Page 47 of Nanny for the Damaged Ex-SEAL

"In San Marino?"

"Mhm," Aria says.

She opens the door and they get out of the car. I pick up the bouquet of yellow roses from the passenger seat. They're Cassy's favorite. I open my door to join them. I put my arm around Aria's shoulders, and she holds on to Ethan's hand. I don't think I'd have been able to do this with anyone else. Aria understands that I need to do this. She understands that I need to stop carrying the weight around. She knows what it’s like to lose someone so close to you. She isn't jealous of the fact that I still carry Cassy in my heart. She knows that her position in my life isn't threatened. She understands the pain I've been through and how hard it's been for me. She's supportive and I’m thankful for her. I'm thankful she isn't adding to my feelings of guilt. That she isn't making me feel like I'm betraying her, too. We had a long talk about this trip. I made it clear she didn't have to come if she felt it would be too much for her. But here she is, by my side.

We walk past rows of decorated slabs. Long lines of names that only exist here now in memories. Some are marble, some granite, some concrete, most of them are white. A few of them are grey. Then we come to a black granite slab that is raised high off the ground. I read the name on it. Cassandra Hoover. I take a deep breath and steel my foot against the ground. Aria stays behind with Ethan as I move closer. I look down on her grave with the bouquet of flowers in my hands. I lower it and place it in the middle. Then I rest my hand on the vertical part of the gravestone. My heart is beating fast, and the tears break through all my barriers and flood my eyes. I can't hold them back anymore.

I want to tell her so many things. I want to apologize for leaving the city where we promised to build our lives.But how do I keep on living in the city when you're not here anymore? I want to say. I want to apologize for leaving her behind. For not coming to see her for months. I want to apologize for trying to move on. But I know I don't need to apologize because Cassy would want me to move on. She would want me to keep going and find love again.

My mind drifts to the last conversation we had.

"I know you don't want to hear this. But listen to me, Connor. If I don't make it."

I'd gotten off the chair beside her hospital bed and gone to the window. I didn't want to hear it. She was right, I didn't want to hear any of it.

But that didn't deter her. She continued, "Connor, please, listen. If something happens to me. If I don't make it. I want you to keep living. For you and for Ethan."

I put my palms on the windowsill and balled them up. I couldn’t think about it. A life without her was not a life. What was going to happen to the plans we had? How would I live without her?

"Come. Come," she said, raising one frail hand my way.

I left the window and walked closer to her.

"Nothing is going to happen to you, Cassy. You'll beat this. I can feel it."

She sighed. "We have to face reality. I've been given a twenty percent chance of survival. But does it look like I'm getting better? Does it?"

She was right. But I was hoping for a better outcome. I looked at her bald head. Her beautiful coffee-brown hair was gone. Her skin was pale and whitish. Her lips were parched, and her shoulders were sunken, her collarbones hollow. She wasn't the Cassy I used to know. She was dying, and I was holding onto the last thread of hope.

"We all hope for a miracle, but I need you to know that I want you to move on if I go. I want you to settle down. I want you to love again. It won't hurt me, because I want you to be happy. Please."

I turned my face away as the tears welled up behind my eyes.

"Come."

I moved closer and sat on the chair. She stretched her hand to me and I took it. It was light, like a child's. She smiled.

That was the last time I saw her smile, because that night, she left me.

I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder. Aria’s hand brings me back to the present.

"I hope you're in a better place. I hope there’s no pain there for you," I say as the tears run down my cheeks freely now. I pull Aria closer. "This is Aria. She helps me with Ethan. She makes me happy like you wanted. She understands me. She makes life worth living again."

I feel a drop of liquid on my forehead. I raise my head up to the sky. Another drop lands on my nose. The sky is opening up and getting dark and more drops are coming. Aria takes Ethan’s hand and I put my arms around her shoulders as we hurry over to the car. By the time we get there, it's raining heavily. We rush in with our clothes already wet. Aria brings out a tissue from her handbag to wipe Ethan's face and neck.

I ignite the engine and start up the windshield wipers. I take one final look at the cemetery and say a silent thank you. A rainy day was one of Cassy's most favorite things in life. I know she approves. And I know she's still with me, encouraging me onward.

I drive away feeling lighter. Like a weight has been lifted from my chest.

Chapter 17

Aria

Connor’sarmsarewrappedaround me. He's snoring lightly. Ever since we came back from San Marino, I can sense a shift. It's a positive shift. He doesn't beat himself up anymore. He doesn't hold back like he did sometimes in the past. He's freer now that he feels he's got Cassy's blessing.

Tonight, we're going on a date. A real date, in public and everything, like a real couple.

He stirs and places his head on my chest. After a few seconds, his hand travels up to my breast.

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