Page 8 of Why Not Me?

Allie:Look, I want to know what happened. I think closure is a good idea. As far as friendship, let’s see how our chat goes. If we decide to be friends, I’m going to be open with Brendan about it. Friends or not, he needs to know and feel comfortable with it.

Me:When can we meet?

Allie:Tomorrow. Brendan is meeting with some new clients, so I’m free.

When I rejoin Josh in the living room our older brother, Kellan, is sitting with him on the large leather couch. He looks up at me from the laptop situated on his lap, his eyes narrowed into thin slits. “You’re a dumbass.”

“Hello to you too, big brother.” I drop down onto my spot and pick up the remote, scrolling through our library of digital movies, ignoring my brothers as they stare at me.

“Josh told me what you’re doing with Allie. There’s no way this ends well, for either of you.” His critical tone grinds on my already shot nerves. When he shuts the computer and sets it onto the table, I know he’s not done.

“You don’t know what we’re talking about. I’m going to explain to her what happened, and then we’re going to be friends.” Crossing my legs at the ankles, I finally decide a re-watch ofCommunityis in order.

“A single man and a taken woman can’t just be friends. Not with the past you two have. You’re not nineteen anymore, the mistakes you make are no longer cute.” Kellan arches his brow at me.

Ignoring him, I hunker down to watch one of the best shows ever while trying not to count down the hours until I can finally have a chance to explain myself to Allie. An opportunity I never thought I would get.

He chuckles to himself, trying to get a rise out of me. It nearly works, but I bite my tongue. I’m not about to take advice from a dude who is twenty-nine and has never been in love.

Allie’s the one who got away, and I’ll take her any way I can get, as pathetic as that sounds.

Helping PeeWee out of my car, I set him on the ground and make my way to the entrance of the park where we arranged to meet. I’m early and Allie is nowhere in sight, so I sit on the bench, lifting PeeWee into my arms when he scratches at my leg.

I’m talking to him, rubbing his chin when I hear her voice behind me. “I’m pretty sure bringing the world’s cutest dog is illegal when you’re meeting your ex-girlfriend to explain why you broke up with her over the phone.” Her tone is sarcastic, but lightened by the smile on her face as she comes around the bench to face me.

She sits next to me and reaches out to pet PeeWee. He leans into it, his brown eyes closing as she finds the spot on his neck that he loves to have scratched.

Allie looks stunning in a black down coat, red scarf, and matching beanie. Her dark brown hair falls in waves over her shoulders, my hands itch to reach over and feel the silky strands. I loop PeeWee’s leash around my wrist for something to do with my hands, otherwise my fingers would be running through the waves.

“He needed his walk.” I shrug, unashamed that I brought him to soften her a bit. I knew her defenses would be up and this little scruff muffin has a knack for making even the most hard-assed people smile.

“Well, let’s walk.” She stands up, tucking her hands into her pockets.

We fall into stride next to each other, silent as we enter the trail. The cover of the trees shelters us from the frigid winter wind. Our breath fills the air with white fog as we walk.

“Remember when we met and started hanging out how I was seeing Melissa? And then when we realized our connection and we became more, you knew I was still involved with her?” At first, there was a bit of a thrill to seeing two different women, until I realized the connection I had with Allie was real. Then it became obvious I needed to end things with Melissa.

That was harder than I anticipated, given our history. We met in high school, hung out in the same crowd, and I helped her escape from her house when her parents were going through a brutal divorce. And then once I came to terms with the fact that it was no reason to cling to the relationship, there was always something going on in her life that made me feel guilty about leaving. She had surgery. Her grandma died. I could never find an opportune moment.

“Of course, any morality flew out the window. When I was with you, I couldn’t think of anything other than how you made me feel. Besides, I believed you when you said you were waiting for the right time to break it off with her.” Her brows pinch together. “Then you finally told me you were going to do it, but you chose her over me in the end. Why her, Landon? Why not me?”

I hate the sadness in her voice, the hurt that still lingers after all this time.

“After you left my house that morning, Melissa showed up at my door a few hours later. I’d invited her over because I was planning on ending it with her, like I told you I was. Before I could, she handed me a pregnancy test. It was positive.” My stomach clenches as I remember seeing her that afternoon, looking absolutely devastated.

She confronted me over Allie, calling me out for cheating on her and threatening to withhold access to our child. She wanted me to commit to her, give things a chance, and even though I knew things with her would never be quite what I had with Allie, I also knew that we had been happy before.

Allie inhales a sharp breath, her eyes shooting to mine before returning to the path. Her breaths start coming faster, and I’m not even sure she’s aware that she’s walking faster, her face closed off.

Without giving her too long to think about it, I push forward. “Melissa told me she knew about us and wanted me to choose her, and our child. She thought for the baby’s sake we should try and felt that what you and I had was something that would pass. Allie, I was nineteen and I knew how hard it would be for her to raise the child on her own. How hard a single parent has to work, even if the other parent is involved. It took me all day to prepare myself to let you go. And even then, I was a coward and did it over the phone. I knew if I saw you, I would never follow through.” I don’t try to clear the thickness from my voice. The memory of that day haunts me. So many mistakes were made. Mistakes that paved the way for nearly a decade of my life.

This time Allie spins to face me, her cheeks rosy and her eyes glassy. “You have a kid? I knew you hadn’t broken things off with Melissa, but I didn’t think—” She cuts herself off as she shakes her head, a tear spilling down onto her cheek. “I was so foolish.”

“I’m sorry. There’s so much I would change if I could go back, I know it’s a lot to ask for you to trust that, but it’s the truth.” I hate the look of betrayal she’s directing at me.

There were so many secrets, so many lies. And I’m not even done with the shitshow that happened after Allie was out of my life.

“That’s what I believed. I moved Melissa into my apartment, prepared for our baby, and then she miscarried. She was so devastated, I couldn’t leave her and, not long after, she said she was pregnant again. This became a cycle and it destroyed me. I stayed with Melissa until just under a year ago. It’ll be a year in December. I held on for so long because I let you go for her and I couldn’t bear to think I made the wrong choice. I finally got tired of living a lie, of living in the shadow of what I lost because I was clinging to something that should’ve ended years before. I was so young, and so stupid.” I reach out to take her hand in mine, shocked when she lets me. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry I was a coward. I’m just—sorry. Nothing about what happened was right. I can’t take back what I did and the things in my control that I ignored. I wish I could.”

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