Page 204 of Grand Love

Epilogue

Nina

Two years later.

I walk down the corridor,following the nurse as she leads me into the hospital room.

My mother was admitted late last night and I had the phone call in the early hours of this morning to say she’d been taken unwell at the prison and was in accident and emergency. I rolled my eyes at the time. We’d just started to find our new normal at the house, and I really didn’t want her bringing back everything we vowed to leave behind us.

And then the lady on the phone told me she was on life support. My world all but stood still, although I had Mason at my side to keep me moving.

I don’t know why my mother ran, or why she left me dying on the ground. But I know that I made a promise to myself years ago that I would be with her when the time came.

And I will be.

My stubborn husband didn’t support my decision, refusing to come with me, and I respect him for it. He won’t ever forgive her for what she did to me.

Stepping into the room, the nurse places a hand on my back. “Take your time, and if you need anything you just ask, okay?”

“Thank you,” I tell her.

She leaves the room, shutting the door gently on her way out. I walk attentively to my mother’s bedside and look down at her, my eyes spaced and fixed on her rising chest.

I stand in silence for the longest time, just watching her.

“You once told me that I needed you more than you needed me.” I lower to the chair, letting my gaze move up to her gaunt face. She’s barely the woman I once knew. “I never believed you. You would’ve let me go all those times social services got involved if that was the case. You wanted me to stay. You fought for me—lied to keep me.” I run my tongue over my teeth. “I don’t know what happened to make you the way that you are, Mum, but what I do know is that nobody is born bad. I’m sorry that life wasn’t always fair to you, and I’m sorry I don’t have more forgiveness, that I don’t feel the things I probably should right now.” I swallow, rolling my lips as I take another breath in, hoping it gives me the strength I need. “But I won’t leave you like you left me, because that’s not who I am.” I quickly grasp her hand in mine before I can change my mind. “I’m not you.”

I will never be you.

A little while later, I call for the nurse and ask her to turn off the life support machine. My mother drifts away, peacefully, moments later and I allow the pain that wracks through me to hit.

Then I leave.

We’re taught from such a young age to deal with pain. From the griping pain in our stomachs as babies to dusting off our knees as toddlers. Growing up, I ran whenever life got hard. I never dealt with the hurt.

Over time, I’ve learnt to let the pain in. Because the quicker I let it hit, the quicker it fades.

Pain is a part of life. We will grow with our pain. So, we have to let it in. Let it bring the darkness and fear, and then when it’s too tired to live within us anymore, let it go—quietly. Refuse to give it the voice it wants by enabling it to stay with us for longer than it deserves. Because when we do let it go, coming up from the pits of darkness to find the bad not really as bad as we first thought, we realise that all the pain wasn't actually pain, it was a lesson that needed to be lived, so that we can move on and be better in the now.

* * *

The house isempty when I arrive home, but it doesn’t take me long to find them. I look out from the terrace, smiling at the small figures I see out on the hilltop. Being in the condition I’m in, I round the house and go to the garage, sliding into Anthony’s golf buggy with a wide grin on my face.

I don’t spoil the flowers like he did, choosing to slowly walk my way through the meadow once I reach the gates. Ellis runs to me as I approach, and I scoop him up and place him on my hip. He’s almost three now and growing into a mini-Mason by the day. “Mummy is home!”

“Hey, Ellis baby.”

“I not a baby. I a big boy.”

Mason pulls me by the waist and into him, placing a long deep kiss on my lips. “Hello, my beautiful wife.”

“Hi.”

He squints his eyes at me, asking me if I’m okay without saying the words.

I nod, looking down as his hand sprawls out across my growing stomach. A sharp kick has it jolting, and Mason’s eyes shoot wide at the same time I ask, “Did you feel that?!”

“Fuck yes!”

---