Page 46 of Nanny for the Damaged Ex-SEAL

He doesn't laugh like I thought he would.

"That song has a sentimental meaning to me. It's Cassy's favorite song. She listened to it all the time. That was what set me off. I’ve been avoiding that song since the day I lost her."

"If I'd known that, I wouldn't have played it."

"That song rips a hole in my heart. A big hole. But you didn’t know. It wasn’t your fault."

Chapter 16

Connor

TodayisthedayI get to see Cassy again. The last time I was in San Marino, I couldn't bring myself to go see her. The wound was still so fresh. But today, I’m taking the leap. I'd thought moving to Long Beach would make it easier to cope. I'd thought putting the thirty-five-minute stretch of road between me and where she lies would help me heal. But no matter how far you run, you can never elude your memories. They follow you everywhere.

I'm bringing Aria and Ethan. I've had time to think about it. I've contemplated going alone. But I think this is best. I love Aria, and I think it's important for Cassy to approve of her. I still feel a pang of guilt here and there. Sometimes when I'm holding Aria in my arms, I think of Cassy. I wonder what it'd be like if she was still here. I wonder if she's looking down on me and shaking her head. It kills me inside.

I delve into my closet for something to wear. I want to honor her memory, so I search for the red shirt she bought for me on the first birthday of mine we spent together. It’s a button-up with white stripes on it. The last time I tried it on, my arms could barely fit through the armholes. But today, I’ll try again. I find it in the farthest back corner of my closet. I pull it out and hold it up. It still looks the same size, and I've bulked up since the last time I tried it on. I take off my white t-shirt and stick my hand in the right armhole. It gets stuck at my elbow. I gently pull while I pray that it won't rip. Slowly, I inch it all the way in until the sleeve is sitting on my upper arm. I do the same to the other armhole. When I've successfully put it on, I'm hardly breathing. It's tight. But I don't take it off. Instead, I pull out a brown jacket and put it on over the shirt, careful not to bend or flex my arms too hard.

I run a comb through my hair and rub a hand over my face. I'm reminded it's been three days since I last shaved as my hands scrub through the stubble. I’ll need to shave again soon. When I'm done, I exit the room and head for Aria's room, but I can hear them laughing downstairs. They're ready to go.

As I reach the bottom of the stairs, Aria crumples up her face. "Isn't that shirt too tight? Are you comfortable?"

"No, but it'll stretch out. It was given to me by…"

"Cassy?" she completes my sentence.

I nod.

She nods too. "I understand."

She takes Ethan's hand and we head out to the car. Soon, we're driving away from Long Beach. Aria is with Ethan in the backseat while I’m in the driver's seat. I'd have preferred for her to sit with me in the front, but Ethan demanded she sit with him. She is his nanny, after all.

"Are you excited to be going to San Marino? We’ve been gone a while now," I ask Ethan, who's staring out of the window. His hand is on Aria’s shoulder.

"Yes," he says eagerly.

I don't think Ethan understands. He's a really smart kid, but he doesn’t understand yet. Cassy died when he was three years old. He was too young. He asked about her the first few months, but eventually, he stopped asking. I'm happy he's been able to adjust. Carrying that pain in your heart is no way to live. I'm glad he's oblivious to the situation.

Not long into the drive, Ethan is asleep, and it's awfully quiet. I turn on the radio and the sweet melody of a song, Cassy's favorite song, pours into the quiet air. It's so unexpected, my fingers rest on the knob for a few seconds, frozen.

"It's fine, you can turn it off or change the channel," Aria urges.

Instead of changing the channel, I take my fingers off the knob and let the music play. "It's okay. I need to hear it."

I do need to. I can't keep running away from my feelings. I suspect that's why I've not been able to move past it. I need to let it hurt. I need to sit in it, stew in it. I need to let my heart feel it to the max. That's how I'll heal. If I keep stuffing it away, keeping it under lock and key in a closet, then it's always going to be there. It will grow to a point where I won’t be able to shut the closet. I need to let it grow wings and take flight. I need to set it free. I need to heal. I know that it's time.

The music strikes chords in my heart; it resurrects feelings that I've had buried inside of me for over a year. Feelings I’ve been running away from. Feelings that have threatened to swallow me up for far too long. But I'm determined not to cry. I press my lips firmly together and hold on tight to the steering wheel. I allow the music to play on, letting it sink into me. I take in every single lyric. I don't tune out.

You can get through this,Conner,I encourage myself.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's Aria's, squeezing. I look at her through the rearview mirror and she smiles and nods at me. I flip one hand backward and put my hand on hers.

It's noon when we arrive. I bring the car to a stop at the private cemetery. I don't get out of the car immediately. I sit, staring at the black wrought iron gate. I chose this place to lay her to rest because I know she'll be safe here. She'll get the peace she deserves. The gate is high and spirals all the way up. The last time I was here, I was a mess. I broke down because I couldn't believe that the woman I loved so much was buried in the ground, where I won’t be able to reach her ever again.

"Wakey wakey," Aria says with her hand on Ethan’s shoulder as she gently rouses him.

He pries his eyes open. "Are we here?"

"Yes, we are," I say.

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