Page 46 of Why Not Me?

I’m nowhere near healed, this will be an emotional scar that will last a lifetime, but vocalizing that it was a conscious decision of a person who saw an opportunity helps me realize I was holding some of the blame. I don’t want that for either of us.

Landon presses his forehead to mine, our eyes locked on each other. In this moment we’re holding each other together, stabilizing, and I know that no matter what comes our way, I will fight for us always to be the other’s safe place. That’s what love is about. It’s not about equal playing fields. It’s about creating a balance that works for us and knowing it’s okay for it to tip one way or the other, because eventually it will even out again.

“I love you, Allie. Maybe here, in this place, isn’t the best spot to tell you, but I need you to hear the words. I need you to know that I won’t leave you alone when you’re hurting, because that’s what you do for someone you love.” He searches my eyes, his hands kneading gentle circles in my lower back.

“I love you too.” My voice is quiet, sure. It’s the one thing I’m one hundred percent certain of.

He kisses me, deep and passionately. Every feeling we’ve been holding onto, fear, anger, guilt, love; it’s all poured into this kiss. And it’s perfect.

Landon has colored this place with a positive memory. It’ll always hold a shadow, it may not be the place it once was, but this moment will always be bigger.

“Thank you for returning some of the peace to my Zen garden.” Burying my face into his chest, I breathe in deeply. “Let’s go home.”

Once we get home, Allie goes to take a warm bath and I set about prepping dinner. I knew she would go to that garden, I could feel it. I’m so glad I followed that feeling and showed up. A weight has been lifted, telling her how I feel like it’s my fault, and her conviction when she took both of us out of the equation and reminded me it’s no one’s fault but thatguy’s.

Now that some of her physical aches have eased, her ribs the biggest source of contention, she’s returning to work next week. I can see the conflicting emotions she’s struggling with when she talks about going back there, but maybe today will help.

By the time Allie gets out of the tub, dinner is on the table.

“This looks so good!” Allie gushes.

It’s a simple casserole, but I made sure to add in extra pepper jack cheese, her favorite.

“While I was cooking, I was thinking you should call Dawn and Blake up. You’ve been avoiding Dawn since the hospital. Plus Blake sounded really upset when you were talking to her last night.” My voice is gentle, but she needs to talk to them, to someone, about what happened.

“You’re right. I know Dawn will want to talk more about the Brendan thing, even though it’s unnecessary. Blake returned yesterday from her vacation, I know speaking on the phone last night wasn’t enough to appease her, she was mad no one told her about what happened. I said I didn’t want to ruin her vacation.” Allie sets her fork down, the wince when she reaches for the pitcher of iced tea barely discernible, but I don’t miss it. I know better than to say anything, we’ve argued enough over me trying to do too much for her.

PeeWee barks at Blade, who is perched on his cat tower. Grinning, I glance over at Allie. “I think he likes living here with his buddy.”

Allie’s fork pauses mid-air as she looks over to where PeeWee is wiggling his butt, waiting for Blade to play. “They definitely get along.” She clears her throat, glancing back at me. “Landon, I love having you here, but I think maybe you should go home. I know how hard it is for you not to do things for me, but I need to get back into my own routine. It’s not that I don’t love having you here, but—”

“But you’re ready to have your space back. I understand. It’s going to be impossible not to worry, but I’ll head home tomorrow, if that’s okay.” I smile at her, trying to hide how disappointed I am. I don’t want to go back home. Living with Allie has been a dream come true, but I know she’s not ready for that.

“Thank you for understanding. I was thinking, maybe you should keep your key.” She watches me, her lips quirking as I visibly try to contain my excitement.

“Really?” She nods.

It’s still so surreal, we’re here and we’re actually moving forward. She’s starting to trust that I’m not going anywhere this time, and I’m going to continue to show her how much I love her and that I will do anything to make her happy.

“I love you. I’ll make you a key this week. I just need to let Josh know so he quits walking around in his underwear.” We grin at each other.

Allie made the mistake of walking in the house the other day when I went to grab some more clothes and got a glimpse of Josh pulling his boxers up over his ass. He really has no shame.

“Yeah, that was scarring. We should introduce him to Blake.” Laughing, she shakes her head. “She would eat him up and spit him out.”

Allie’s not lying, but as much as I love my brother, I would love to see it. Though, we both know that Josh isn’t Blake’s type.

At the end of the night, we curl up in her bed. I listen to her steady breathing, grateful that she’s sleeping peacefully. The first few nights she had such bad nightmares, she punched me in the face.

Kissing her shoulder, I close my eyes and fall asleep grateful that it’s next to Allie. Every night, I say thanks for my second chance.

Tonight is my first night in my condo without Landon since the attack. Instead of facing the emptiness, I invited Dawn and Blake over for pizza and a movie. It’s kind of sad, but I also want to catch up with them now that things have settled a little more, and without Landon hovering like a neurotic hen in the background.

“Come in,” I holler when I hear a knock on the door, I look up from where I’m laying out snacks on the coffee table to grin at Blake.

“You’re early.” I snag a carrot and dunk it into my homemade dill dip. God, that’s so good.

“Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about something before Dawn got here.” Blake’s tone is uncharacteristically serious, so I sit down.

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