Page 9 of Why Not Me?

She licks her lips, searching my eyes, before she pulls her hand away and drops her eyes. “That’s—a lot to take in.”

“I know.” I look at her, the weight of all the regrets heavy on my shoulders. I look back and think about how selfish I was. That selfishness caused me so much pain and grief. In the past seven years it’s been a lot to come to terms with.

“I can understand the young part, our relationship started when it shouldn’t have, neither of us able to see past the way we felt together. We both were young and foolish. I still can’t help but wonder even after all you’ve told me—why not me? Why not at least talk to me?” She crosses her arms, the way she does when she’s trying to protect herself, and starts walking again.

My face falls, my chest seizing as breathing becomes near impossible. “My parents weren’t married when they had me, and they never were together. I was foolish enough to believe the small iota of feelings I had for Melissa before I met you was enough to make a relationship, a family, work. And then we experienced miscarriage after miscarriage. It was devastating. I think I wanted a baby so bad to make up for what I sacrificed, what I lost when I ended things with you.”

Tilting my head up, I focus on the treetops as I fight back my emotions. Closing my eyes as snow starts to fall, I try to find my bearings. Small arms wrap around my waist, Allie’s slender frame pressing into me. My arms automatically respond, holding her close as I look down at the crown of her head. Having her here, fitting into me in that perfect way, it feels so right. It’s the piece that’s been missing.

My arms fall away as she steps back, the devastation clear on her face. She shakes her head as I start to speak, turning to start walking again. Her eyes are downcast, her lashes glistening with melting snow. It pains me when I see a tear fall down her cheek and she turns her face away, hiding it from me.

If things had been different, this would be us right now. Except we would be holding hands and laughing together. Or I would be kissing her passionately in the snow, her favorite thing in the world. We might even have a baby to call our own. Instead, we’re walking side by side with a respectable distance between us. Tears falling down her cheeks.

And even though I know it’s wrong, I’m hoping some of those tears are falling for what we lost.

Brendan:I’m on my way home. I can’t wait to see you.

Tugging the blanket more firmly around me, I clench my eyes shut and try to get my shit together. Everything Landon said to me today, the entire circumstances around our end and what he’s gone through since that night, it’s heavy on my mind.

I told Brendan I was meeting an old friend, that there was a heavy history and it was a chance to get some clarity. I’m still unsure what Landon wants from me and a part of me knows I should say goodbye and let myself move on, but another part of me, the part that’s always felt this connection, this tether holding us together, baulks at that thought.

Keys rattle in the door, Brendan coming in with a happiness that helps lift some of the burden I’m carrying. I know he could tell I was sad when we were texting earlier, he can always tell. Even when we first met, somehow he just saw something in me and knew I needed some lightness.

He leans over the back of the couch and blows a raspberry where my neck and shoulder meet, right where I’m ticklish. Giggling, my shoulder lifts reflexively, and I roll onto my back so I can find comfort in the gentle way he looks at me.

Before I can say anything, he lifts a bouquet of orchids from behind the couch, handing them to me. They’re beautiful, purple and white with little hints of yellow.

“Oh, my goodness, they’re gorgeous.” I sit up, the first genuine smile I’ve had since I met Landon at lunch pulling at my lips as I hold the flowers to my nose and inhale the sweet fragrance. “What’s the occasion?”

“You sounded so down in your text, I just wanted to see you smile. You should never be sad, Allie. You’re too incredible.” Brendan bends down once more, this time kissing me before smiling against my lips when I wrap my hand around the back of his neck.

We’re both breathing heavily when he finally straightens, taking the flowers from my hands so he can put them in water.

“I was thinking we could go out tonight, do something fun,” he suggests, his tone hopeful.

It was nice cuddling on the couch last night, I know we need more “us” time and I was could use the distraction. Besides, how long has it been since we went out on a date? I watch as Brendan fills a vase with water, arranges the flowers inside, and sets it on our kitchen table before turning to me.

Sitting up, the blanket falls around my waist. Brendan’s eyes immediately look at my bare shoulder and I can see his thoughts moving in a different direction. As much as I wish I could push thoughts of Landon aside, I can’t bear the idea of being intimate with Brendan when another man is dominating the majority of my brain.

Grinning at him, I feed into the excitement of getting out and doing something else to occupy me. “Yeah! What do you have in mind?”

“It’s a surprise.” He grins at me when I groan jokingly, winking as he comes to pull me off the couch and wrapping me in his arms. “It’ll be fun, I promise.”

Forty-five minutes later, he’s standing behind me, his hand wrapped around mine which is wrapped around the handle of an ax. My back is pressed against his chest, his cheek resting against the side of my head. He groans a little when I wiggle my ass, pressing it into his groin as we focus on the movement of our arms as we throw it, and miss the target entirely.

Turning to Brendan, I giggle, “This might be easier if we throw our own axes.”

“Possibly, but I love the way you wiggle in excitement. Your way sounds like less fun, even if our axes might actually hit the target.” He chuckles when I push him away playfully and pick up another ax. His hands go up in surrender as I glare at him, my lips twitching.

I watch him cross his arms, his eyes on me as I turn to face the target. Shifting around, I try to position my legs the way they taught us, sticking my tongue out for extra focus.

“I take it back; this way has its perks too.” I glance behind me, rolling my eyes as he leans against the wall with a cocky grin on his face.

Refocusing on my task, I narrow my eyes and attempt to aim the ax at the center circle.

I release the ax and watching in complete shock as it hits the target right in the center. Throwing my arms in the air, I spin in a circle before turning and running at Brendan. He catches me, like I knew he would, and buries his face in my neck as I wrap my legs around his waist. This was exactly what I needed. Gushing, I pull back to meet Brendan’s gaze. “This has been the perfect date night. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.” His voice is hoarse, thick with emotion and it makes me pause. He looks like he’s thrilled but sad at the same time. Then it dawns on me, we haven’t been this affectionate in a long time, it’s nice that we’re focusing on getting out and doing things as a couple again.

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