Page 19 of A Little Luck

A brand-new layer of guilt joins the gang already in my chest. Ryan’s dark hair and eyes are just like his father’s, but everything else about him is all me, from his curious mind to his innocent thoughtfulness. He deserves every good thing he wants. I’m just as poor as a church mouse without even a church.

“You’re a great kid, you know that?” He smiles, and I lean down to kiss his forehead. “Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”

When he was a toddler, I anxiously watched him for any signs of unreasonable anger or uncontrolled impatience. What I learned is he’s patient and good, and when Adam came back, our lives almost seemed perfect.

Ryan hasn’t said anything about Adam’s departure, but they were so close, he has to be thinking about it.

His brow furrows, and I brace myself for what he might say. “We were talking about fossils in science class today, and Ms. Taylor said chickens are the closest living relatives to the T-Rex! Can you believe that?”

Not what I expected. “I guess we’d better keep our eyes on Holly Magee’s chickens.”

“She said they eat mice and rats.” His brown eyes are wide. “I thought they only ate corn and gravel.”

“Me too.” I put his book on the nightstand. “And here I thought alligators and crocodiles were the closest we had to dinosaurs.”

“Yeah.” He looks down, and I don’t want to rush him.

“Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

His lips pucker, and he frowns like he’s thinking. I trace my finger across his forehead, moving his hair behind his ear. I’ve tucked him in tight as a burrito, and even though he’s eight, I can still see him as my little baby swaddled in the clear plastic crib.

I can also still see Adam smiling down at him, and my heart aches. I remember his words,You look just like her…

He finally shrugs, shaking his head. “I can’t think of anything else.”

“Okay.” I lean down to give him one more squeeze. “Get some sleep—and know you can always talk to me if you need to, about anything.”

“I know.” He nods before turning onto his side. “Night, Mom.”

I pull his door almost closed and switch off the light in the half bath across the hall. Hesitating, I hear a faint hissing noise. Stepping into the tiny room, I lean closer to the sink, then to the toilet, trying to detect the source.Shit, I can’t tell, and the last thing I need is to have to call a plumber. More bills…

Walking slowly down the stairs, I try to think. Cass is pretty good at mechanical stuff, but I’d hate to bug her with her wedding coming up. If things were different, I’d call Adam to help me. Now that he’s gone, I’m starting to realize he helped me with everything—not just my son.

Scrubbing my fingers over my forehead, I go into my bedroom. My conversation with Drew is on my mind, and I pull my T-shirt over my head.You’ve never given them the chance to be your friends completely…

I go into the bathroom and remove my bra, cupping my hand over my breast and turning to the side. Silver scars line my upper rib cage, leading to larger, darker pink ones. Closing my eyes, I remember him pressing me to the wall, a small knife in his hand.

You love them looking at you, don’t you?Anger and alcohol were hot on his breath, and my eyes squeezed shut.You think about them touching you. Is it because you want something new?

I was so confused. At that time, I didn’t want anyone but Rex.

Yes, I felt pretty in my new bikini. I felt sexy, and I guess I did like being noticed. It was a new experience for me, but I didn’t want to be with anyone else.

It was the first cut. The first time he said he’d make it so I couldn’t show them my body. The first time I believed it was my fault, and it would stop if I could somehow make him feel more secure.

He dropped to his knees and buried his face between my legs as I trembled, doing my best to catch the blood running down the side of my body. Doing my best not to cry as he manipulated my emotions, as he made me orgasm.

After that night, I tried to tease him. I said he was looking at a girl on the beach, too. I had hoped it would make him see he had nothing to worry about.

My plan worked, but it also backfired. He used that moment to say I was just like him. We were no different, and I was jealous like he was. Didn’t I see it?

Only, I wasn’t a danger to him. I didn’t have the strength to hold him down with my forearm against his neck. I couldn’t pin him to the wall and scar his body so he’d be embarrassed for others to see him in a swimsuit.

I didn’t tell him he’d only be attractive to me now because I’d marked him, because I’d made him mine. I couldn’t hurt him that way… and I didn’t want to hurt him that way. I didn’t want to control him.

Crawling beneath the blankets on my bed, I curl my knees to my chest. I wrap my palms over the scars under my arms, the stripes on my inner thighs. I don’t want to be his anymore.

Closing my eyes, I imagine taking Adam’s hands and putting them over my damaged places. I imagine him being able to look at me without judgment. I imagine him loving me in spite of the past, in spite of me not being the person I pretend to be.

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