Page 113 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

He paused and looked back at me.

“I know you’re married, and I know Vanessa’s your wife, but …” I hesitated. “Please don’t—”

“I won’t.” His smile was reassuring. “Get some sleep.”

I hoped he knew what I was requesting from him. The withdrawal symptoms were getting to me, and he still wasn’t out the door yet. But my heart fluttered to life when Noah turned around quickly and took my face in his hands. He kissed me long and deep before he finally released me from his euphoric paradise.

“I love you, Aria,” he whispered, his fingers slowly slipping away.

I stood there alone, breathing hard, desperately trying to recover from the indescribable feelings that overwhelmed me when he poured every ounce of his passion in my lips. I knew sleep wouldn’t come any time soon.

My grandmother had lectured me once about “self-pleasure.” She said that it was a huge sin, and that anyone who did it would go to Hell if they didn’t repent. But what about me? Never mind the fact that my hormones were going all haywire, or the fact that whenever I lay down on my bed, my fingers had every intention of stimulating that part of me that Noah couldn’t … What kind of sinner was I? I wasn’t thinking about some hunky actor when I slipped my hand down my panties. I was fantasizing about Noah. Could God ever forgive my wicked ways, even if I did repent? The questions were making me crazy.

I kept replaying the way Noah’s body ground against mine, feeling his length throbbing against me. I had no choice but to bite down on my arm to mute my moans as I took myself over the edge. I was drowning in erotic memories that fell like invisible photographs from my ceiling, covering me from head to toe.

A contented sigh escaped my lips as soon as I achieved sweet release. My hand went limp, and all my muscles relaxed before I slowly drifted off to sleep. I dreamed of Noah making love to me, and it felt so real.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

noah

My mind was reeling, my heart was racing, and I had the most painful case of morning wood. I sat up, slightly disoriented, my eyes slowly adjusting to the blinding light that had flooded around me. I’d been dreaming about her …again. After leaving Aria’s bedroom, I’d ventured downstairs and locked myself in my study, crashing on the most uncomfortable leather sofa in our entire house—and yeah, it just so happened to be inmyhome office. Vanessa had purchased this atrocious piece of furniture, completely disregarding the comfort level that I told her I needed. Women … always prioritizing aesthetics over comfort, like when they walk in a pair of six-inch heels for eight hours straight. The shoes will have murdered their feet by the end of the day, but apparently it’s worth all the pain. It was moments like this that I truly appreciated identifying as an average heterosexual male.

I felt weird today, like I was outside my body looking in or something. Everything that had happened the night before felt like a dream, but my reality begged to differ. Doctor Grey’s advice had gone out the window the moment I’d surrendered and returned Aria’s affections. To be honest, I’d panicked pretty badly when she told me she wanted to move back to New York. Kissing her on that ride had been impulsive. It had been foolish on my part. Nothing could have prepared me for the feelings that came rushing right after. No matter how much therapy I might have received, I’m sure it all would have been forgotten once I inevitably kissed her.

I was like a recovering addict who was regretfully relapsing. Aria was the most dangerous drug I had ever experimented with, and I should have known better than to rekindle my love affair with drugs, because that’s what it felt like to kiss her. It was as if her lips were injecting this hallucinogenic substance right into my bloodstream, triggering an instant rush of euphoria and sending me on an amazing high that I didn’t want to come down from. I felt so fucking guilty. I had kissed many women, and no one had ever made me feel the way she did. It fucking blew my mind.

What did you do, Noah? You cheated on your wife last night. You broke the law. You committed an unforgivable sin, and you don’t even plan to stop!

My conscience shook its head at me in disappointment as I proceeded to argue my case like I was being prosecuted in a mock trial. I did plan to stop. In fact, Ihadstopped things from escalating to the point of no return. Aria and I had got physical with one another, but I blamed only myself. I was the adult, after all—I should have stayed away. Honestly, I had planned just to walk into the kitchen last night, grab a glass of water, and return to my study to sleep. But for some reason, my feet had led me down the hall, straight to her bedroom, and I couldn’t turn around. My mind screamed “no!” but my body won the battle.

I had no idea what I was going to do now. Maybe it wasn’t too late to atone for my sins. I was sure Doctor Grey would have a few choice words for me when I visited him again.

How did my life get so fucking complicated? Maybe this is my punishment for not being in Aria’s life when she was younger. I’ve sexually imprinted on my daughter, and now I’m suffering eternal torture because I’m not able to stop these feelings or make these fantasies go away.I agonizingly sorted through my thoughts.

It had killed me to see her cry while we were on that Ferris wheel. But I admired her bravery to place herself in such a vulnerable position. I would never have been able to express my feelings for her so honestly. I couldn’t handle breaking her heart. I had already broken too many hearts since I could remember. No one, not even my wife, had the ability to influence my emotions the way Aria did. My intention was to stay rational and in control, but I couldn’t live with the fact that I was shattering her to pieces. The fear of losing her was the kind of reality I never wanted to experience, which was why I decided to jeopardize my marriage, my morals, and my role as a father in her life.

I had told Grey in confidence that I would never touch Aria. Yet last night, I’d almost had sex with her. This wasn’t right. I was destroying her and myself both. If we continued carrying on this way, it was going to screw us up and hurt a lot of people in the long run. There had to be a way to convince her to get counseling with me. I couldn’t give up hope. How could I stick to my guns without losing her? She’d made it very clear that she couldn’t love me the way a daughter does, and I had clearly failed at rejecting her. What did that even mean?

Am I in love with her too? Is it just attraction I’m feeling?I didn’t want to think. I wanted to turn off the thoughts in my head, get high, and tune out the world. All right, I knew I couldn’t get high, but maybe I should have taken up smoking again. I needed another addiction before I became addicted toher. This wasn’t healthy. It was dangerous.

****

No one else was awake yet as I made my way upstairs. It was a quarter after eight, and my wife was still sleeping when I walked into our bedroom. I had the option of going back to sleep or showering and getting out of the house to clear my head. I went with option number two.

It felt nice to stand under the hot water for some minutes while the steam surrounded me like fog. My back was still sore from sleeping on that pathetic excuse for a sofa, but I’d live. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of pressurized water hitting the marble tiles beneath my feet. I was considering all the options of how to spend my day when I suddenly remembered the dinner party Vanessa was hosting for Aria’s birthday and Ryan was coming over. My decision was made: I had ignorantly decided that I didn’t like the guy. There was something about him that rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t trust him for a second to be alone with my daughter. I didn’t trustanyguy being alone with her. At this point, I didn’t even trust myself.

I’m going to hell for this, Aria.

I’ll be right there with you …

Her voice echoed in my ears as a vivid image materialized before me: my body sinking into hers. I was disturbingly aroused just by thinking about her.

Great. How the hell am I going to function today?I knew I’d be more sexually frustrated if I didn’t take care of the problem right then and there. Self-gratification was tempting, but I resisted temptation and tried to cleanse my thoughts of any graphic image that jumped at me; Aria’s lips, her body against mine … It was all so stimulating.

Don’t you want to know what it’s like to penetrate my …

I played back what she said word for word, and it sounded so wrong. Yet my body reacted in the most disturbing way, triggered by the dirty talk. I turned around, facing the tiles, resting both palms against the surface. The water poured over me while I fought the urge to relieve myself, but myproblemwouldn’t go down. Now was probably a good time to twist the shower knob to freezing cold.

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