Page 58 of Savage Beauty

I don’t need Sasha to have love in my life. I couldn’t successfully guard my heart, but I can protect my child, and from this moment onward, that’s my priority.

I check my phone one last time.Nothing.With a heavy heart, I switch it off and toss it to the bottom of my backpack.

I’ve made up my mind.

39

Sasha

It’s only been an hour and a half since the world as I knew it drove away in a black limousine. Already, it feels like eons have passed. When I look out the window, I half-expect to see a totally different view, as though the enormity of what’s happened should have permanently altered the whole planet. But of course, it’s only me that will never be the same again.

Vlad got the family out quickly, and Dulcie left, too; I heard her beseeching Vlad for an explanation, but he ignored her questions and hustled her out with everyone else. I remained in the study, unable to face the sight of them leaving. I couldn’t trust myself not to buckle under the weight of the pain and grab Josie, desperate to tell her the truth. I’d give anything to see the warmth in her eyes again, that secret smile that only I could draw from her.

The last time I saw her, she looked broken. Mortally wounded in a way I never knew was possible. I love her, but I didn’t believe she cared as much as I did. Why would she?

I didn’t want it to happen that way. It would have been better if I could have got Josie safely away from me without hurting her, but I couldn’t see how to do it. It had to be a scorched Earth approach; anything less, and she would have smelled a rat. Vlad will undoubtedly have told her the details by now.

Josie knows who I really am. What I’ve done. I hurt so many people and was instrumental in activities that destroyed lives. Lives like hers and her mom’s. What the fuck was my plan anyway? Did I believe I could keep that part of my life a secret forever?

I let Josie believe she was the one with a shameful past when she was a saint compared to me. She had no choice—she was achild, for fuck’s sake.

At least now, she will be okay. It will soon be common knowledge amongst the bratva that Sasha Kislev dumped his new wife like a sack of shit, and therefore, her stock as leverage will go right down. That, of course, is the whole point; she hates me, I have given the impression that I don’t give a fuck about her, and consequently, no one is likely to bother tracking her down. She’s worthless to my enemies if she’s worthless to me. Igor will spy on her for a while, but when things calm down, I’ll send her the paperwork and dissolve our marriage. After that, he won’t care what she does.

I throw back another vodka. I’d do anything to feel drunk, but it never happens, no matter how much I drink. Theotherthing I want would bring sweet, fucked-up oblivion in moments, but I won’t go there.

Our suite is as Josie left it. She threw a handful of things into a bag, but most of her stuff was still in the closet. Her pillow still bears the imprint of her head, and I hurl myself face-down onto it, breathing her in. My roar of impotent rage is muffled, and I roll onto my back, sinking my teeth into the flesh of my arm as I try to hold the tears back.

If I lose it now, I’ll tear myself to pieces with grief and fury. It’s no worse than I deserve.

I stumble to the bathroom and run the faucet, splashing my face with cold water. It runs off my chin onto the counter, and I run both palms through my hair as I look at my reflection.

Vlad asked it first, and I’m wondering, too.Who the fuck are you now?

I see something slightly blurry in the mirror and look at the corresponding spot on the counter. My legs almost buckle beneath me before my brain has fully comprehended what it is.

A pregnancy test. Apositivepregnancy test.

The next couple of minutes are a blur. I snatch up my phone and try Josie’s cell number, but it goes straight to voicemail. One by one, I hear the tinny recorded voices of my family members as they refuse to pick up my call.

“Fuck!” I yell, hurling my phone at the tile wall. I have a stronger arm than Josie; this time, it smashes to smithereens. Cursing aloud, I grab my keys and run down the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Josie is carrying my child. She came downstairs to tell me; that’s why she appeared in Vlad’s study when she did. If I’d have known sooner, it would have changed everything.

My enemies and rivals may not be interested in hurting my wife, but my heir is entirely different. Blood is blood in the bratva, and unclaimed children are a tremendous liability. Anyone who gets their greasy hands on a Kislev kid will have a hold over me, but it’s worse than that.

I don’t know if Josie intends to keep the baby, but if she does, Igor will get wind of it, and then she will be in grave danger. He thinks I killed his son, so if he murdered my pregnant wife, it would be an eye for an eye and ensure that I was truly cowed forever.

I can’t ask her to stay with me; that would lead to the same outcome as soon as her belly began to swell. But she can’t stay with my family either. As much as it hurts, I gotta tell her to run as far as she can from me and mine before my world bleeds her dry.

Words stream out of my mouth that I haven’t thought about in years; I don’t speak Italian often, but my Mama’s prayer rolls effortlessly off my tongue.

“Dio, tieni il mio amore tra le tue mani e perdonami.”

God, hold my love in your hands and forgive me.

* * *

I run like the Devil himself is at my heels. The polished floor is slippery, and I struggle to keep footing as I sprint for the private charter lounge.

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