Page 45 of Why Not Me?

The nurse bustles out of the room after telling me to stay put. She returns quickly, frowning when she sees me swaying where I sit. “He can stay.”

Landon guides me back down on the bed, with a grateful thanks to the nurse, and folds me back into his arms. She gives a gentle, but tired smile as I fade out as quickly as I came to.

Since I’m too sore to sleep on an air mattress and go hiking, Landon cancels our vacation with the promise that we’ll go once I’m feeling better. Instead, I shift my time off to sick time and he packs up PeeWee to come stay with me and Blade.

For the first week, I absolutely love having him dote on me. My body aches in ways I’ve never felt, and having Landon with me makes me feel safe. By the end of the first week, I’m going stir-crazy from being housebound and not having any space to myself. I love Landon, but he’s in overprotective mode and it’s becoming a little much.

“I think I’m going to go out, do a little shopping.” My voice is determined, ready to win the argument I know is coming. I’m already dressed and ready to go, less time for him to argue with me.

“I guess we have been pretty cooped up in the house.” He smiles and rests his hand on my arm and kisses my cheek. “Give me ten minutes and we can head out.”

“Landon, I appreciate how helpful you’ve been this past week, but I was hoping to have some alone time.” Biting my lip, I fight the crushing guilt at the hurt look on his face. He’s trying so hard to be there for me, to ensure I have everything I need, and it feels like I’m throwing it in his face.

When he sighs and smiles, I wrap my arms around him more grateful than I can express over how wonderful he is. “I just want to help. Go, have fun. I’ll see you when you get home. Maybe I’ll take PeeWee for a walk.”

Heading out, I decide to go to the mall and just wander through my favorite stores. As I drive, I find myself looking at my town with new eyes. Every person on the street looks suspicious and I find myself wondering which of the men I see is the one who tried to violate me in the worst way.

My safe home has been painted with a new brush and I don’t like it. I want the rose-colored glasses back. I don’t want to think twice about going for a walk after dark. I don’t want to feel like I need to check over my shoulder when I’m out.

Lost in my thoughts, I drive mindlessly through town and into the parking lot. Shutting my car off, I step out and finally process my surroundings. I’m at work.

Breathing hard, I start to open my car door again, but instead I drop my hand and with unsteady footsteps, I slowly make my way into the center of the park. My heart pounds, my chest feels constricted as I take slow steps.

I’ve lost my damn mind, but I can’t seem to pull myself away. Maybe it’s just morbid curiosity, but I need to look at the place where just a week ago I was pinned down. I need to face the space that I designed to be a Zen garden, but is now I place that has been haunting my nightmares.

Tears fill my eyes as I kick my flip flops off and step onto the stones at the base of the fountain, just like that day. This time, however, I’m more watchful of my surroundings.

Taking a deep breath, I turn to face the bench I was thrown down on. It looks exactly the same as it did before. Of course it does. If our environment changed to reflect the horrific things that happened in it, the world would be an ugly place. Instead, most of humanity’s ugliness is disguised, with a few exceptions of course.

The air flowing in and out of my lungs is choking me as I try to prevent the feeling of suffocation and panic. I can’t seem to fill my lungs enough.

Biting my fist, I stifle back a sob as my knees buckle and I collapse to the ground. Planting my hands on the smooth stones, I let myself release the tears, the flowing water washing them away. I’m completely shaken, and I don’t know how to find some sort of peace again.

My head jerks up, a scream flying from my lips when a hand lands on my shoulders. My vision is blurry as I pummel the person touching me with my fists.

“Shhh. Allie, it’s me. It’s Landon.” His face fills my blurred vision before I collapse weakly into his arms. His soft, soothing whispers calming me while my body stops convulsing with the power of my sobs.

I don’t know how much time passes before the tears stops and my breathing evens out. Stepping back, I rub my hands over my arms trying to warm up.

“Why are you here, Landon?” My voice is quiet, resigned. The hoarseness scratching my throat. My entire body hurts.

“I followed you. I know you, Allie. I knew you would end up here.” When he steps toward me, I take a quick step back.

“I told you I wanted to be alone, just for an afternoon. I’m a grown woman, I’m capable of dealing with this. I just wanted you to leave me alone.” I know my words hurt him. I know he’s trying to help. That doesn’t change the fact that I need time to myself to deal with what happened. I like to believe I will be able to move past it, but I need to confront as much of it as I can. And I want to do that on my own.

“Allie, I can’t just leave you alone.” He sounds tired, and for the first time I notice the dark circles under his eyes. How could I have missed them?

“Yes, you can. I love having you stay with me, but you don’t need to sacrifice your time to yourself just because this happened.” My words are harsh, completely unfair, but I can’t seem to find my filter.

“You’re wrong. It’s not a sacrifice. And yes, I do need to be with you. I need to make sure you’re okay.” His quiet, steady demeanor just fuels my irrational anger.

“Why? Why are you putting this on yourself?” I raise my voice. I hate feeling dependent on anyone and right now it feels like he is bearing the weight of our relationship. I want him to have an equal partner in me, I don’t want him to feel like I’m a burden.

“Because it’s my fault!” he yells, dropping his voice when I flinch. “You were attacked because of me. You were attacked because I was late. That’s why. That’s why I need to make sure you’re okay. If you’re okay, then we’ll be okay. I need you to know I won’t let you down again. I can’t sleep because all I can think about is losing you. Losing you because one day you’ll wake up and resent me for letting this happen to you.”

He looks so tormented, it breaks my heart and suddenly I see the whole situation from his point of view. I finally recognize what I’m seeing in his eyes, a desperate need to make things right. Rushing forward, I wrap my arms around him.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not. There’s only one person to blame, and that’s the sick person who attacked me. He’s the only one at fault. If it wasn’t me, it would’ve been someone else. I could’ve stayed inside, but I didn’t. That doesn’t make it my fault. We can’t take that on because it just releases him from his guilt.” As I speak the words, I feel a piece of me click back together.

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