Page 28 of No Regrets

“He’s the team leader.”

“I think he’s also more than that, am I right?”

Kelly hugged her mug in her hands, staring out at the ocean.

“Yes. He’s always been in my life. We were best friends growing up and then we became more about six years ago.”

“So, you’re in a relationship?”

Kelly kept her gaze on the ocean. “I guess we were. It’s difficult with our careers. Training, deployments, missions. We met up whenever we could, but it’s not like we dated. It was just...hell, I’m not sure what it was.”

“Do you love him?”

Kelly closed her eyes to stop the tears that threatened. Again. She did love him. It would be so much easier if she didn’t, but she couldn’t just flip a switch. She had not dated or seen anyone else in six years. Didn’t want anyone else. She was in love with him, couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But they never talked about love, about what they had. She wanted more. But he loved what he did. His team meant everything to him. It didn’t really leave much time for her, so she settled for second best and what they had rather than risk asking for more. Perhaps that was a good thing now. She could no longer offer him anything.

“Yes, I love him. We have a long history.”

“When’s the last time you spoke to him?”

“The day I came home. I refused to see him at Westside. I needed time. I wasn’t prepared to see him that day at the house either. I got upset.” She turned to look at Claire. “I hurt him; I know I did.”

“You asked him to leave?”

“Yes. Sophie was here. She spoke with him.” Kelly dabbed her eyes with a soggy tissue. “It’s for his own good. I don’t want his pity. I don’t want him to stay with me because he feels some kind of obligation. I am not the same. Never will be. He needs a real woman. That’s not me.” She sighed, sipping her tea.

“That’s a lot of assumptions. If you haven’t spoken to him, how do you know what he’s feeling? You do have a long history. You were in a relationship, not necessarily the most conventional, but all those years of friendship. Six years of being intimate. That’s a relationship. Do you really want to cut him out of your life completely?”

Kelly didn’t answer. Instead she watched the waves breaking softly on the sand, letting it lull her into a trance. Cutting him out was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? Let him get on with his life without her?

“Just think about it, Kelly. He’s a big part of your life. He came to rescue you, risked his life...”

“That’s his job.” Kelly cut in. It was the truth. He would have been ordered to rescue her. He couldn’t exactly say no. It’s exactly the sort of op SEALs did.

“He also continually tried to see you at the hospital. Sounds like he still wants you in his life. You were best friends. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your best friend supporting you right now?”

Kelly shook her head. “When we slept together, we crossed the line from best friends. There’s no going back.”

“What about no letting that fucker Lazir win? Ruining your lifelong friendship, isn’t that letting him win?”

Kelly didn’t shift her gaze from the waves to Claire. “Yes. I guess Lazir does win after all.” She stood up, the earlier spark of hope erased. “Can we leave it at that today? I’m tired.”

“Of course. But, Kelly, think about what I said. You will need support. More than just me. And I imagine Dex and his team are just like other teams I’ve worked with. If you are a part of Dex’s life, then they think of you as one of their team family. Am I right?”

Kelly nodded. She did miss them. Ryan, who she thought of as a brother, and the rest of the boys with their easy banter. They’d always treated her as family.

“Don’t give up on that. Don’t underestimate them. You may not be ready yet, but when you are, I have every confidence the whole team would be there for you. And as for Dex. You are in control of that. Not him. This is about you. You're worried about seeing him because you’re thinking you can’t have what you had. Maybe you can, maybe you can’t. All you need to worry about is today, then tomorrow. And if you decide you want to talk to him, you set the ground rules, the boundaries. If he cares about you as much as he appears to, he’ll respect them.”

Claire stood.

“I’ll let myself out. If you need to talk before our next session, just call me, OK?”

Kelly nodded again, then watched her leave before sinking back down into the chair with a heavy heart. Her gaze instinctively strayed toward Dex’s house. She could just see the back deck from this angle, but he wasn’t out there. She’d been home just over a week now and he hadn’t tried to see her again. Part of her was relieved and, yet, part of her was disappointed. Her conflicting emotions confused the hell out of her. She’d seen him a few times from afar, when she was walking on the beach, or checking her mailbox. He’d been at home almost every day, surprising her. After some R&R time, he should have been back training on base by now. She’d also not noticed any of the team dropping by. That was very weird. Those guys were always dropping by, especially Ryan. The two of them were inseparable.

Her phone rang, making her jump.

Picking it up, she smiled. “Hi, Sophie.”

“Kelly, how are you?”

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