Page 14 of Why Not Me?

I sigh. “Brendan likes everyone. He just wonders why we’re hanging out after what happened, he knows who you are and he knows about our history, I filled him in this morning. I told you, I’m not lying to him.” I move to slide into my car, but I’m suddenly pulled into the warmth of Landon’s arms, his massive size enfolding me. I hug him back, sinking into it before I drag myself away.

“Goodnight, Landon.”

Getting into my car, I shut the door without a word and start the engine. A breath whooshes out of me as I grip the steering wheel. Conflicting emotions wage war inside my chest the entire drive home.

Itwasunusual for Brendan to show up randomly, he’s never done that when I’ve been out with friends. It means he either felt I needed support, or he’s jealous for the first time in six years. Guilt sinks its vicious claws into me because I know that it would be my fault if jealousy drove the impromptu visit. I know that Brendan wouldn’t be jealous unless he felt our relationship, our happiness, was being threatened.

It’s been four days since Brendan showed up at the pub, four days since I saw Allie hug and kiss another man. In those four days, I haven’t been able to think about anything else. Watching them together was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. A small taste of what Allie went through with me and Melissa.

It was eye opening, the fact that she trusted me and dealt with my bullshit for nine months, I wouldn’t get away with that now. We were both so young, but the connection was real—is real—losing her was probably the biggest loss of my life.

I’ve felt short of breath from the moment he sat down and I still feel like I can’t get enough air. Seeing the live version as opposed to pictures online, it was complete torture.

It’s obvious he loves Allie, there’s no misreading the way he looks at her. And as much as it pains me to admit, she loves him back. There are years of time spent and affection built on their foundation, whereas we had nine months of intense falling.

A part of me was hoping he wasn’t good enough for her, that he didn’t appreciate her or was uninterested in the relationship. Scoffing, I shake my head. Only an idiot would have Allie and not appreciate her.

Melissa is laughing at something Tyler said, something I probably should’ve heard, but all I can focus on is Allie. Her hips sway to the music as she dances with her friends, her smile making my heart beat a little faster. I love her smile. It makes my day better every time I see it.

She hasn’t noticed me sitting with Melissa and our friends, she’s distracted by the music and how much fun she’s having. I should turn away, but I can’t find the will.

Someone kicks me under the table. Jerking my head over, I see Ty glaring at me.

He mouths, “Dude, what the hell are you doing?”

Shaking my head, I ignore him and scan the room in an attempt not to be so obvious. As my gaze glides over Allie, I meet her hazel eyes. Eyes that look sad as she glances at where Melissa is tucked right against me.

I recall the feeling of my stomach dropping when Allie turned her back to me, returning her attention to her friend and thinking,“I need to fix this soon or I’m going to lose her.”Wasn’t that the truth. Forcing my thoughts to the present, I switch the plastic bag I’m holding to my other hand, pull my phone from my pocket and scroll through the messages from my brothers.

Kellan:Where are you? I half-expected you to be on the couch with a pint of ice cream in hand with the amount of moping you’ve been doing.

Me:I’m finally returning those shoes. And I’m not moping.

Josh:You’re moping.

Rolling my eyes, I put my cell back in my pocket. They’re not wrong, I have been moping. I never stopped loving Allie, even when I was trying to make things work with Melissa, my heart was never in it. Allie’s held my heart since the moment we first shared a table in a crowded coffee shop. It doesn’t matter how many years have passed, I’ve never been able to let her go.

Part of me thought we would get our second chance when I literally ran into her, and now I’m stuck in the friend-zone, because I wasn’t lying, I will take her any way I can get her even though it’s painful.

I consider myself a level-headed guy. I don’t cling to things unnecessarily, moving on when things don’t work. With Allie though, I don’t know how to turn off these feelings and I honestly don’t think I want to.

Then I think about the future and what friendship with her means. I don’t know if I can watch her walk down the aisle to marry Brendan. Or watch her stomach swell with his child. I don’t know if I can reasonably meet someone with her in my life when I’m pining over the future I know would’ve been mine if I hadn’t ended things with her. It would have been mine. It should’ve been mine.

I was so damn stupid, and I know I was nineteen, but I shouldn’t have sacrificed a relationship with the woman I loved to make something work with a woman I didn’t. The moment my lips first touched Allie’s I should have ended things with Melissa.

Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda. Everything is clear in hindsight.

Growling, I leave the store. I’m so lost inside my own head that my entire time here at the mall is a blur. Running a hand through my hair, I shake my head, and plow right into the person in front of me.

“Shit, I’m sorry—Allie.” Her gorgeous hazel eyes peer up at me, looking bemused.

“You seem to have a habit of crashing into me.” She takes a step back, but her smile is friendly and unguarded. The only sign that she’s as impacted by how close we were is the dilation of her pupils.

“Apparently.” She smiles at the humor in my voice as we move aside so we’re not blocking people hustling around us. She looks beautiful, her hair in loose curls around her shoulders, her lips tilting in an easy smile.

“I had some last-minute gifts come up that I needed to buy, and so here I am. It was foolish to think I was done with my Christmas shopping. Would you like to join me?”

I finally notice the bags in her hands and reach out to take them from her as I nod.

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