Page 49 of Hard to Forgive

We walked down to the break room, and I was relieved to find it empty.

Isabel looked like the empty break room was a treat just for her. She looked around it for a moment before following me to the coffee machine, standing closer than she usually did to me. “So what changed?” she asked quietly.

“Huh?”

“You’re suddenly defending Jonas, and you had this weird look in your eyes when you said he wasn’t that bad.” She looked at me before her jaw dropped open. “Oh my god. You two? Did you? Are you serious?” Her voice was a series of loud whispers, almost a hiss. For a moment, I thought she was mad at me, because I’d hooked up with someone who had treated her like trash, but her eyes told a different story. They were sparkling with delight. “Tell me everything.”

I looked around, making sure that no one was coming in, and pressed the button to start the coffee. “I’ll give you a very short version.” She nodded. “Okay, so the night before I started, I went to this really shitty bar, and I met a guy. Turns out…”

“Wow. So you’re really living your best rom-com life out here while some of us are perpetually single?” she teased.

“Am I allowed to tell the story, or are you just going to make commentary the whole time?” She mimed zipping her lips and motioned for me to continue. “We hooked up. No idea who each other was until the next day when Yvette introduced us. Turns out, we also went to high school together, and I might have been a bit of a dick to him.” Understatement of the year. “So that explains his attitude toward me.”

“Really doesn’t,” she retorted with a shrug. “High school was how long ago? Let it go.” I gave her a pointed look, and she looked contrite. “Sorry, continue.”

“Then, uh, so I’m a really shitty friend.” I didn’t want to tell her this part. “Remember how I said I’d handle the way he treated you?” Isabel nodded. “I kind of hooked up with him that night. And then I also hooked up with him again last week.”

“So you’re boning him? That’s not a big deal.”

“You’re not pissed?”

“That you hooked up with someone who was kind of trash to me? Not really.” She thought for a moment before shaking her head. “Actually, not at all. Kind of disappointed that you hooked up with someone who was treatingyoulike trash, but we can address that another time.” I opened my mouth to defend my decision, but she cut me off with a look. “You can’t deny how he treated you. I’m guessing things are better now?”

“I understand him better now.”

“That is not what I asked.”

I groaned. “We’ll see how things go today.” I wanted things to be better now that everything was out in the open, but Jonas could be a bit of a loose cannon. He was also a broken in ways that I didn’t think I’d ever understand. I remembered the half moon marks on the palms of his hands, the way he used it as an anchor, and reminded myself that I would need to be patient.

Because now that I knew I liked him, not liking him wasn’t an option. Not pursuing the way I felt with him wasn’t an option either. It may take some time, but I wanted to figure out a way to be with him.

“You’ve got that look again,” Isabel observed. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“I like him,” I admitted quietly. “I like him, and I don’t know what to do with that.”

The look she gave me pretty much called me a dumbass to my face. “You’re going to tell him, obviously. I mean not telling him would just be stupid, because if he’s sleeping with you, he obviously likes something about you.”

“Yeah. It’s called my dick.” And maybe the way I talked to him during sex or the way I turned him into a needy pile of goo, but I figured that might be too much information.

“No,” she shook her head. “That might be a part of it, but if he’s hooking up with you regularly, he likes something aboutyou. Maybe he even likes you.”

That was a little optimistic, but I wanted to believe it. I prepared my coffee with two sugars, and then, on a whim, I poured another cup and grabbed three French Vanilla creamers from the caddy. Isabel watched me like a hawk.

“You know how he likes his coffee?” She laughed. “Yeah, you better tell him how you feel, because you are obviously gone for him, and I don’t want to have to deal with you making moon eyes at him and not saying anything.”

I threw one of the coffee creamers at her, grabbed another when it hit the floor, and walked with her back to our work area.

For the next three days, I kept trying to work up my nerve to tell Jonas how I felt. I brought him coffee every morning, hoping it would give me some kind of in to start the conversation. The entire time, Isabel watched me from her spot between Declan and Logan, mouthing things like‘just do it’and‘tell him’every time she caught my eye.

If only it was that easy.

For one thing, Jonas seemed a bit distant compared to the week before. It was like he was trying to rebuild those walls once he’d been vulnerable. I hated it. It felt like a blast of cold air, and I wished I didn’t know what it was. I wished I didn’t have anything to compare it to, because now I was missing the fire of his snarky comebacks or the warmth of the small smiles I’d occasionally earn.

Luckily, I had things to focus on. The client had liked the tweaks we’d made to the initial designs, and we were starting to turn them into a reality. I knew that the other teams were deep into building their parts, and soon, it’d be time to put everything together.

I was running out of time to actually talk to Jonas about it.

I had to bite the bullet.

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