Page 109 of Until You (Forgive Me)

“What’s wrong with Mummy?” Skylar said, standing by Star’s legs, looking up in horror at her mother’s face.

It was at that moment Damian appeared down the stairs, clutching what appeared to be a newly changed Theo.

“Hi, Christian,” Damian said before noticing his wife’s tear-stained face. “Oh.”

“What’s wrong with Mummy, Daddy Damien?” Skylar asked him.

“Mummy was reading your Mummy Lily’s journals, and it made her sad,” Damian said, dropping down to look Skylar in the eye. “Having baby Theo has reminded Mummy of when you were born, which was a very happy and a very sad time.”

“Don’t be sad, Mummy. Mummy Lily is always looking down on us,” she said, squeezing Star’s legs.

“I’m fine, Munchkin. I just miss her sometimes.” Star knelt down next to her daughter and pulled her in for a tight hug. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Mummy. And you, Daddies. Can I go and video call Olivia?” Skylar asked.

“Of course. I want to talk to Daddy, anyway.”

They all watched as Skylar took the stairs two at a time.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Christian asked.

He’d only ever seen Star lose it once before, and that was when she and Damian had broken up.

“I need to talk to you,” Star said, wiping her cheeks with the back of her sleeve and taking Theo from Damian.

“I’ll make some coffee,” Damian said, leaving them standing in the hall.

Star turned and walked into the sitting room, placing a gurgling Theo in his bouncer before taking a seat on the sofa.

Christian moved to the sofa opposite, his eyes catching on something he thought he would never see again. Lily’s journals.

Star’s eyes followed his gaze. “After Lily died, the hospital bagged up her belongings for me. I was in no fit state, plus I was spending every waking moment with Skylar. They gave me her clothes and an envelope with her journal in it. The envelope was sealed, and I left it that way.” Christian watched as Star took a shuddering breath. He remembered the time well. Lily had often been writing in her journal when he turned up.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Star said, looking up at him, her eyes filling with more tears.

It was then Christian realised Lily must have written about his visits in her journal. He dropped his gaze and looked at the floor.

“Christian, I’ve said some horrendous things to you and none of them were true.”

Damian came into the room and placed the drinks down. He squeezed Christian’s shoulder, making him look up.

“You didn’t abandon her,” he whispered.

“Oh, I did.”

Christian would not let them think he was a saint. He had abandoned her. Let his father call her a whore. Yes, he’d visited Lily every night in the hospital, but it would never be enough. He hadn’t been able to save her.

“No, you were there for my sister when she needed you. She knew you loved her. That you loved your daughter. I know what she asked of you, Christian... Lily wrote me a letter. She explained everything.”

Christian’s breath caught at Star’s words, his heart hammering in his chest. He got up and walked to the large bi-fold door that overlooked their garden, staring out into the sunshine.

“It wasn’t enough,” he said, the emotion of the past month and his loss nearly nine years ago too great. His vision blurred.

Star came up behind him, her arms wrapping around his waist, her head resting on his back.

“Nothing could have saved her... but you being there… you made my sister’s final nights happy. She died knowing that Skylar was loved and that, although you couldn’t be there, you would be one day. Thank you for being brave enough to come back into our lives.”

They stood like that until Christian raised his head, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

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