Page 34 of By Your Side

I’m thinking of you on this difficult day. I didn’t want you to have to worry about feeding a house full of people, so dinner is on me.

Owen

Holding the card to my chest a moment, I set it down and open the bag of food. It smells incredible.

“Owen sent the food, so let’s dig in while it’s hot.”

I quickly send Owen a text, thanking him for the flowers and food.

Sitting at the table, we devour the BBQ ribs, twice-baked potatoes, and an amazing Greek salad. Surrounded by my parents and two friends who feel like they’ve been part of my life for so much longer, I know that as I get past this day, I’m ready to close out the chapter I had with Scott. It was amazing and I will always remember our love and life together, but I also know that I need to live fully. Scott wouldn’t want it any other way.

twenty

Adeline

Looking outside, I watch as the snow continues to pile up around the house, it’s been snowing daily for two weeks straight and pretty soon I’m going to need to bundle up and clear my driveway.

Owen took a break from working on the kitchen tear out to take off the mower from my tractor and put on the snow blade.

Ever since he got back from his mom’s house, he’s been over daily to work on the main floor. I appreciate his determination to get everything done by December. I really want my house back for the Christmas season.

Grabbing my bag, I head out the door for a girls’ night at Raelynn’s. Just the thing I need with this huge shift in weather.

The roads are icy, but manageable and soon I’m settled on Raelynn’s couch.

“Do you want something hot to drink?” Raelynn asks as she carries the last of the food from her kitchen to her coffee table. “I hope you’re ready to pack away all this junk food. We haven’t had girls’ night in far too long.”

Grinning sheepishly, I shrug. “I know, I’m sorry. Owen has been monopolizing a lot of my time as we work on the house together.”

“Well, I’m glad I could steal you for the night. You two seem to be getting along really well.” Her tone is suggestive as she sits on the couch next to me, reaching for a chip.

Nodding in agreement, I scoop some jalapeno popper dip and pop it into my mouth. “It’s been really good. There’s something there, but neither of us has broached the subject and right now I’m okay with that, the idea of opening my heart up again scares me. And fills me with intense guilt.”

Loading a movie, she turns the volume down so we can still hear it, but we can also talk. “Given your loss that’s understandable, but life doesn’t always flow on the timetable we want it to. Sometimes things come our way when we’re not quite there, but you have to decide if you want to take a leap and see or if you want to risk it passing you by.”

Chewing on my lower lip, I cross my legs and frown. “I hear what you’re saying. It’s just Scott passed away a little over a year ago. Part of me feels like I’m cheating on him every time Owen makes my heart beat a little faster. We planned out our entire life together. And despite dealing with the intensity of my grief after, it still lingers when I find myself moving forward without him. I know he would want me to live a full life, but I also want to respect the love we shared together.”

“It’s tough. I don’t know that I would feel any differently in your position. I also know that the chemistry you and Owen share is tangible. You’ve built a bond that’s beyond the partnership of working together.” Raelynn’s voice is gentle.

She’s right. Owen and I spend almost every day in some capacity together, even when he’s not working on the house we manage to run into each other. And when I don’t see him, I miss him.

“I don’t know.” Dropping my eyes, I take a sip of my wine. “I think he could be more, but I am not willing to put myself out there. I don’t know how to explain why, but I just can’t take that next step, you know?”

Sadness fills her eyes. “I can understand that. I’m sure he is also feeling worried about putting himself out there, he doesn’t want to be disrespectful. Thankfully, there’s no reason to rush into anything. Go at the pace you feel comfortable with otherwise things will end in a way you can’t take back. I know what it’s like to end something and wish I could take it back. I don’t want that for you.”

“Want to tell me about it?” Rather than focusing on my conflicting emotions about my feelings for Owen, feelings I don’t feel ready to delve into, I take the opening.

“There’s nothing really to talk about. I was going through a hard time and pushed Cameron away when what I really wanted was for him to see me and see that I needed him to say, ‘I see you struggling and I’m here.’ I think he did in his way, but I couldn’t see it. So, I ended things in an attempt to protect him and myself, it was so misguided. I moved out, did my thing for a couple months, including flying to meet some random guy for a weekend, like I said I was in a bad place, and then I came to my senses. When I got back, I went to call him, but he met someone.” She shrugs as though it was nothing, but I see through it.

“Like actually met someone?” My question is cautious.

“Same woman he married this summer,” she whispers, her voice thick with emotion.

“That seems fast.” Biting my lip, I cringe. “I’m sorry. That’s not helpful.”

She gives me a small smile. “No, you’re right. It did seem fast. That was as painful as the ending of our relationship. It felt like our time together hadn’t mattered to him.”

We pick at the food, giving our attention to the movie as we both get lost in our own thoughts.

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