Page 20 of Before Forever

As I drove, my thoughts shifted but not away from Rebecca entirely. It was like she was talking to me, trying to guide me through all of this. I always had that strange feeling when things popped into my head out of nowhere, as if they came from someone outside of me.

I knew Rebecca would want me to be happy, but moving on was easier said than done. How could you just give up on a whole life you used to see laid out before you? A happy one, at that. One that was just snatched away so suddenly. I wasn’t ready to let go of that life we were all supposed to have together as a family. I couldn’t even picture what it would look like to bring someone else into my life in the place where Rebecca used to be, into Em’s life. And the fear of doing that only for us to lose it all over again if anything should ever happen. It left me paralyzed. Em and I could never bear it. We had been through too much, and the risk was too great.

The kids were out in the yard on the school playground when I pulled up. I waved to Em on my way past the fence. In return, I got five enthusiastic waves from the younger, single teachers gathered around to supervise the children.

Thankfully Em’s teacher, Mrs. Gardner, wasn’t one of the young ones. But the older women in town had their own pitfalls for me and my situation. Like my neighbor Cindy, they were the ones who insisted on having us over for dinner, which always turned into a thinly veiled attempt to set me up with someone.

Mrs. Gardner was sitting behind her desk, waiting for me. I walked in and smiled at the sight of the classroom all lit up with sunbeams shining in through the windows with brightly colored drawings and posters hanging across the walls. It looked like a happy, safe place, and it made me feel better to know that was where Em got to spend her days.

“Derek! How are you? Come in and have a seat.”

“Sorry, I’m a little late. I was just coming from a job over in Mullins Cove.”

She waved it off. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I know it must be stressful to juggle everything, Em, work, the house.” She shook her head with a pitying smile. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“Well, you know, the funny thing is there are plenty of women around town who have been doing it better than I have for years now, and I’ve noticed no one ever seems to say the same to them. I wonder how they feel about that,” I smirked.

“Mullins Cove, you said?” She completely breezed over my remark. “Will you be working on Mrs. Hart’s old place?”

“That’s right,” I nodded. “Is everything alright? With Em, I mean.”

“Oh, yes. Everything is just fine,” she assured me. “This is just the routine parent-teacher conference for the start of the year to let parents know how their children are doing so far in the new school year and to get everyone on the same page. I scheduled one for all of the students’ parents. Em is a delight, as I’m sure you know. All the other kids and teachers just adore her. She’s well-behaved, a little on the quiet side, but very sweet. Her grades are excellent.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear it.” My shoulders slumped with a breath of relief.

It became clear there was meant to be a ‘but’ at the end of her spiel. Her eyebrows drew together, and she tilted her head, staring back at me intently. She opened her mouth, but her words stopped with a reluctant pause.

“What is it?” I asked, my heart starting to pound.

“It’s no problem at all,” she assured me, not clarifying what exactly “it” was at first. “Really. You know the teachers and I all love Em like she’s one of our own, and around here, everyone’s like family.”

“Okay,” I shifted in my chair, wishing she’d just spit it out already.

“I did think you should know, however, that Emily does have a tendency to be clingy with the younger teachers. She often prefers to sit with them at lunch or recess instead of playing with the other kids.”

I thought back to my walk up to the school when I had noticed Em was sitting on a bench with one of the teachers rather than running around to play with the others, but she looked happy, so I didn’t think much of it.

“Ms. Johnson is one of her favorites. She would hold that woman’s hand and follow her everywhere she went if we let her,” Mrs. Gardner laughed.

I smiled through my concern, trying to place which one was Ms. Johnson in my mind. It made more sense when the memory of what she looked like came to me. She had long hair, just like Rebecca’s.

“We think she gravitates towards the teachers that remind her of….”

“Her mom. I get it. But you said it’s not a problem?”

“No, I wouldn’t call it a problem,” she admitted. “But I thought you should know. In case you’d like to talk to her doctor about it or something. Maybe they can recommend someone for Em to talk to. Aside from that, does she have any maternal figures in her life? Any women around for her to look up to outside of the school? Perhaps an aunt or close friend of yours?”

Our mom passed away a few years ago, and Em’s grandparents on her mom’s side lived in Colorado. They came to see Em for Christmas the first year after Rebecca was gone but hadn’t been back since. The memories were too painful for them. They sent birthday and Christmas gifts through the mail now and suggested that Em come stay the summers with them once she got a little older.

“No,” I replied.

“Well…something to think about,” she smiled politely.

“I’ll do that,” I huffed before standing up to thank her and shake her hand.

It was only an hour until the bell rang, so I decided to sign Em out early and take her for ice cream. She chattered in excitement about her school’s play and everything else that happened that day.

As she talked, I considered what Mrs. Gardner had said about Em clinging to some of the teachers. I wished I could take away that longing for her, but I could never fill that hole in her heart that belonged to her mother. Though it did make me wonder if, to Em, that hole could be filled at least in part with any kind of mother figure, like her teacher suggested, like my own brother had even mentioned.

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