Page 21 of Why Not Me?

“Why don’t we order room service and spend all afternoon in bed.” He wiggles his eyebrows.

“Oh, I was hoping we could go sit in front of the fire. That hot chocolate looked so tasty when we were checking in.” My words are hopeful. This weekend is about us, but I don’t want to spend it cooped up inside.

Brendan is much more of a homebody than I am, I like to get out and socialize. I’ve found that we’ve been doing less and less getting out as a couple, he usually tells me to go out and enjoy myself while he stays home, but if we’re going to make this work we need to find a balance.

“That sounds nice. Maybe it’s calmed down a little since we came in.” He gets out of bed, tossing me my clothes before dressing.

“I’m sure we can find a spot.” I grin, happy that we’re going to explore.

He takes my hand and we head out. After we grab our drinks, we snag a loveseat right next to the fire. The smell of wood and smoke, combined with the crackling sounds as the wood burns creates the perfect setting.

As I look around, I appreciate how idyllic the inn is. If there is a place to rekindle romance, it’s here.

As we sip our drinks, we fall into the usual pattern of talking about work. I try to think of other things to discuss, like we did last night, but we’ve been so stuck in our routine we’ve lost the experiences that create opportunities for reminiscing. My life lately has been in such turmoil that I can’t think of anything else.

As Brendan talks about his goals for expanding his business, I listen intently. I hear every word and respond accordingly. During the entire time, seventy-five percent of my brain is trying to figure out how I feel. Talking with him feels good, like when I get to have girls’ nights with Blake and Dawn. There should be more to our relationship than friendship. We rock at that part.

With a sinking feeling, I start to admit to myself that maybe it was never really there. After Landon ended things and my heart was broken, Brendan offered a safe choice. He’s an amazing boyfriend, everything a girl could hope for, but the more I let myself really evaluate our relationship, the more I understand my heart never gave itself to Brendan the way it needs to.

This reality is one I’m not sure I’m ready to face, but it’s something that’s been getting louder and louder in my head.

The rounded toe of my snowshoe catches the snow, tipping me face first into the snow. Giggling, I roll over, brushing myself off. “Who knew this was so difficult?”

I’m sitting in the middle of the path, my feet tilted at an awkward angle as I try to figure out how to get up.

“I didn’t realize you were so clumsy.” Brendan’s voice is teasing as he walks over and helps me up.

I’m completely awkward as I adjust myself and attempt to tackle him into a snowbank, but my feet get caught together again and I trip into his arms instead.

“I’m not used to having to maneuver around this much shoe.” I can’t stop laughing as I figure out my footing. I consider myself a fairly graceful person, I can walk in heels, I don’t trip over random things—usually—and it’s very rare that I fall down as much as I have in the last forty-five minutes. This entire endeavor has been hilarious.

Brendan holds me close, leaning down to kiss me. One thing about Landon reappearing in my life has done is make me spend time evaluating not only my relationship with Brendan since then, but also prior to. I think I was in denial about how much we needed to work on things. It’s always been so easy, our friendship evolving into more was almost a natural progression.

Sometimes I wondered why there isn’t more of a spark, that intense need for each other, but I put it down to the fact we were friends first so we skipped that stage. Now, I’m not so sure.

Brendan drops his arms, taking my hand as we continue along the path. The trail weaves through a huge garden that I bet would be beautiful in the summer. The snow adds its own magical quality that creates a gorgeous backdrop.

There is a couple having a photoshoot done, it looks like an engagement shoot. They’re all over each other, obviously intensely in love. I wonder if they’re going to get married here. It would be a perfect spot.

Frowning, I continue to watch them as we hike. They have a quality, a flare that just radiates off them. It makes me ask myself, why hasn’t Brendan proposed to me? When we were in college it made sense. Yet, we both have good jobs, we own our home, there is nothing to stop us. So, what has prevented him from asking? And if he had asked, pre-Landon, would I have the same sense of excitement radiating off me that the couple posing together does?

Soon we pass by, and they’re out of sight, but the vision of them together lingers. They look so happy, so in love. It fits. A weird feeling settles in my stomach. I want that. That passion.

We make our way through the rest of the trail, talking about the funny dog that lives in the inn rather than the topic we really need to discuss. I know we’re both avoiding it, I can feel a heaviness in Brendan’s gaze as the day progresses. He’s feeling it too, I just don’t know where his thoughts are on the topic of us.

Once back at the main entrance, we kick the snow off the shoes and lean them back into the rack.

The rest of the day is spent getting couples spa treatments. It’s not what I expect, I thought the romantic setting and relaxing experiences would lead to some sort of clarifying moment, but maybe I don’t need clarity. Instead of talking about how we’re both feeling, we spend the night cuddling and watching a movie.

It’s intimate, and it feels good, like home. The idea of not having this comfort scares me. The idea of not seeing Brendan makes my chest ache.

The idea of settling into what’s comfortable and ignoring the void, that makes me feel like I’m giving up the life I thought I would have.

Parking my car, I take a deep breath and look at the bar where I’m meeting Dawn and Blake. My heart is hammering in my chest. I finally turned my phone on after three days. Three days of giving my all into my relationship with Brendan. Three days of not talking to Landon. Three days of really trying to figure out what I want and trying to come to a decision. The first people I contacted were Blake and Dawn. I need them.

Things with Brendan have been different since before Landon, but I never acknowledged how different until he was back in my life, that flutter making an appearance after being absent so long.

The past three days have been eye opening and emotionally challenging. I haven’t been fair to Brendan for over a year. I’ve been taking him for granted and I haven’t been working at things. So, I tried. A few days might not seem like long enough, but I woke up this morning and I knew what I had to do.

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