Page 15 of Lavender Moon

As I unscrew the cap and bring the bottle up to my lips I hear Luna’s voice, so soft, but cutting through the thick silence. “You brought… that too?” she asks as I take a hearty pull, shrugging as I tip the bottle back. Where I’m from, there’s seriously nothing to do but hang out in my buddy, Alex’s, garage, catching a good buzz while shooting the shit. Having no one around to stop us made it even less of a big deal.

I swallow down the strong liquid, letting it burn like fire down my throat to my gut, and take utter relief in the way it torches the cold nerves. “It’s just Jack Daniels, Lu,” I dismissively sigh out, enjoying the after taste on my tongue as I return the whiskey and crack open the beer I pulled out, taking a hearty swig. Grabbing a drink for Luna, I hand it to her as I join her on the mattress.

I lie down close to her and feel a twinge of warm relief when she curls her body towards mine, and I rest a hand on her bare thigh. She looks down at my thumb as it skims back and forth on her smooth skin.

When I feel a substantial amount of nerves lift away from my orbit, and a thin veil of fuzziness settles over my mind, I’m finally ready to test the waters.

“What’s going on Lu?” I grumble softly, deciding I could already do with another long pull of my beer. I want to know what she’s thinking. Obviously we just crossed a line we never have before, and I want to know how she feels about it. No one, including us, ever said we couldn’t cross it, but all the same, we hadn’t before tonight.

“Mmm?” She barely reacts, tilting her head an inch in my direction, her eyes still fixated on my hand on her thigh.

“Come on,” I give her leg a gentle shake, trying to bring her out of wherever she’s hiding, and her shoulders draw up, stiffening.

“I’m just,” she pauses, closing her eyes as if searching for something behind them. “I’m just feeling so many different things at once, and I can’t keep up.”

“Like what?”

Her lips press together as her eyes get glassy; the flames of the fire dancing in their reflection. “I’m scared to talk about it. There, that’s one thing,” she huffs apathetically and drops her head back, looking up at the dark blue of the sky while she tries to blink away the moisture.

“Just tell me, baby,” I prod, turning more towards her. “I mean, come on, it’s me.”

Lowering her head, she blows out a long breath between pursed lips. “I can’t,” she whispers, closing her eyes.

“Why the hell can’t you?” I tilt my head, and try to check my tone. I’m feeling frustration starting to simmer up in my blood, but that won’t get me anywhere here, and the sooner we get past this awkwardness, the better.

“Because I don’t want us to change, and I feel stuck, right here in this moment, afraid to move!” Her voice rises along with mine as she sits up straighter.

“We’re fine, Luna,” I huff out, starting to get exasperated as I feel the comfortable haze I was in start to thin. I roll my legs off the mattress and stand to go for the whiskey again. Things with Luna have always been so easy; natural. Now here I am, needing shots to get through this conversation. I don’t like what’s happening.

“Something happened between us tonight, K. And I want to know how you feel about it.”

I tip the whiskey bottle back and take a big glug before recapping it. “Why?” I respond on the exhale. She and I have never addressed anything deep, involving me, anyway. I always just kind of assumed she understood that wasn’t really something I did easily and was leaving it be. Then again, this is something that involves her too. Still, it doesn’t keep me from squirming at the idea of exposing what I like to keep on the inside.

“Because I never know where you’re at.” The frustration in her voice is prominent, even after that second shot.

“The fuck you talking about? I’m right here, Lu.” I crawl back onto the bed towards her, but the face she gives me when she looks up at me tells me she’s not fucking around.

“I mean in your head, Kaleb; your feelings.”

“Lu,” I huff out a heavy sigh, weighted by all the discomfort I’m trying to clear out of the air between us, but it’s like bailing water out of a leaking boat with a thimble at this point. “You should know how I feel, we’ve known each other since we were ten.”

“And that whole time, you’ve been hiding from me,” she murmurs, the notes of discord in her voice growing louder.

I pause a second, narrowing my eyes as if I’m seeing someone different all of a sudden. “Where the hell did that come from?”

“A lot’s changed since we first walked out here, Kaleb,” her eyes cautiously lift to mine. “And I can only read body language and vibes to a certain point before I need you to talk to me. I don’t know how to act with you right now, or where we’re going after tonight –”

“Well then talk to me. Tell me how you feel,” I urge her.

“See? You’re doing it right now!” She lifts a finger to me and I don’t like it one bit. It’s like having the spotlight on me. “You won’t answer or address what I’m saying. Instead, you turn it back over to me!”

I grab onto her finger, my own wrapping securely around it as I open my mouth to spew out a witty comeback when the alcohol clears a space for a hit of reality. That’s exactly what I’m doing. Fuck.

We sit there, staring each other down, neither one of us wanting to be the next one to speak… until she finally does, albeit in a whisper. “Why do you never choose truth?”

“How come you never pick dare?” I challenge, setting my jaw.

Her beautiful pink lips part, and she looks out at the inky lake as if it will give her an answer.

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