Page 2 of Why Not Me?

Taking a deep breath, I make my way into the building and focus on the memory of the first time Brendan and I walked through these doors. The entryway is plain, just simple linoleum and a set of mailboxes for all the condos. The hallways are all painted the same builder’s beige, simple, nothing fancy, but a lot cleaner looking than you would expect after seeing the outside.

As I reach the door to our condo and step into the spacious living room, I remember the smirk on the realtor’s face when she saw our jaws drop. There is no way we could have been prepared for what awaited us inside.

The inside is in complete contrast to the outside. Sleek, modern, bright, and incredibly spacious. All the units were newly renovated when we purchased it.

I step inside looking around the room and remembering it when it was empty. It was beautiful when we bought it but comparing the empty space of my memory to the warm home we’ve created over the years, I love it even more than the day we moved in.

The gas fireplace is on in the living room, its radiant heat welcome after the frigid cold outside. Soft music comes from the kitchen, along with the mouthwatering scent of garlic and spices.

Hanging my bags onto the coat rack just inside the door, I unwind my scarf and remove my jacket. Hands reach out, offering me a glass of merlot, before resting on my shoulders and massaging them gently.

“You look tired.” Brendan’s voice is warm, the soft timbre comforting.

Turning, I tilt my chin up to receive the kiss I know is waiting for me. Brendan smiles down at me, love and affection radiating from him as he runs his hands up and down my arms to warm me up. I feel a little of the wear of the day fall away at his touch. Somehow, he’s always been able to piece me together, just enough that I don’t completely crack.

“It’s been an exhausting week. We fired Martin today, which added a stack of official paperwork to my already towering pile. Three months and we haven’t even broken ground on the new park, now we’re delayed until spring which means I’ve been putting fires out with our investors.” Closing my eyes, I groan at the fresh reminder of how many people yelled at me today.

Bren tsks appropriately, his fingers winding with mine as he leads me into the kitchen. Sitting in the chair he pulls out for me, I watch him move around the room. It’s been this way since we moved in two years ago. He’s home before I am and loves to cook, so whenever I walk in the door he hands me a glass of wine, asks me about my day, and puts the finishing touches on whatever delicious dish that’s waiting for me.

“How was your day?” I sip my wine, savoring the rich burst of flavor.

“Good. I’m on my way to getting this couple approved for a huge mortgage, which means an incredible commission. I was thinking, it’s been a long time since we’ve gone on vacation. Maybe we can finally take that trip to Italy you’ve always talked about.” He smiles at me, voice full of pride.

“That would be nice, there are some amazing places to see.” I try to infuse a little more enthusiasm into my voice as I continue to watch him move around our spacious kitchen.

I’m searching, always searching. The internal battle begins as it has for over a year now. I love him. I do. It’s just lately we haven’t felt like us, something is missing and I can’t pinpoint what exactly it is. And on this night especially, I really feel it, because if something wasn’t missing, I wouldn’t be so sad over what was.

The thing is, he loves me so much and I don’t want to hurt him with these doubts, especially when I don’t know the answers. I think I’m just tired, maybe we do need a vacation and Italy would be so amazing, especially if we could take our time and really see everything we want. It’s been several years since we’ve gone away, not even camping, and I think getting away and spending some real quality time together, exploring and having fun, will help alleviate these doubts.

Sighing, I run the tips of my fingers over the stem of my glass, wishing for the hundredth time that this day didn’t still bring so much sadness. Gazing outside, I focus on the way the lights reflect on the windows of the patio doors, blocking out the view of the park on the other side of the parking lot. Blocking the view of anything except the safety and comfort of this home. The safety and comfort of Brendan.

“Are you okay? You’re in your own little world.” His soft, comforting voice breaks into my thoughts and I realize he’s been talking to me.

Guilt fills me. He deserves so much more than I’m giving him right now, than I’ve been giving him in longer than is acceptable. “I’m sorry, this whole ordeal has been wearing on me. Paul is interviewing new contractors next week and I’m supposed to be meeting with possible sponsors for the new recreational facility rather than meeting with contractors to outline the park.” The lie slips out easily, because that’s what I’ve been thinking about in between thoughts of Landon—cringing, even his name hurts to think—and that night. Sipping my wine, I stand to help him set the table. “Tell me more about your day.”

He fills me in on the rest of his day, beaming as he tells me about signing the final paperwork on another couple’s mortgage. It’s their first home and the pride he feels in helping them achieve that dream makes his eyes shine. He has a huge heart and he always strives to help everyone who contacts him in any way he can. It’s how he approaches everything in life and it’s one of the things I love most about him.

Brendan sets steaming dishes onto the table. The sight of roasted asparagus, mushroom risotto, and chicken seasoned to perfection makes my stomach growl. I worked through lunch today, only eating half of my sandwich before my phone ringing off the hook stole my attention.

“This looks incredible, as always.” I smile at him, appreciating how he seems to just know when I need the comfort of my favorite dishes.

We eat silently, the scraping of the cutlery on our plates the only sound in the apartment. Brendan finishes, kissing the top of my head before disappearing into his office. It’s our routine. Friday nights he works, so I clean the kitchen and then find something on television to relax to.

Tonight, though, I wish we weren’t so predictable. How did we get to the point where we can share an entire meal and not say a word to each other? How does that happen?

Scooping some coffee into the machine, I finish wiping the counters and the stove while it percolates. Adding a splash of milk and the smallest amount of sugar, I take it into his office.

Running my fingers through the mess of curls, I brush his hair away from his forehead and set the coffee beside him. I watch him work a bit, playing with the soft strands of hair, wanting things to be different and not sure what to do. “Can that wait until tomorrow? Maybe we could watch a movie.”

Surprise flits across his face, replaced by an ecstatic smile. That look destroys me. After six years together, it’s easy to take him and what we have for granted. We’re at a level of comfort that easily becomes complacency and I don’t want us to become so complacent that every day is mundane.

“I would love that.” He sounds so eager, I promise myself to try a little harder and not take him for granted. Brendan starts closing programs. “Why don’t you go pick something to watch? Your choice.”

Turning, I head into the living room and load up a comedy while he finishes shutting down his computer. Tucking my legs up onto the couch, I wrap a blanket around myself and get cozy. Brendan sits on his side of the couch, looking longingly at the empty space beside me. Pushing play, I shift over and curl into him. I’m not typically into cuddling, but I feel the need for his warm comfort and, based on the look he’s giving me, he needs it too.

Brendan brushes my hair aside, kissing me on the cheek before holding me closer as the movie starts. We watch, wrapped in each other’s arms until the toll of the day finally takes me down.

Stirring as I’m lifted, I blink sleepily up at Brendan as he carries me to our room. Glancing at the clock on my nightstand, I’m surprised to see it’s after midnight. He sets me on my feet and I sleepily change into sweats and a tank top. I can feel Brendan’s eyes rove over me appreciatively as he strips down to his boxers.

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