Edric: Never, you know I always want more.
Me: I miss you a lot and just wanted you to know.
Edric: Thank you. I’m happy you did.
Me: I have to work, but I will see you tonight.
Edric: Yes, you will. I love you, baby.
It was the three simple words that held so much meaning behind them. I wanted to use my voice and say, “I love you,” or type the words in the text. My heart was ready, but it was my mind and the painful memories of the past I struggled with. Edric has been patient, and I know he’s waiting because he deserves the truth. However, I froze when it was time to tellhim. He’s only heard me tell him once before, but now he needs more of me. How hard would it have been to write: I love you, Edric. I love you so much that it scares me, but you jump, and I’ll jump because I’d go over a cliff for you. I would do anything for you because I love you. When I glanced at the screen, I saw moving beeps from his end of the text, and then they stopped. Oh, Edric, I told you I was a workout. I sighed at my cowardice.
Me: Sorry, one of my nurses needed my assistance.He doesn’t need to know I’m a big, scared commitment chicken. “I love you, Edric,”I whispered and typed something I could handle.Have a great day, and think of me.I giggled, wondering what he would say.
Edric: Always. I’ve imprinted you in my soul.
And you’re on mine.After the happy banter of text messages exchanged with Edric, I felt much lighter and quickly dived back into my day. The clinic didn’t see any gunshot victims today, and I was thankful for the change. It’s never easy operating on anyone, let alone a teenager, caught up in the crossfire of unnecessary violence. It’s like I see my parents in every patient I treat, and there is not a day that goes by that I wish I could turn back time and save them.
“Okay, here you go,” I said, handing off my last chart to one of my OR nurses.
“Are you heading out?”
“I am in a few; I must find Kyle first.”
“I believe he is in his office,” said Nai.
“Thank you. I’ll check back before I leave for the evening.” I was walking to Kyle’s office but realized I had forgotten to mention something to Nai and began to walk back when I heard a whispered voice coming from around the bend. I wasn’t one to eavesdrop, but the conversation sounded heated. When I reached the end of the hallway and looked around, I saw Paolo pacing the hall while talking on his cellphone. I swear I heard myname mentioned, but I couldn’t be sure. I didn’t want him to see me, so I hurried back to my office, closing the door as quietly as I could manage.
What was all that about?I thought as my heart raced. What the hell is going on with Paolo? In all the time I have known him, he has never behaved this way until today. Sure, Paulo can sometimes come off as too friendly, especially when he calls me by the nickname he often uses, but I always believed he was harmless, and I never returned his affections. I have always maintained professionalism around him and every member of my staff. We are small but tight-knit, so doing something out of the norm raises suspicions. This entire interaction with Paolo has me rattled, and that never happens, not here at my clinic, where I have always felt the safest doing my work. I wanted Edric; he would know what to do. I dialed his number but was startled by the knock at my door. I braced myself, thinking it was Paolo, but it was Kyle. I had never been so happy to see him.
“Hey, Nai said you were looking for me?”
“Yes, I was, but then you know me, I got distracted.” I looked at my watch and said, “It’s late, and I’m ready to leave. Let’s table this for tomorrow?”
“Sure, no problem,” he said, walking over to me and lifting my chin with his two fingers. “Hey, I know you’re tired, but is that all it is?” he asked, knowing all too well. What is it with the men in my life?
“I’m fine, Kyle; I just need not to be here and be somewhere else.”I closed my eyes, fighting off the tears because I could not show them to my best friend.“Thank you, Kyle,” I whispered and leaned in to hug him.
“For what? Being your friend? You never have to say thank you to someone who loves you.”
My entire body began to shake as Kyle continued to hold me. All my thoughts went back to Edric when he begged me to keeptalking and to stay with him. It should have been the easiest thing for me to do, especially since he confessed his feelings so openly to me, but I chose to hide instead. As if the locked bathroom door could serve as a shield between Edric and me? I was foolish, and after just one day being without him and talking with Kyle, I only wanted to let my guard down and give everything to Edric.
The only thought that never leaves me is the fear of losing him. Loss changes you, and not always in a good way. If the two people I love most can be taken away from me so easily, why should I believe it can’t happen with Edric? And it’s the very thought I believed in until Kyle said the exact words to me that Edric did.
“Hey, where did you go?” he asked, and then I wiped away my tears and smiled.
“I’m good, perfect, by the way. I guess when lightning strikes, it jolts you into clearer thinking. I don’t know. Something along the lines of that.”
“As you said, we will table this for tomorrow.”
“Thank you. Walk me out?”
“Of course, lead the way,” he opened the door for me.
“You make sure to tell GI Joe I said hello,” he said, handing me the messenger bag he was carrying for me.
“Oh, I will; let’s hope he likes the nickname as much as you do.” I searched my bag, listening to Kyle rattle on as I tried to find my keys. I know I put them in here, and when I couldn’t find them, I handed the bag back to Kyle so I could take everything out of it.
“What are you looking for?”