Page 20 of Lavender Moon

Keeping her means letting her see all the ugly parts of me; telling her how I live my life this way because I grew up thinking I wasn’t worth anything better. I would have to let her see all of it. She wouldn’t care about it one iota, but she’d still see it.

And she’d still be my Luna.

Fuck.

I need to get to her. She came into my life when we were ten, and she does not get to leave. I can’t let her.

I jump to my feet and make quick strides towards my bike, chucking my coffee in a nearby waste can along the way. Hopping on, I fire up the engine and tear off back onto the road, the engine puttering furiously as I go. The cold breeze on my face only drives the sentiment home. I can’t be without her. She’s worth all of it, even admitting I was the dickhead of the century last night and begging forgiveness.

We’ll keep going, her and me. We’ll take this thing as far as it will go, even if we have to do it miles apart for a while… shit…

I never gave her my address in South Carolina, and I didn’t get her dorm info. I don’t have her phone number – Jesus!

I rev the engine, picking up speed, barreling my way back as fast as I can.

Dust kicks up as I finally turn down the dirt road that eventually opens up to the main building of the camp, and I feel panic rise in my chest; my heart pumping overtime when I see very few vehicles remaining.

Yanking my Colts hat out of my back pocket, I slip it over my windblown hair and hightail it to Luna’s cabin. Tromping up the steps, I yank the screen door open to find it barren.

I feel my heart plummet into my stomach, along with the disheartened breath I blow out. It sits there and turns to ice as I descend the front steps and feebly look around my immediate surroundings, knowing damn well I’m too late. There’s no glimpse of her anywhere.

“Dammit!” I roar, as I rip off my hat and kick at the dirt.

She’s gone. I fucked everything up, I’m too late.

Feeling uncontrolled self-anger and infuriating despair, I dash back over to the parking lot, checking one more time that her black little Mazda is really gone.

My body feels the defeat and I start to feel it give out as I walk back towards the counselors’ main cabin, needing one small dose of her, one last time.

I find the spot on the back corner that no one knows about except those that were there that day. I find Luna’s name, still there, undisturbed, in tiny letters. I run my finger tip over them, closing my eyes and letting myself go back to that moment when it was just she and I standing here, and how now I’m here again – alone.

Reaching for my belt, I unclip my pocket knife and extend the blade.

Then, with all the feelings that terrorize my mind, body, and soul, I start carving and slicing at the old weathered wood.

8

KALEB

“Call the house or the shop when you’re able,” Pops orders in his endearing rumble as I hand my rucksack over to the airline attendant for checking.

“I got it, Pops,” says not me, but Alex, my best high school friend, or I guess I should now say my only best friend. We went with the whole Buddy Program route when we enlisted so we get to go to Basic and Advanced Institute training together. “I’m making sure this asshole actually gets a phone when we land.” He shoulder bumps me and I return it with a headshake and a well patented eye roll.

Pops grabs the bill of his hat and rubs the back of his gnarled hand against his forehead before replacing it.

“How’s Moon Girl?” he asks, referring to my summer with Luna.

I shake my head, trying not to meet his eyes. “We’re growing in separate directions,” I say and try to give a shrug. “She just wasn’t the one.”

I jam my hands in my pockets and finally look up to find an expression I can’t decipher as exceptionally sour or just his usual resting grouch face. “What?” I raise my shoulders defensively.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he deadpans.

“I know.”

“I mean it, I’m going to kick your ass when you get home.”

“Yes, sir,” I acknowledge firmly as he extends an arm, pulling me in for a hug.

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