Page 80 of Unloved

Nodding, Rhys smirks and grabs his cock.

I bring my hand to rest just under my chin and flick my fingers out, signing the wordfilthy.

Lennox licks his lips and winks at me. “Just how you like me.”

30

RHYS

EIGHT WEEKS LATER

“Hi,” I choke out. “My name is Rhys Denser and I’ve been sober for fifty-six days.”

I hadn’t known that Arlo and Frankie would be here when I decided I wanted to speak at this meeting, or when I asked Lennox and Samuel to join me.

I told them they didn’t have to come, but whenever I said the words “I want,” Lennox and Samuel made it their life mission to make sure “I got”

But I’m finally in a good enough place to get myself back into the program and reconnect with Jenika. It brings about as much shame to me as it does hope, and I’m getting used to every good feeling I have, having a dark side that I feel even harder.

But I’m learning to lean into the positive. To look for it in the little things and celebrate those little things. I’m learning to be grateful for the supportive people I have in my life, for the people who are there every step of the way, catching me when I fall, supporting me when I try to get back up.

My life is important. I need to remember that, and I need others to remind me of it. Prioritizing myself isn’t weak, and setting boundaries isn’t an imposition.

No is no, and enough is enough.

So much has happened in such a short space of time, but it finally feels like the world has slowed down a smidgen and is allowing me to join in on the ride.

I glance around the room, noticing Lennox and Samuel at the back. They have organized an ASL interpreter and I’m grateful that some, if not all, of what I say will be understood by Lennox.

“Hi,” I repeat. “My name is Rhys Denser and I’ve been sober for fifty-six days. I couldn’t tell you at what age I started taking drugs. I know there was a teen at the end of a number, and whatever number it was, it was way too early. Like most teens, I partied and I partied hard. I also had parents who had busy lives and a lot of money. All in all, I got what I wanted, when I wanted it.”

Feeling my body shake with anxiety and nervousness, I focus on the two men at the back of the room who refuse to let their gazes drop from mine.

My rock.

My anchor.

“Once I was partying regularly, the drugs flowed and I was particularly partial to the way they made me feel. If my parents were bothered that I was never home and always high, they didn’t say a word. But if my parents were at home and I was bothering them, that was another story.

“As I got bolder and more out of control, their grip started to tighten, and my father and I continued in this game of cat and mouse, him making rules and me breaking them. I then also started to learn that I liked being the lazy, incompetent son that he so often described, because nobody expected anything of him, and soon enough I was drowning in a drug addiction, because I had too much time on my hands and a point to prove to my father.

“This was my life and I was going to live it anyway I wanted to.”

I clear my throat as I reflect on the time in my life when it all took a turn. The day I changed my life and my sister’s, and everything else that followed.

“My name is Rhys Denser, and I have been sober for fifty-six days.” I repeat it again to remind myself that it is the good part of the story. As I rehash all the bad and the ugly, I continue to remind myself that I am Rhys Denser and I have been sober for fifty-six days, and good things do happen.

“I have friends, I have a job.” I smile at Rhys and Lennox before the words leave my mouth. “I am embarrassingly in love, and I am determined to, one day soon, see my sister. I am Rhys Denser, and I have been sober for fifty-six days.

“Sometimes we don’t know where our story starts, or what the triggering moment was to kick off our addictions. Sometimes it’s nothing, and sometimes it’s everything. Sometimes we’re a mess of broken hearts and bones, and sometimes we’re raised to be solid soldiers and we so desperately want to feel.”

I feel my body straighten as a sense of peace settles over me.

“I am also Rhys Denser who has been useless, forgetful, and hopeless. I have been unloveable and disappointing. I have relapsed multiple times and have been all the names my father used to dismiss and demean me. The truth is, I can be both people, the one I’m learning to love and the one I hate, and still want more. Still. Deserve. More.

“My name is Rhys Denser and I’ve been sober for fifty-six days.”

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