Page 110 of Until You (Forgive Me)

“She left you a letter,” Star said, letting him go and moving back to the table, picking up an envelope and holding it out to him.

Christian inhaled deeply, his eyes catching on the swirling handwriting he never thought he’d see again.

“I would suggest you take it home,” Star said, giving him a knowing look.

He knew he must look a sight, his eyes red and blotchy.

Christian took the letter and placed it in his inside pocket. Letting out a deep breath, he opened his mouth and closed it again.

“It’s going to be okay. We’re family. We will always be family,” Star said, resting a hand on his arm. “I believe Lily helped us find our way back to each other even without her journal and letters. When Skylar is older, she’ll have all her mother’s journals to read so she can get to know her like we do.”

Christian didn’t trust his voice, so dropped his chin to his chest in acknowledgement. He liked the idea of Skylar getting to know Lily through her journals. Understanding the inner workings of such a special person. And Lily had been. Like Isabella, she lit up a room when she entered, drawing everyone to her. Someone had blessed him to have two such amazing women touch his life, even if for only a brief moment in time.

Star hugged him when he told her he needed to leave, and let Damian walk him to his car.

“It’s time for you to forgive yourself,” Damian said, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Despite everything Star thought you had done, she has always loved you like a big brother. I think Lily must have somehow left her a message when she realised she hadn’t got her written ones.”

Christian wasn’t sure he believed in spirits or ghosts. But in that moment, maybe her sheer force of spirit made it happen. When Lily wanted something, she’d made sure she got it. She wouldn’t have let their daughter grow up without him knowing her. He thought back to the day at her graveside. Had she been listening? Paving the way?

He hoped so.

Christian stared at Damian, who smiled. “Stranger things,” he said.

“Stranger things,” he replied before getting in the car and heading back to his empty apartment.

Chapter Forty-seven

Christian

Christian used the heel of his palm to rub at the tightness in his chest as he stared at the envelope in his hand.

It was in perfect condition as if written yesterday, not nearly nine years ago. He raised it to his nose, but time had removed any scent it may have held. Did he want to read it? Reopen old wounds that had barely healed because if he was honest with himself, he had never gotten over her loss or what had gone before. Skylar helped. She had so many of Lily’s mannerisms. It was like watching a mini version of the woman he had loved and lost. It was painful, but it also meant she had not completely gone. There was a part of her that lived on.

Christian picked up the decanter of whiskey he had placed on his desk, pouring himself a large measure of liquid courage, choking it down, savouring the burn.

“Oh, Lily,” he said to the empty room, his voice thick with emotion.

He could do this. He owed it to Lily. His letter opener sat in the top drawer of his desk. He clasped it in his hand, sliding it through the envelope before he could change his mind. A single sheet of paper sat inside. He dropped his head back against his desk chair and closed his eyes. Was she going to blame him? He couldn’t and wouldn’t criticise her if she did. He’d spent years blaming himself, not for her cancer, but for everything else. His stomach and chest churned as he opened his eyes and stared at Lily’s beautiful handwriting.

To my darling Christian,

As I write this, you have only just left, having spent another night keeping my nightmares at bay and easing my pain. Thank you.

But the sun is coming up, and our magical time is over for another day. Words cannot convey what your presence has meant over the past two months. Our sneaking around has added a little spice, excitement, and mischief to my life as it slowly ebbs away. Your clandestine visits in the dead of night have sent all the nurses on duty into a swoon. I think you have more than one or two fans on the staff. I’m a very lucky lady to have even been able to call you mine and to share in a part of your life. This time together, being able to hold you again, and now to watch you with our daughter, my dreams have become a reality.

I am writing this because I wanted to say I’m sorry. I saw your face as you left this morning, the pain you are feeling. I wish I could take it away. I’m sorry I have asked you to walk away from our little angel, to sign away your parental rights to Skylar. I need to leave this life knowing she will have a mother’s love, and even as young as my sister is, I know that is something Star will always give her. Thank you for understanding, and for choosing what is best for our daughter. For putting our baby girl first.

I have never blamed you for the choices you’ve been forced to make, even though I know you blame yourself. You are facing an impossible situation, my love.

Thank you for the fun times and the laughter. Life isn’t always sunshine and roses, and what doesn’t break us makes us stronger, and all those other platitudes. Just remember, I love you.

You asked tonight how I’m feeling. I admit, I lied. I’m angry, so very angry. Angry I will never see our beautiful little girl grow up. I’m angry I will never get the chance to grow old with you, to experience all the things we talked about. My picket fence dream with a garden full of dahlias. Life is not fair, but my future is now set. Nothing can change that, however much we wish for it. For you, your father has asked so much, but I know you. There will be a time when you regain the power to live your dreams. Those dreams will not die with me. Remember them, Christian - make them happen. Embrace your life and live it for the both of us.

It breaks my heart to write this. I want you to find that special person, the one who makes your heart beat that little bit faster, who makes you laugh and smile in those serious moments. When she appears, let yourself be loved and love in return. I promise she is out there, somewhere, waiting. I give you my blessing. Don’t make me come back and haunt you. I know I’m going to leave you soon, so this is my last goodbye. I love you Christian Dupree.

Always in my heart

Lily xxx

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