Page 56 of The Moral Dilemma

“Please don’t joke about that,” Noelle murmured worriedly.

“I’m good, Lucero. Aside from the drug and those periods of black-outs, this is much better than the isolation cells. I have a shower, clothes, and food. I have a clean bed—all luxuries before. I guess it’s only when you hit rock bottom that you realize how precious the things you took for granted before were.”

Noelle nibbled at her lip, unable to find a reply.

“I used to hate my existence before because I couldn’t live with myself for what I’d done. I’d buried everything inside of me until I became one with my pain. So much so that I refused to see the life that was in front of me and the privilege I had,” Raf continued.

“Sometimes it takes losing everything to realize what we have,” Noelle added absentmindedly, resting her back against the wall. “But this is not the end, Raf. If anything, it’s just the beginning.”

“I wish that were true…”

“Talk to me,” she said, needing the closure, but also feeling the turmoil inside of him that needed to be let out. “Tell me everything you’ve never told another soul—not even to yourself.”

Taking a step back, Raf collapsed to the floor, leaned against the wall and brought his fingers to his forehead.

“I hated myself,” he started. “Maybe I still do…”

Noelle just listened. She let him pour his heart out while she did her best to be as supportive as she could of him.

He told her about his time in college and his battle with depression. He recounted how he’d found his refuge in video games since he didn’t want to face the reality—of what he’d done and who he’d become.

He hated everything about himself to the point that he wished for invisibility.

His tone shifted, becoming more affectionate as he told her about his online friend—curiouscat. The more he spoke, the more Noelle realized just how alike they’d been. Both lonely and alone, both seeking refuge in each other.

She’d run away from her home life, hiding from everyone’s scorn. He’d done the same.

She’d found peace in their daily conversations. He’d done the same.

“Curiouscat sounds like an awesome person,” she mentioned after a while, a smile on her face as she remembered their banter and the easy flow of their conversations—the same flow that they had now.

There was something utterly peaceful about having someone she could confide in. Maybe she couldn’t tell him the extent of who she was or what she’d done, but she could tell him what was in her heart—something she’d never told anyone else before. And just like her, he found it easy to share his deepest secrets with her—those thoughts that one could barely admit to ones’ self, let alone to another person.

Thatwas what brought them close.Thatwas the foundation of their relationship. The fact that they could bare their hearts to one another and not be ashamed of the darkness that lay within, the shame, the unfulfilled desires…

“She was,” he chuckled. “I thought things were fine between us, but she simply stopped talking to me after we were supposed to meet for the first time. Sometimes I wonder…”

“What?” Noelle frowned.

“I wonder if she didn’t actually come there only to leave when she realized what I looked like. Instead of rejecting me, she just stopped talking to me.”

“Are you serious?” Noelle squeaked. “How could she not like you?”

“I…” he paused, his lips pursed. “I wasn’t doing well, Lucero. My appearance was worse than it is now if you can believe it,” he laughed.

“I don’t believe that, Raf. You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen,” she declared staunchly.

“You’ve only seen me beaten and bruised,” he said and smiled. “How can you say that?” He shook his head.

“Because it’s true. For me, you’re the handsomest man alive.”

“Thank you,” he said quietly. “I’m happy you think that,” he added with a hint of a smile.

“She might have had other reasons,” she blurted out, unable to help herself. “Curiouscat. What if she didn’t want to stand you up but she just couldn’t make it?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if… What if something happened to her?”

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