Page 1 of Why Not Me?

October 25

Circling my hips, I spin in a circle as Dawn and I dance together. We’re out celebrating Dawn’s new job and the fact I aced my marketing exam. Lifting my arms above my head, I give a little shimmy, jumping when I feel my phone vibrate in the back pocket of my jeans.

Without missing a beat, I pull it out and smile when I see the name on the screen of my cell, I swipe my finger with an eagerness that hasn’t dissipated in the nine months we’ve been seeing each other. We fell hard and we fell fast, but I’ve never felt so connected with someone.

“Hey, babe, one sec,” I yell over the pounding dance music. It’s so loud, I don’t know if he can hear me, my words probably faint under the vibrating bass. Dawn smiles as I turn, waving at Blake when she glances at me, I hold my phone up and point to the patio. She grins with a wink and goes back to dancing with a giant of a man.

The patio is lit with twinkle lights, random heaters sit next to the picnic tables filling the space providing ambient heat for the rare person brave enough to face the bitter cold. The music sounds through a few speakers along the wall, but it’s turned down to be background noise. Tucking my free hand under my arm, I stand under the heater next to the door.

“Sorry about that. Is everything okay?” It’s unusual for Landon to call when he knows I’m out with my girlfriends. That must mean things didn’t go well with Melissa. “Do you need me to come over, we can cuddle on the couch. I know tonight wasn’t easy for you.”

Snowflakes start to fall around me, the first snow of the year making today one of my favorite days. I love the snow. There’s something enchanting about the first snow. It blankets everything to create a crisp, clean canvas. The air is fresher, and it’s the sign that mother nature is preparing for new growth. I think the only season I love more than winter is summer, when everything is in full bloom. The reward for the months we’ve endured the cold.

The music shifts to something slow. It’s quieter outside, the soft melody over the speaker adding to the magic of the night. I feel free of more than just another exam under my belt. Knowing that we can finally move forward, it makes me tilt my face up into the crisp flakes and smile. Tonight, everything is perfect.

When nothing but silence comes from the other end of the line, I can barely hear his breathing, I check my phone to make sure we didn’t disconnect. “Landon? What’s going on? You’re worrying me.”

“I can’t see you anymore, Allie.” His words are cold and detached, almost as though he’s talking to a stranger, so different from this morning.

I can’t stop the sharp inhalation at his words, the frigid air burning my lungs as I stumble to the nearest picnic table. No one is outside, the cold October night making everyone shy away from spending too much time outdoors—something I’m grateful for as my eyes fill with tears.

“What are you talking about? This morning everything was fine. What about everything you’ve told me, said to me?” My voice cracks as I try to make sense of what’s going on. Why is his tone so disconnected? My voice lowers, filled with such confusion and pain that I can’t recognize it. “I’m so confused.”

“There’s nothing to understand. I’m sorry I let this go on as long as I did, it was a mistake. I guess hindsight is twenty-twenty.” A whooshing in my ears blocks out his voice, the tears I’ve been holding at bay begin to fall as I realize this isn’t some weird, cruel joke. It’s real.

“I see. I guess there’s nothing to say then.” My voice is faint, barely a whisper, my head already filling in the blanks. I knew this was a risk, I was stupid enough to think our connection was strong enough to withstandher.So much so, that I did something I never thought I would do. Ever.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I bite back tears of despair. This is what I get for pushing aside my initial reservations and falling for his pretty words.

“Goodbye, Allie—I’m sorry.” The last words are whispered, a slight crack in the cold façade, but the phone clicks silent and that slight crack means nothing as I’m left sitting on the cold wooden bench in shock.

I slump against the rough edge of the tabletop, it’s sharp corner digging into my spine as I stare mindlessly as the snow slowly builds up on the ground, its beauty now tainted with the quiet breaking of my heart.

Seven Years Later

Shutting down my computer, I feed my fish, Bernie, and click all the lights off in my office. Before I set the alarm, I shoot Brendan a quick text letting him know I’m on my way home. He insists, especially in the winter.

Brendan:Please drive safe, traffic is insane today. Despite its return every year, people seem to forget how to drive in the snow.

It doesn’t matter how much time passes, Brendan never wavers in his interest in my safety or how my day is going. Smiling despite the weight of exhaustion settling into my muscles, I send him a heart emoji and tuck my phone away in my purse.

Taking a quick glance around, I lock up before walking sluggishly to my car, my feet dragging in the flats I was wise enough to toss under my desk. It’s been a long and exhausting week. We had to fire another developer for the new park this week, setting us back three months of work. A setback we didn’t need when we were already behind schedule.

The drive home passes by in a blur, my windshield wipers clearing the falling snow, but visibility is still terrible. It’s really coming down, again. One more thing to ruin my week, I hate the snow and the foot that’s fallen over the past three days just sours my mood even more.

Parking in my spot, I wait until the song on the radio is over before shutting my car off. The silence is welcome, my phone was ringing off the hook at work and the second I walk in the door I know Brendan will want to hear about my day, which I love, but this is my time to clear my head, especially after a day like today.

I love my job, but when I need to go over termination papers with a guy I genuinely like it’s not enjoyable. Then, to top it off, I had to field calls from the companies who donated to the park fund and explain why we’re behind schedule and over budget.

Sighing, I adjust my scarf and hat, before sliding out of my car. The pavement is icy, and the fluffy snow gets in my shoes as I slide around to the front of my car to plug it in before making my way to the passenger side and grabbing the straps of my messenger bag and purse from the back seat. My car beeps twice as it locks, the lights flashing brightly in the night.

Despite the cold, I find myself frozen on the spot as the snow falls around me. I’m normally a happy go-lucky person, but on this day every year I’m full of melancholy. It doesn’t matter that it’s been seven years, October twenty-fifth is always full of memories and confusion. The sting of the hole still in my heart never disappearing, no matter how full and good my life is.

My brain doesn’t let me turn off the replay of that day. From the morning full of smiles and giggles, to the night when my heart was broken. To top it off, I’m then filled with guilt because I have an incredible man in my life, a man who should make me forget Landon.

Tilting my head back, I look to the brightly lit windows of the condo I share with Brendan. Our building looks sketchy from the outside, the battered front door is grimy and the stucco covering the walls is crumbling away.

I remember when Bren and I first stood outside the front door, staring up at the building and debating whether we even wanted to go inside. I have that feeling now, but this time it’s because I don’t want Brendan to feel the sadness I’m carrying. It’s not fair to him that after all this time, a part of my heart is still broken.

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