Page 27 of No Regrets

“I can understand that. I’m not going to sit here and say I know how hard it is because I can’t know. I’ve not been through what you have. What I can tell you is that I have sat opposite other women who have been through similar experiences, and they have gone on to lead happy, fulfilled lives. It can be done. But you have to want it.”

“I want to go back to who I was before. I was so happy, Claire. I had a career I loved, a man I loved. How can I get that back? I am never going to be the same woman. And who would want me? I’m a rape victim. I can’t imagine being with a man again, or a man ever wanting me.” At some point during her rant, she’d stood up, waving her hands. She stopped now, her shoulders sagging. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s good you’re being honest.”

“Can you see why I wished I was dead?” She slumped back down on the couch, head in hands.

“Kelly, do you think about hurting yourself?”

Kelly snapped her head up. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about it, but she also knew she wouldn’t do it.

“No. Dying in Daram is what I meant. Taking my own life? It crossed my mind briefly but, no, despite how much this sucks, I would never do that. Although if someone had offered me a way out in Daram, I might have taken it.”

“I’m glad to hear that. I was beginning to think I might need to move in here to keep an eye on you.” Claire winked and Kelly smiled weakly.

“No, I promise. I’m not going to do anything.”

“Why not?”

Kelly’s eyes widened, startled by the question. “What do you mean?”

“I know it’s a weird question, but you said it crossed your mind. What dismissed the brief thought?”

Kelly paused. She’d never really thought about it that way. It was wrong to take your own life, but was that why she didn’t consider it? Partly, but it was more about not letting Lazir win.

“If I take my own life, Lazir wins. That fucker isn’t going to win.” The thought of that evil bastard believing he destroyed her made her angry.

Claire smiled and Kelly looked at her even more quizzically.

“And that’s the Kelly that I’ve heard so much about. The fighter. Do you recognize her?”

Kelly went to speak but stopped. Hell, she didn’t want Lazir to win. She wanted the bastard to die or be imprisoned in a black hole somewhere for the rest of his life.

“Kelly, if you had died in Daram, he would have won. You didn’t. You were rescued, you survived. He didn’t win. He didn’t beat you. Every time you feel like you can’t get through this, remember what you just said to me. That fucker isn’t going to win.”

Kelly managed a tentative smile. The smallest seed of hope settled in her heart. She’d felt nothing but fear, worry, disgust and despair since arriving at Westside. To feel anger felt good. Maybe there was a way back from this. But back to what?

“OK, so we’ve figured out I don’t want that fucker to win. So, what now?”

“I think it’s time we talked about Dex.”

Kelly stood up abruptly, picking up both mugs. “I’ll make another drink.”

She needed a distraction to gather her thoughts. Talk about Dex? What would she say. She wasn’t sure what she felt about him.

You love him. You’ve always loved him.

Yeah, she did. But they didn’t exactly have a conventional relationship and now it was too late. He deserved better than her. A woman that could love emotionally and physically because she wasn’t capable of either and despite what Claire said, wasn’t sure she ever would be.

She finished making the drinks and took them back to the lounge.

“Fancy sitting outside for a bit? I could use a little fresh air,” Claire suggested.

“Sure.”

They settled in the two Muskoka chairs on the deck, with a clear view of the small sandy beach and beautiful ocean. There was a light breeze, gentle waves lapping at the shore. It reminded her of Cuba.

“Dex, the man trying to see you at the hospital, was with the team that rescued you.”

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