Page 83 of The King's Queen

But Kya touches her arm, and she softens immediately. It’s easy to see now that this woman would do anything for her. I can see Amír tearing Varium apart with her bare hands if Kya would let her, just for a spark of retribution for whatever secret trauma her lover went through. Whatever it is that I am not allowed to know.

“Vera, that’s enough.” The one voice I have been waiting to hear finally speaks. The one I know will slice through the final strand holding my heart to my conscience.

Rowan’s conflicted countenance threatens to break me. To see the way he’s now angling towards the two Nightwalkers. I can see it so clearly in his gaze, and my breath catches in my throat. What the fuck is wrong with me?

“You should go,” he says softly. His hand grazes my elbow gently, sayingyou hurt me, but I don’t hate you. He wants me to know things aren’t over, but he has drawn the line in the sand. If I hurt them, I hurt him. I nod slowly. I’ve wounded myself more than them, and I am not the only one who knows it.

Silently I slip out the door, waiting for the darkness to swallow me whole.

Chapter32

Verosa

Winter prowls the stone corridors of the inner palace, winding its way through the crevices left untouched. The howling wind batters the shuttered windows and threatens to smash them all to splinters if not let in. At all hours of the night, the gentle flurry and scratching of shoes upon the stone echo through these halls as the maids and servants prepare to board up a newly broken window.

Initially, the guards’ rotations lessened. Too many were coming in with such severe frostbite that limbs were being lost, toes dislodging themselves while still in their boots. It was too much, even for my father to ignore.

Winter has also been too much for Lucius, thankfully, as I have seen less and less of him as the blizzard preservers. I had warned him months ago in a heat storm that all of Krycolis’ weather is severe. Severe heat flooded our borders when he arrived, a taste of hell compared to Tesslari’s temperate paradise. Now his Hell has frozen over.

Our most recent storm resulted in a blizzard that froze the hinges of our doors, leaving us trapped within the palace. Everyone but me. I could get out if I wanted, but I’ve been trapped elsewhere. Memories flash through my mind.

White eyes.

Blood. Blood in her eyes.

White snow.

Blood in the-

The door to my room slams opens and closes within the span of a second. Tanja steps inside, a knight following close behind carrying a pile of firewood. Tanja stands tall, pointing towards the simmering fireplace in the corner of my room. The dying light from the embers catch on her ring, the sapphire’s blue hues welcomingly accepting the amber flashes. She wears it daily now, not bothering to hide it. It confirms a suspicion I’ve had growing in my gut. She was hiding it only from me.

The knight nods and places the wood in the fire, stoking it until the flames rise and consume the logs again. He bows in my direction, keeping his head down before leaving quickly, acting as though he might catch the plague.

Tanja settles by the fire, keeping her distance. It’s been over a week now, and we still haven’t spoken. Torin stops by when he can, offering small smiles and hushed words to Tanja before he has to rush back to duty. All of us underestimated how much Blaine had to do and how well he had balanced his work and finding time for us. It took me far too long to realize those dark circles I teased him about were not from his work. They were from me. Making time for me.

And now I’ve lost him. I’ve lost the Nightwalkers. I’m losing Torin. I won’t lose Tanja too.

“Tanja.” I whisper, my throat scratching. “What do you want? From life, I mean.”

She doesn’t lift her gaze from the floor. Instead, she twists a chestnut curl around her finger and bites her lip.

“My job is to protect you. To serve you, Mai Reinhavich.”

“I asked what you want, not what your job is. And I’m asking as your friend.” I say that last part quietly, praying to the gods above that she still considers me as such, even if I don’t deserve it. Every lingering second past my proclamation hangs heavy in the air. Slowly, that dread sinks into my skin. My bones. I haven’t been able to leave this bed in three days, and now I fear I never will.

Until Tanja rises with a faraway look, her face finally turning in the shade towards mine. She steps lightly, as if dancing through my room. Her skirts flit around her ankles, her apron shifting with them while her silk slippers tap across the stone.

“I want to marry the woman I love, watch her smile for the rest of our lives. I want to go somewhere peaceful, maybe a small house in the hills by the ocean. I want a dog, maybe a cat and some horses if we can afford it. A simple life.” I bite my cheek at the tears that threaten to fall. I notice in this beautiful tapestry of a story she’s woven, I have no place. I am a bright blue thread that got woven in with the reds and golds.

“And,” she hums softly, “I want my best friend to come visit. I want her to go and live her dreams without fear. I want her to come back and tell me stories of all the amazing places she’s been, and maybe bring me along for an adventure someday. I want to live to be an old woman knowing I did everything I could to protect her and let her live happily. I want you to be free, Vera.”

She doesn’t stumble over her words, weaving lilac around my blue, allowing me a place in her fantasy. A single tear drips down my face, and she’s there to brush it away as she sinks down into the bed next to me. I don’t need to ask to know that she’s forgiven me, and I weep as she holds me.

“I just feel alone,” I whisper into her shoulder. “The Nightwalkers hate me, Torin’s been quiet lately, and Blaine’s just gone. I hurt you. I feel like everyone I love disappears, and the harder I try to hold onto them, the further away they slip.”

Tanja runs her fingers through my hair smoothly and hushes me. Her deep breaths lull my erratic heart into comfort, and she presses a soft kiss on top of my head.

“Sometimes it’s the things we hold onto the tightest that run away the quickest, but if I’ve learned anything in my years of knowing you it’s that you have a way of making things right. You make a mistake, and you fix it.”

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