Page 26 of The Burnt Heart

“I’ll get you a soda.” Nicole snatched up her bag and hurried inside before I could protest. I shifted in the seat, unable to calm the unease in my stomach. I eyed the menu to distract my racingthoughts. Nicole returned five minutes later. She was swirling the soda bottle, a wine glass in her other hand. Discomfort gripped my stomach like claws.

“It’ll fizz if you do that,” I tried to joke, and she ducked her head.

“It’s one of those kombucha drinks. Good for your stomach, but you have to shake them a little. If you see anything floating around, it’s totally normal.” Her laugh tinkled. She took a hefty sip of her drink and sighed. “I’m better equipped to spill my guts now.”

Nicole was sitting opposite me, and I didn’t realize how intimate it seemed. Her knees, encased in camel slacks, knocked against mine. I scooted back as far as I could, increasing the vast space between us. She smiled ruefully at the movement, shaking her head.

“I hate that I lost you as my friend because of this,” she whispered. “So many years of friendship.” My chest ached at her words, a tightness from the woeful expression in her wide eyes.

“What did you think was going to happen, Nicole? You lied to my girlfriend about me not wanting to be with her anymore. You’re right, we were friends, and I thought I could trust you, but you ended up making things worse.” I chugged some of the kombucha down, clenching as bitterness coated my tongue. Pent up rage bounced around my body, finding no outlet. I glared at the table, trying to gain control. I had trusted Nicole when I was younger and had done the same when we reconnected. The resentment was masking a deep disgust at my own actions, but she had betrayed my trust as well. Nicole looked away, her eyes a reflective sheen. She toyed with a diamond pendant necklace.

“I swear to you, that wasn’t my intention. Your investor was hovering around, and I panicked, thinking he would hear what you were saying. I was only trying to play up the break-up and make it seem legitimate. That was the entire purpose of thatnight, wasn’t it?” Her lower lip trembled. “I truly thought I was doing the right thing. I know I should have kept my mouth shut, but I just acted on instinct. If I had known how much the things I’d said would hurt Adelaide, I never would have mentioned them.”

Sharp pain stormed my chest at the reminder of how I’d told Nicole things that were private. That was another of my idiotic mistakes. I had stupidly given her the weapon she’d used to cut down my love. I’d opened my mouth and spilled secrets that weren’t mine to tell. That was my burden to bear and my guilt to claim. I still heard Adelaide’s words about me leaning on the wrong person, and it made me want to vomit. I’d caused this when I looked outside of Adelaide for support.

“It was all pretend? You weren’t trying to make us break up so you could sweep in and have a chance at me?” I pressed, echoing Adelaide’s fears. Nicole’s eyes rounded, a small, breathless laugh escaping her.

“What? Not at all,” Nicole beseeched me. “You’ve never noticed me, and how could I have a chance with Adelaide around? She’s so beautiful. I couldn’t compare, even if I wanted to.”

My forehead creased. Could this all be a mistake? Nicole glanced at the table, her fingers running around the stem of her wine glass. A subtle sign of hesitation was in her eyes, like she wanted me to disagree with what she said.

“Nicole, we grew up together, and I’ve always considered you a close friend. Any guy would be lucky to love you the way I love Adelaide. Sometimes I think about growing up in the foster home.” I swallowed past a hard lump in my throat. “I leaned on you a lot throughout the years, but Adelaide is my reason. The strength that helps me want to move on from our past. You’ll find someone who loves you like that one day.” I tried to make her feel better, to wipe the morose look off her face.

“We were each other’s safe space. It’s just so hard to imagine someone who could understand. We spent all those days cooped up together, perfectly happy in each other’s company. Each other’s escape from the horrible world.”

My lungs constricted, making it difficult to breathe. This was a dangerous line of conversation.

“Adelaide is that person. She knows everything about me and is my refuge from our shitty upbringing,” I partially lied. Nicole didn’t know the reasons I spent all that time with her, and neither did Adelaide. The idea of admitting the truth had me gripping the table, dizzy. I took another sip of the drink to steady myself. Hissing as the sharp, cold liquid invaded my mouth.

“I’ve missed you so much. One mistake and I lost my best friend. I know Adelaide has never liked me. I never thought you would let her jealousy of our friendship influence you. But you just cut me off, like I was nothing. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain.” She choked a little, taking a sip of her drink.

My ears rang, and I couldn’t look away from her wounded expression. I had Logan, Jesse, and Adelaide, but Nicole didn’t have anyone but me. She’d always struggled to make friends, and even in the years we spent apart, it appeared her life had only grown lonelier. She considered me her best friend, and I’d treated her like trash. Her confessions confused me. If she had seen Donato, it made everything else seem logical. I was beyond confused by Nicole’s confession. It was my actions that compounded the pain. She’d parroted words I had confessed to her. I wavered slightly. Nicole thought I was a friend, but I had used her, without even caring about the effect it had on her. What if it had all been a misunderstanding?

“What you said made everything worse. I understand you were trying to play a part, but you went too far. I need to take responsibility for sharing private conversations with you. Adelaide has always been leery of our friendship, and I betrayedher trust, proved her right by confiding things to you that never should have been said.” I admitted, the truth of it hitting me. It didn’t matter if Nicole said those things out of friendship or with ulterior motives. I still hadn’t listened to Adelaide. Holding onto a misplaced sense of loyalty had made me dismiss her feelings about Nicole. I had so much to make up for. It was like looking up at that looming mountain peak again, two months of self-reflection and there was still so much I’d fucked up. Nicole gave me a small smile, and she leaned in.

“Can I give you a hug?” she asked softly. I put up a hand to stop her from shifting forward.

“No, that’s not a good idea. I’m glad we talked, and you told your side of the story, but I can’t be your friend anymore. Adelaide is my priority, and I have to show I’m listening to her.”

Nicole cocked her head with a slight furrow on her brow.

“I think it’s sad that you would allow her to influence you to cut off people who have been in your life for years. Who love and support you.”

I refrained from reminding Nicole that we hadn’t been in each other’s lives for many years. It didn’t make a difference. We had a history together and her perception of it was different to mine. I was her friend. She had been my shield. My stomach turned over violently, a wave of dizziness crashing over me.

“Can we finish this drink? For old time’s sake?”

I tipped my bottle. It was still half full, sediment floating in the bottom. This time, I didn’t hesitate, I made the choice I should’ve made in the beginning. To lean on my brothers and my girl. I pushed the drink away and shook my head. Annoyance crossed Nicole’s face for a moment, gone before I could even register it.

“I wish you nothing but the best, Nicole, but I meant what I said. I haven’t been a good man to Adelaide, but I’m determined to prove I can be. You might think it’s a drink with a friend, butI know she wouldn’t. It would hurt her, and that has to be my compass.”

Her shoulders sagged, but she masked the dejection with a valiant smile. Stepping out from the table, she swept her hand to the now clear walkway. Streetlights lit up the path, one of them flickering like a warning.

“If that’s what you want.” She sniffed, pressing her lips into a thin line. “Just know that I am here for you and always will be.”

What reply could I make to her earnest statement that wouldn’t give her hope? I opted for silence. My vision was clear for the first time in a long time. I’d spent two months wallowing when I could have spent that time planning how to win my girl back. No wonder it was so easy for Adelaide to move on and date other people. I reached down to grab my notebook when my elbow collided with something warm and hard. Nicole shrieked, and I whipped my head up, my arm covered in wine, and Nicole’s blouse soaked through.

“Oh, my god,” I cried out, grabbing a napkin and handing it to her to staunch the stain. Nicole gasped and then burst out laughing.

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