Page 102 of Live To Tell

A familiar energy shudders through Rowan, his eyes switching to those darker ones I’ve begun to recognize. “You’re coming to me when I’m shadowed, Violet. That’s pulled you to me.”

I place a hand on his chest, Rowan’s heart beating faster against my palm. “No, I’m coming to you because I want you to hear this. You are not just someone I use. I do not only see you as my bonded witch, and I hate that you hold back who you are. From the first day, what’s in you recognized what’s in me. And I saw him tonight. The one you hide. The Rowan that Violet wants. The equal.” I tiptoe to meet him eye to eye. “You want all of me? To take the risk from what our union would mean? Here I am. I want the same but if I share all of myself with you, this will change everything.”

“Yeah. That’s normally what happens,” he says, voice hoarser.

“I don’t think normal applies here. You’re bonded to a hybrid, and we’ve already experienced the intensity that happens when our magic joins. We don’t know what might happen if we join.”

My body presses to his, sweater soaking his fresh T-shirt. “Not what I expected, Violet,” he says quietly, smoothing wet hair from my face. His eyes glint, the steel blue darkening, but not due to magic.

“I met a different guy in the greenhouse.”

“And you’re a very different girl, sweet Violet.”

“Then maybe you should kiss me before I change my mind.”

His restraint trembles through his fingers against my cheek. “You know I love you, Violet, but are you sure you—”

I grab Rowan’s hair and pull his head towards mine, close my mouth around his and kiss him, smothering his words. Rowan draws me closer to him, and his lips move against mine, until he tenses and his warm breath hovers against my mouth as he stops.

In frustration, I tug his lip between my teeth and bite, careful not to break the skin. He winces and makes a sound low in his throat before thrusting his tongue into my mouth. Lips hardening into a devouring kiss to match the one in the greenhouse, Rowan keeps a tight hold and backs me against his door.

Rowan’s kiss sends lightning dancing down my spine, electrifying every nerve in a storm of sensation that overwhelms me as his lean body presses against mine.

Something inside urges me to do this, to unite the last part of myself with him. But this isn’t the shadows whispering. This is me. I’m at the edge of a chasm I’ve stared across many times with Rowan, too scared to jump. If I missed and fell, how much would I lose? And if I reach the other side, what am I leaving behind?

If I take this step with Rowan, the consequences won’t only change what’s between us on a physical and romantic level. The bond will tighten to the point that my need to protect will take a different turn: I could never let death take Rowan away from me and I could never die with him.

Chapter 35

LEIF

I learned to shut down shortly after Dad died. At four years old, I’d no understanding of grief stages and spent a hell of a lot of time in denial. He worked away several months of the year, so I pretended Dad took a longer trip than usual. Mum never remarried and struggled, so as I grew older I misguidedly tried to be the adult to look after her, hiding behind the responsibility this gave me. Mum then struggled a second time because she’d allowed this to happen. I’m not a talker, but Mum forced me to therapy sessions with her and I kinda understand now. I also made sure I talked a lot so I could end the sessions as soon as possible.

The meeting with the elders pulled me back into the tsunami I’d weathered as a young kid, my reality taken from me and I’m drowned until everything’s numb. Rowan told me to speak to Mum, but I can’t face that. I’m scared the numbness will break and become accusations and anger, but more than that, I’m frightened that Mum can’t tell me the elders are wrong.

I don’t remember Dad well, only that he seemed like a giant compared to Mum and that when he hugged me, I lost all my breath. I do remember the love in the house and also the whispered conversations that stopped the moment my parents saw me. I’ve always known Dad was a shifter but not what type—he didn’t say much about that side of himself, neither did Mum after he passed. Was he Tigris? An elder?

I’m not the only half-shifter in the world, just like there’re plenty of half-witches, but when I hit my teen years, I began to panic. I’d lived a human life and didn’t want to shift. I researched and spoke to people to reach a conclusion—human hybrid shifters don’t take on their parent’s form.

Then why did I sense changes a couple of years ago? I’m physically stronger despite not playing sport or working out, and my eyes switched to the amber color I try to hide. In my early days at Thornwood, I blended in, average kid in every way, but as soon as I hit sixteen, everyone saw I’m ‘different’. The bullying stopped at the academy but began in town—from shifters, and later by elders.

That’s when years of Rowan and me protecting each other stepped up a notch and he swore he’d find a spell to get me away. Far, far away, and magically protected.

But the physical changes aren’t all that’s different; Violet pointed out something else. I can influence Rowan when he loses himself to the darker side he pursues to protect himself. I sense how Rowan feels sometimes, I know when he’s going downhill, but that could be eight years as best friends. Now, I wish she’d never mentioned Tigris abilities match what I experience, because that awareness around Rowan is evidence to support the elders’ claims.

And now more niggles—Dad worked as a nurse, but why did that take him away from us when he could find a job at the local hospital? When old enough to understand, Mum told me he left the pack behind as the elders couldn’t accept their relationship, which was not a unique situation either. Had he not broken all connections and that’s where Dad went for weeks at a time? My Dad, the Tigris elder.

What the fuck do I do? Even thinking about the situation tightens my chest and leaks fear into my veins. The elders won’t let this go—I’m lucky they let me go. For now. I want to believe that Ethan can help, and that solving this confusing mess about deeds and ownership might change the situation. So that’s what I’ll hang onto.

That and this ‘consort’ thing. Sure, Rowan explained how the situation is normal to witch society, but I’m not a witch. Violet’s revelation blew apart my theory that she kept a distance between us because I’m not a witch, or a full supe.

At least the revelations opened up other truths—Violet finally putting into words how she feels about me. Opening up. She still can’t see the irony—the most outspoken, no-nonsense girl couldn’t tell me until I forced her to. Or did she honestly think I just ‘knew’?

I’d reached the point that I decided to give up on Violet and her inability to understand how I felt, or for her to at least explain what was between us. I couldn’t deal with the confusion or see-saw of emotions. But I also couldn’t stay away.

Now? I know the love I have for Violet isn’t misplaced. The unexpected and mind-blowing kisses aren’t what I needed from Violet. The truth I’d hoped for but never really expected, her explaining how she cared about me, that she thought about me meant more.

Who am I kidding? I’ve replayed those moments in her room a thousand times in my mind. I’d tasted her lips once before, a move I thought would push her away forever, but to really kiss Violet… that’s something else.

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