Page 53 of Hold On

Dominic smiled, then bit his lip. “Why didn’t you let me reciprocate?”

“I didn’t want you to feel you had to.”

“Really?”

“Actually, it…wasn’t like me to decline an offer like that.”

Dominic’s heart clenched. He didn’t know whether to be pleased Ren hadn’t overwhelmed him or pissed off that he’d not behaved in the way he usually would. But they were both treading cautiously here.

“If I’d told you I wanted to do a lot more than wrap my hand around your cock?” Dominic asked.

Ren swallowed hard. “I think I’d want to find us a hotel, somewhere with no sausage roll-eating kids or interfering room service or anything else that might interrupt us. I’d probably have to disable the smoke alarms, just in case. Eighteen hours with a room of our own to do just what we wanted.”

For a long moment, Dominic let himself want that too, but… “I can’t stay even one night away from Asquith without asking permission.”

“How long does that last?”

Dominic felt contentment slipping away. “From what I understand, at least four years. If I cause no problems, I can apply to have the restriction lifted. Same with travelling abroad. Anywhere that requires a visa will refuse me entry and I’d need permission to go anywhere that doesn’t have entry requirements. I come with issues.”

“Don’t we all. There’s nothing that can’t be overcome.”

“Not sure that’s true.” He liked that Ren thought there might be a way, but there wasn’t.

“You just ask for permission. You tell your Offender Manager your boyfriend wants to whisk you away to ravish you.”

Boyfriend?Dominic’s stomach lurched.

Ren brushed hair from Dominic’s eyes. “Don’t freak out. I like you, just in case you were wondering.”

Dominic’s throat filled. “I like you too.”

“But let’s just see where this goes, okay?”

“Okay.” Dominic hadn’t liked thebut.Nor the rest of the sentence, though he knew Ren was right. They were only just getting to know one another.

“If I can help you blend back into the world, that’s something, right?”

Dominic tried to smile and was pretty sure he failed. Helping him blend in was something, but not enough. It might be more than he’d hoped for, especially after he’d told Ren what he’d done—how could anyone get their head around that? — but Dominic wanted more, wanted this to mean something.It already does.And that was partly Ren’s fault.But mostly mine for wanting too much.

He tried to make himself see reason. He was almost thirty-two, yet in some ways, still a teenager. First kiss—not something his parents had done, not to him. First hand job that he’d actually wanted. First time someone had seen him erect, apart—don’t go there.First…friend. It was all new and overwhelming, which had led him to make Ren into something he wasn’t. At least, not yet and if Ren thought about it a little more, maybe never would be. So not a boyfriend despite what he’d said.

The sun still shone brightly in a cloudless sky, but darkness had crept into Dominic’s soul, spreading like an inky stain. He didn’t deserve another chance. The system was stacked against second chances for people like him so why was he even trying? The sooner he was away from Col, the better, because Dominic would pull him down too. What if Kilic was trying to find him? What if he hurt Col to find out where Dominic was, or hurt him just to get even? Dominic’s pulse jumped. He ought to have contacted the head of clinical operations at Marsden and told her what Sturdy had said. Now it was too late. Everything was too late. He felt sick. For one shaky moment, he wished he was dead.

“What were you like as a teenager?” Ren asked.

It was hard not to flinch. Nothing about his teenage years had been good. But Dominic had to pull himself back from the brink or he’d fall apart. He thought of a word that was acceptable. “Lonely.” He could have added so many more and none of them were words he wanted in his head.

“Did you have a boyfriend?”

“I wouldn’t have dared.”You have no idea what I went through. You could never understand.

The bewilderment that first time his father had touched him, the lies about Dominic being special, chosen, perfect… When he’d told his mother and her reaction. The gradual understanding of what his life was going to be like from that moment, the dread that had settled deep inside him, the way it had stopped lifting when he was out of the house because he had to keep Billy safe.Col.Only Col had kept him going. Col needed to be touched with true kindness, he deserved rides on Dominic’s back, for his hair to be ruffled, an arm slung over his shoulders, a hug with no agenda, and comfort when he was crying. Dominic wanted to give Col all he could, all he’d been denied.

“But you knew you were gay, right?”

It took a beat for Dominic to get his head back to what Ren had been talking about. “Eventually.”

He’d wondered if his mother’s abuse had made him gay. In those days he’d not understood anything.

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