Page 22 of Why Not Me?

Now, I just need to talk it through with my two best friends—before I see Landon in a couple of hours. They always help me see things a little more clearly, calling me out on my blind spots.

Walking into the bar, I spot them in a secluded booth. They’re talking in hushed tones and I can tell that they’re arguing about something.

Both fall quiet as I come up to the table.

“Do I want to know?” I slide into the booth next to Blake and look between them. It’s not unusual for them to bicker, their differing personalities often causing them to come head to head.

They have a silent conversation before turning to smile at me in unison. It would be creepy if I wasn’t used to their weird mannerisms, even though they’re behaving odder than usual.

“No, just silly sister stuff.” Blake flags down the server.

“Uh huh.” Narrowing my eyes, I look between them suspiciously.

We order, our drinks coming quickly as we catch up on our day. Once we’re a couple of sips in, I wait for a lull in the conversation and finally voice the words that I’ve been trying to get comfortable with over the past twenty-four hours. They still hurt, still make me a little queasy, but in my heart, I know it’s right.

“I’m going to break up with Brendan.” Both of their mouths drop open, so I rush on before they can start asking questions. “This is a long time coming, I just didn’t want to admit that more was wrong in our relationship than a weird dry spell. The past few days I turned my phone off, and I tried. Like really tried. I was present. I made more of an effort than I have in over a year.”

Holding a finger up, I grab my drink and sip at it, trying to drown the constricted feeling starting in my throat. “We went away, spent two nights at a romantic inn. We played, joked, and just enjoyed each other’s company. Something’s missing, I think it’s always been missing to an extent, but it’s become glaringly obvious that we’re never going to find it. And before you ask, yes, part of this has to do with Landon. No, nothing has happened. And no, I’m not breaking up with Brendan and jumping into something with Landon, I couldn’t do that to either of them.”

Dropping my head into my hands, I choke out, “I just can’t pretend that what Brendan and I have is enough. It doesn’t matter how much effort we put in, I don’t think we will ever work in the long run, I just didn’t want to admit it because I do love him. It’s just not the right kind of love.”

Pausing to take a breath and a drink of my margarita, I try to ignore the burning sensation behind my eyes while I wait for the onslaught of questions.

“Okay. . .” Blake starts, staring down at her drink as she tries to formulate her thoughts.

“Wow,” Dawn breathes out, glancing at her sister.

“You know we support your decision, and if we’re honest we’re not really surprised. There was a spark that was lacking, right from the start, but you seemed happy so I thought maybe it was just because things were so intense with you and Landon. Have you figured out when?” Blake rolls her glass between her palms, unusually introspective.

“I don’t know. This is new territory for me. Part of me wants to do it tonight, but then where do we go? Do I leave? Does he? Ending things with someone you’ve been with for six years, someone you own a home with, it’s complicated. The idea of holding this in though, pretending that everything is fine, it’s not fair to him. And I already feel like I haven’t been fair to him.” I choke up, my eyes filling with tears that start to spill over.

Clenching my hands, I close my eyes and breathe. I’ve held it together for days as I’ve come to this realization and I just can’t anymore. Brendan has been such an important part of my life, someone I cherish, and I’m going to lose him. I just know that in the long run, we will lose more of ourselves if we continue to try to work at something that doesn’t fit the way it needs to.

“It hurts to think of losing my best friend. I’ve been sad and angry, this mixed bag of emotions rolling through me. Mostly at myself for not listening to my gut when I initially said no to him, but then I wouldn’t have the last six years and I realize we needed each other during that time. Now it’s just run its course.” My head is in my hands, my fingers pressing into my skull.

Opening my eyes, I look between Blake and Dawn. They’re both holding back tears as they each take one of my hands. The blood rushes back in as I relax my fist and take hold of their strength.

We’re all quiet as we think about the past six years. The thought of not being with Brendan scares me. What we have is safe, it’s comfortable, but we both deserve more than that. In my heart, I think once he’s had time to think about it, I believe he’ll agree it’s what’s best. I just need to deal with the steps to get there.

“It sounds like you’ve thought this through.” Blake’s voice is understanding.

“How do you think Brendan will take it?” Dawn’s question is cautious, her eyes on her drink.

“I really don’t know,” I whisper, my voice shaky.

It seems like time disappears until I need to leave to see Landon for our final physio appointment. I won’t be telling him about my decision, Brendan deserves to know first. The only reason I talked to Blake and Dawn is because I needed to work through how to do this. There’s no script, but I still needed to practice saying out loud that things with Brendan are done.

It hurts.

It hurts to know I’m giving up six years of loving someone, but the idea of letting things pan out into marriage and a family while knowing it’s not what my heart wants, is more painful.

We both deserve better.

My nerves are shot by the time I walk into Landon’s clinic and lock the door behind me. It’s quiet, dark, and he’s nowhere to be seen, so I take the time alone to hang up my stuff and calm the pounding of my heart.

Not talking to him was a challenge, but I needed to give Brendan my full attention without the distraction. Ever since Landon reappeared in my life, I’ve been trying harder in my relationship, but it stemmed from the guilt of talking to Landon, ignoring that it was wrong considering how he makes me feel. I needed to put that effort in without the guilt.

Maybe three days doesn’t seem like enough time, but at the end of each night I had more clarity and I knew that even if Landon wasn’t in my life now, things with Brendan would have eventually come to an end. And that’s what I needed to figure out.

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