Page 84 of The King's Queen

“But right now I feel like the mistake.”

“Take a moment to feel sad, then get back to work.” She shrugs nonchalantly before wrapping her willowy arms around my shoulders. “But you’ll never be alone, sweet Ver, because I’m always going to be here. Maybe not here in this bed or with my arms around you, but I’ll be here.” She presses her hand flat across my heart. Any other day, I could quip how cheesy that is or jokingly accuse her of copping a feel. Not today. Not here while that heart feels so empty.

I sniffle lightly. “Promise you won’t disappear?”

“I promise.”

I disentangle my body from hers. She doesn’t say anything else, letting the power of her words rest in the air. She had told me once that the stars remember everything. That they will remember our names long after the earth does. They will welcome us home someday and envelope us in all our loving memories.

“I have to tell you something.”

My sweet Tanja stills, her golden eyes reading my face before I even open my mouth. Tiny tendrils of light snake under my skin, brightening with my heightening anxiety. Tanja says nothing as I speak, recounting my faults and blinding my friend. I tell her how Rowan came to see me three days ago, just to tell me her sight had returned, but Amír will not allow me back until Kya says it is alright. Kya has already said she doesn’t wish to hinder my training, but I haven’t found it in my cowards’ heart to return just yet.

The young woman nods, her hair forming a halo around her heart-shaped face. Her grip on my hands tightens slightly.

“You know what you need to do.”

My gaze hardens with my resolution. “Yes, I do.”

The darkness envelopes my form but doesn’t cling to my skin like it does Rowan’s. This probably has to do with my faintly glowing skin. If I weren’t sneaking out in a blizzard, this would be a gift, however, I am more of a glowing beacon for our few guards we left stationed outside. My white cloak billows in the sky, lifting slightly to show my glowing face. I tuck against a snow pile, my chin ducked as a guard passes by. I ignore the cold bite of the substance, and the even sharper bite of the memories that surface.

I fucking hate the snow.

Winter curls up my neck, trailing kisses like impending death as I carefully pick my way through the forest. The compound slowly drifts into view, nothing more than a snow-covered mound in the night. A small beam of light tells me where the door is, and I brush it off to knock. When no one answers, I take a seat on the top step, careful to light and angle my lantern towards the dark. Light enough to alert me of dangers, but not enough to alert anyone of me.

The wooden porch creaks under steps that I know could be silent if the assassin wished them to be. Kya stands at the door, wrapped in a luxurious fur coat.

“I didn’t expect to find a princess lurking in the dark.” She spits my title like an insult, but I’m too tired to care. Too tired of fighting with her.

“You’re up,” I say tenderly, like a wolf showing its belly. It’s more of a question than a statement anyway. Kya seems to notice, and her shoulders cave inwards a bit as she comes to sit next to me on the stairs.

“My mother birthed three children, none of whom could sleep through the night.”

A test, to see if I would bite and what I would reveal of myself for a taste of her past. A game Rowan and I played not too long ago, a secret for a secret. To give and get, a balance in our friendship, or a test to see if we have one at all.

“I didn’t know I had powers until recently. I’ve been practicing daily, but even now it’s still so new to me. I’m terrified that if I mess up, I’m going to hurt someone again.” I lean back against the stairs and allow my face to gaze upon the stars. “My mother did everything she could to hide me. Who I was, what I knew. I didn’t realize my blood was different from everyone else’s until Blaine skinned his knee one day, and I realized mine didn’t have any red in it. I think if it had been up to her, she never would have told me at all. It was just another thing that could have given her power over me. My best guess is that she knew I had magic and did everything she could to hide it from me, even after she died.”

“Your mother?”

I scoff. “It feels wrong to even call her that.”

Kya tilts her head and shuffles slightly closer. I’ve given some, but not enough. Not enough to sway her.

“When I was eight, I was told never to go into Mother’s study. Not even the king was allowed in without expressed permission,” I start, the hairs on my arms starting to stand up at the memory. “But you tell a child who has gotten everything they’ve ever wanted ‘no’ for the first time, and that curiosity… it eats away at you. So I waited until it was dark, and I was sure she was asleep, and I snuck in. What I saw… I can’t forget.”

The cool night breeze picks up, brushing my hair away from the nape of my neck and sending a shiver down my spine. Kya watches with unnatural stillness, the assassin’s facade masking any sign of my friend.

“What did you see?”

I take a deep breath, steeling myself against the truth before I whisper, “Death. I couldn’t see it until I hit it. The smell was awful. I don’t know what magic was used to stop it from leaving that room, but I nearly ran out if not for what I saw. A hand, slender and young, holding a slip of paper. She had a sapphire ring around her finger.”

I break off into a dry heave, remembering the festering flesh and dried blood. The blood stains on the legs of the desk, the dark spells pinned to the wall, the charts and circles on a map. There was even an eyeball sitting in a jar upon the desk that I could’ve sworn swiveled to stare at me.

“I… I knew her. It was my nanny’s hand. She had decided to ‘retire.’ Then the door clicked shut behind me and locked. No one was there. I had to jump from the window to get out and hang on to the ivy vines that clung to the palace walls, but it had snowed all week, and the vines froze. And I slipped. I hit a tree on the way down and broke my leg. Irene, my mother, found me moments later and told me I had to wait for someone else to come find me as punishment for going into her study. I laid there on the ground in the cold winter all night, hearing the distant howls from the forest and snapping of branches. I just waited for something to come from the dark, or for the cold to take me first. By the time the guards found me, my eyes had frozen open, and I had frost forming on my lips. The evening snow had covered most of my body. They thought I was dead.”

I laugh bitterly.

“I might as well have been. My father didn’t look the least bit shocked or worried when he saw me, and Irene, of course, never came. I had severe hypothermia and had to stay in the med bay for two weeks before I regained my strength, and it took much longer for the leg to heal. Irene wouldn’t allow healers to see me. But that wasn’t the worst of it. I kept thinking of that room, how the door shut on its own, and how Irene knew where I was. I developed a fear of the dark, to the point where I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t be in a dark room without hearing those howls again. To this day, I sleep with an oil lamp on.”

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