Page 108 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

The ride wasn’t moving, and Noah wasn’t speaking. It was unbearable.

“You don’t feel the same about me,” I said. “And as much as it hurts, I understand. I have no choice but to respect that. You can’t force someone to feel a certain way about you. But now you have to respect my decision.” I took his arm and brushed it off my shoulder. “I want to move back to New York. I can’t be around you. It hurts too much.”

“Aria, please …” Panic suddenly fled into his face.

“Noah, stop. You have to try and understand my feelings. I can’t love you the way a normal daughter does. I want more.”

“Sweetheart, don’t do this. Let’s give counseling a shot with an open mind. I just—”

“No! Don’t you understand? Can’t you see how it kills me to know that I can never have you? You’re constantly around me, in my space, and every time you’re there, all I can think about is …” I wavered, not wanting to go into detail about my fantasies. “Wanting more,” I finally expressed.

Tears streaked down my cheeks, but I didn’t wipe them away. I needed something to hold on to, something to keep me from slipping into a comatose state of delusions in my mind. The metal bar served its purpose as I grabbed on to it.

Why won’t this fucking ride move? I want to get off!I screamed in my head.

My heart was broken. Absolutely shattered. Never in my life had I felt as vulnerable as I did in that moment, in every way possible. How cruel it was that we were suddenly stuck in the air, leaving me with no route of escape. All this time I’d been afraid he would run, yet that’s all I was desperate to do right there and then—to run like hell.

“I don’t want to lose you again. Please don’t move back to New York,” he pleaded.

I sniffled and blinked back more tears. “I can’t stay here with you while I feel this way about you. I know it’s wrong, and you probably find me disgusting.”

“No, don’t say that.” His tone was sincere. “I don’t think that way about you.”

Noah looked hurt, as if I had injured him by saying cruel things about myself. Despite his compassion, it brought me no comfort. I felt so broken and dejected, with my heart laying on the floor, bleeding out. It was tempting to lift up that handlebar and plummet to my death.

But he wasn’t done. “I won’t let you go back and live with that asshole!” There it was, that burning fury in his eyes.

“You don’t have to worry—I plan to live on my own very soon.”

Come on, move! For Christ’s sake, move! Please just move this freaking ride!I felt like such a fucking joke.

The tears kept on flowing as I accepted my fate and made peace with the fact that we weren’t going to reach the bottom any time soon. That calm ocean had turned into turbulent waters, reflecting pain, worry, and panic, while I drowned in him.

“Tell me what I have to do to change your mind. Please, Aria, don’t leave me like this, not after everything …” He brushed a hesitant hand against my cheek and wiped away my wet mascara. But his affection only caused more pain inside, and I withdrew, rejecting the warmth and comfort of his touch.

Why did he even care so much? He should have been relieved that I was choosing to leave. I felt like a force of nature, an F6 tornado that would run down a town and disappear, leaving nothing but death and destruction.

“You don’t understand. You really don’t.” Every single wall I had reinforced around myself crumbled to the ground. I was left feeling excruciatingly exposed once again. “Loving you this way hurts.” Tears clouded my vision. “It feels like … a waterfall of pain pouring inside me.” That was the only simile I could think of.

“Aria,” he breathed, reaching for my hand. But I automatically pulled away. I was hurt, and angry at myself because I couldn’t bear to face the devastation I had caused in his eyes.

“You possess me.” I struggled to get the words out as I stifled my sobbing. “You’re my greatest strength, and my biggest weakness at the same time. My mind keeps telling me that I should hate you, and yet, my every emotion is controlled by the look in your eyes, and it makes me feel so powerless and … and …” I stammered, my chest getting heavier as I began to cry.

The wounds that I was inflicting on him only made me feel a hundred times worse. I realized that he must have pitied me. It was written all over his face.

Noah’s digital watch suddenly beeped twice when he tucked my hair behind my ear, which let me know that it was officially midnight, and I was officially eighteen. Not that I cared. I honestly wanted to die right there.

The song had approached its climactic bridge, and all I could do was shrink a little inside. “I hate myself. I wish I was never born.”

“Don’t say that.” Noah leaned forward and held my face in his hands. He slid his fingers through my hair so that his thumbs were resting right against the curve of my jawline. “I won’t lose you again, Aria.” There was an agonizing vulnerability in his voice. “Do you understand me? I won’t!”

Had God decided on a sudden twist of fate? Because the next thing I felt was Noah’s lips crashing down against mine. I wasn’t on that ride anymore. I was free falling at a hundred miles per hour, feeling the wind blast through my hair. The music reverberated in my ears, filling my heart with hope that tonight was meant to be, that it was destiny. I was so lost in the euphoria of his lips that I hadn’t realized the wheel had finally started to move in a full rotation. It was as if his kiss was all it took to make everything right and orderly in the world. The ride was moving fast, whipping my hair all around me as he breathed against my lips, parting them with a tug. It was lips, teeth, and tongue in full collision.

I let myself relax and surrendered to the inferno that blazed around his body, scorching my skin, consuming me whole. The Ferris wheel turned, taking us quickly back up to the sky. My spirit was soaring to places it had never traveled before. Noah’s kiss was full of passion and need, gentle yet intense. He swept his lower lip over mine, tugging it back and releasing as it bounced in place. I drew in breath and covered his hands with my own to steady his trembling fingers. I kissed him back with everything I had, like he was the only man I would ever kiss in this world. My heart was accelerating so fast that I was sure it was going to burst from happiness.

Overwhelmed by a tidal wave of emotion, I swore I wouldn’t pull back from his lips, not even for a second. I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. Instead, I let all the feelings wash over me. The dominance that Noah naturally commanded made me want to submit to him in every way possible. His tentative hands tangled in my hair, pulling me closer, as the slightest moan escaped from my lips. The Ferris wheel went down fast in a third rotation, wildly whipping my hair. Noah rolled his tongue over my lips, willing them to open for him once more before slipping inside and teasing the tip of my tongue with his. He was exploring my mouth with newfound confidence. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I was afraid that this would all turn out to be a dream, and this amazing moment would disappear like the magic of smoke and mirrors, or the illusion of a desert oasis that would turn out to be a mirage. If it wasn’t for the risk of falling over, I would have shifted onto to his lap already, but the guard rail was preventing us from moving any closer. I just needed and desired so much more.

There was danger, of course. A danger that we would be seen every time our passenger car passed onlookers below. But we were so lost in each other that the risk of getting caught didn’t even matter anymore. This was so much better than I had imagined, so much better than I had dreamed. A brilliant heat exploded from Noah’s lips as I grew bolder and bit his bottom lip, sucking it back before releasing it again. He groaned and it only aroused me more.

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