Page 104 of Lavender Moon

“Then I probably shouldn’t either,” he responds sternly, and he must see the trepidation on my face because he’s quick to add, “I went there, Kaleb. She wasn’t there alone,” he assures me, and I close my eyes with only partial relief.

“I’m glad you were there when I couldn’t be.” My voice shakes slightly and I clench my hands between my knees and straighten my spine, trying to feel big against the demons. “But if she’d told me, I would’ve found a way.”

“I know you would’ve,” he nods, this time looking straight at me so I can see his conviction. “And in my opinion, she should’ve told you, but she was hell-bent on protecting you.”

I give an annoyed guffaw as I shake my head, irritated as ever that Luna felt the need to shield me once again. “She’s always doing that, and I wish, just once, she’d let me do that for her,” I voice out loud, pushing myself up off the steps just because I need to move. When I notice Ben looking curiously from his perch on the steps, I wave a hand in explanation. “I’m not… blaming her, I just… I feel like I could’ve possibly gotten better a little sooner if she’d just let me in; let me be there for her.”

I see his eyes darken as they seem to space out, and he flexes his fists in front of him, locking them together.

“What did he do to her, Ben?” I ask, past the point of caring how I’m being received. I’m pretty sure he and I are officially in the same vessel now.

He just shakes his head, still staring forward as his eyes get glassy. “It’s not something she wants you to know, Kaleb. She just wants to move on.”

“And you?” I ask him, gripping at the back of my neck. “What do you want? As her father?”

He doesn’t answer me as he sets his jaw and then draws in a long breath before looking down at his hands.

“Ben,” I level with him, staring hard. “I need toknow,” I slowly grind out, putting stress on that particular word.

“Why, Kaleb?” he asks, lifting his head slowly to regard me. “Tell me why you need to know.”

There’s an undercurrent in his words; a hidden message. His eyes are connected with mine, willing me to come up with the right answer because he wants to tell me… But I can’t tell him why. I won’t put my wife’s father or his medical license in jeopardy by making him a party to what I intend to do. I, on the other hand, have nothing left to lose.

Instead of supplying him with an answer, I maintain our eye contact and slowly move my head from side to side.

His gaze holds mine right back before he very slowly nods.

We have an understanding…

45

LUNA

Ishould’ve gone back to bed after Kaleb’s appearance. Because after that, my day was pretty much shot to shit. But because I’m trying not to be that girl, I went to my classes, which he made me late for, couldn’t pay attention to save my life, had to scrap two of the projects I was working on and start over…

Kaleb drove out here and fought for me, and it touched my heart in a way I didn’t know I could ever feel. But I thought we were good again before, and being handed those papers out of the blue devastated me; the kind of cold, hollowed out, will never love again devastation. I don’t even know how I survived it.

Now, I slam my car door shut and lazily drape my bag over my shoulder. I trudge down the sidewalk that winds between the apartment buildings as the evening sun glows orange behind the trees.

Once on the second floor of building C and inside Cassidy’s apartment, I make a beeline for the bedroom to change into comfies. I’m just pouring myself a bowl of cereal for dinner when there’s an upbeat knock at the door, one I’m familiar with.

No way…

I scurry around the kitchen island, trying not to trip on my baggy plaid pajama pants and fling open the door to find my beautiful mother, dressed not too far off from how I am. She’s in damage control mode, and her arms immediately open for me to walk into them. No words need to be spoken, at least for this moment, as I let her just hold me, making me feel safe enough to let out a nice decompressive sigh. I wasn’t expecting her, but then again, I’m not surprised, and I don’t need to ask what she’s doing here.

When she pulls back, she gives me a tight smile that I also know well. It’s the one that saysSmile… we’re going to smile and get through this.

Is it the best way to go about things? Maybe not, but it’s also not the worst, and I’m all for not falling down the rabbit hole of darkness and despair. Besides, it’s just until we get me to a good enough place to talk things out where the risk of that is minimal. I give her a matching smile back that makes us both lightly giggle before I get the ever-living shit startled out of me.

“Tah-dah!” My brother Matty pounces into the hallway, landing in a dance stance with his arms spread wide in presentation. His big, round eyes are wide with the glee that matches his shit-eating grin, that turns to mock fright when I advance on him.

“Oh my God, don’t do that, you little shit!” I yell at him, leaning in. I’m glad to see my baby bro, but I hate being startled, and my aggravation is trying to stifle the joy. “What did you have to bring him for?” I ask in faux annoyance that I know my brother can recognize as I turn to my mom. “And why is his hair blue?” I add, nodding at Matty’s new spiky do that boasts a bright shade of cobalt.

“For this very reason,” she responds calmy to my first question. “You’re too flustered and annoyed to be sad. As for his hair color, he came to me and said he wanted to express himself like you…” she reaches for a strand of my hair and presses her lips together when she finds no hint of purple. “... used to. Anyway,” she drops my hair and reaches down for the weekend bag I didn’t notice at her feet. “It’s the weekend, and we’re here to spend some quality time with you, baby. Now show us where Cassidy keeps the takeout menus and let’s cue up some action movies.”

* * *

Kaleb

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