Page 46 of Diverge

What the fuck am I doing?

My mind is like a million puzzle pieces scattered about on the floor. I’m probably the most confused I have ever been. I feel the knot in my stomach tighten as I think about how much I need to talk to Nate, especially about what just happened. Grabbing my phone, I dial his number, but it goes straight to voicemail. I still have this sinking feeling that he’s avoiding me.

NATE

There’s a slight knock that filters through the gym, and when I look up to my surprise, I see Billie standing there waiting for me to open the door. I take a deep breath as I reach the door and pull it open for her. She enters, her perfume wrapping around me like a warm summer breeze. I inhale her scent, savouring it, saving it in my memories.

“What are you doing here?” I ask. Her hair falls effortlessly down her chest, reaching the top of her hips.

“You haven’t been answering my calls, so I thought I’d check if you were still alive.” She looks around and nods. “Nice to know you’re not dead. Now is there any reason you’ve been ignoring me?”

My mouth goes dry as she crosses her arms.

“Look Billie, maybe we shou—”

“What? Stop seeing each other?” she interjects, her voice sharp.

I look at her, unable to say the words that I should say. I should tell her I want to be with her, lift her off the floor by her legs, press her against the wall and show her how much she means to me, but this thing she has going on with Finn. I can’t be the one to get in the way. I can’t stop thinking about what the future would look like for us, me constantly making sure she’s safe from Joe or constantly being on the run.

No. I don’t want that for her

“I didn’t say that... it’s just...” I sigh, running a hand through my hair, thinking of how I’m still not being completely honest with her,or myself.

She looks to the floor

“I kissed Finn,” she blurts out as she looks at me, and her eyes fill with tears.

My fears are confirmed. Something inside me tears, rips, shreds into tiny little pieces as I stand there and look at the only woman I want to spend my life with. My jaw clenches at the image in my head of her and Finn. Looking away, I harness all my willpower into keeping myself calm, reminding myself that what I have with Billie now could never compare to something they shared so many years ago... before me.

“When?” I ask.

“Tonight.” She wipes a stray tear from her cheek with the back of her hand.

Fuck!

I could kill him.

I really think I could kill him.

I take a deep breath, turning, I slam my fist into the plaster wall, my fist flying through it, hitting the timber behind. I ignore the shooting, sharp pain in my knuckles as I turn to face Billie again. Her mascara is running down her face now as she wraps her arms around herself.

“I think you should leave.” I don’t dare look at her, because if I do, it’ll make me question my decision, and right now, I need to believe I’m making the right one.

“Nate.” She reaches out to me.

“Billie, I need you to leave. Right now.” My voice is firm, and I am pointing at the door.

She sobs as she whispers, “I’m sorry.” She turns and walks out the door, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.

––––––––

BILLIE

“Is something wrong?” Felix questions as he looks back at me with a whiteboard marker in his hand. It’s late into the evening, and we have been working on this page of the website for hours. I’m tired, and I want to go to sleep.

“Everything’s fine. Do you think maybe we could wrap this up? It’s been a while since we’ve been working, and it’s almost one thirty in the morning. We can pick this up on Monday.” I gather my things and place them inside my bag.

Felix yawns and nods.

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