Page 39 of Home for the Holidays

She couldn’t even imagine having that conversation with him. How would she even start?

Hey, Zac, while you were rekindling the embers of your long-dormant romance with Evan, I was sliding into your mom’s metaphorical DMs. And her vagina.

Yeah, that wasn’t going to fly.

But as she listened to Heidi talk about Zac as a kid—how he was so sure of himself yet so shy at the same time, how he wet his twin-sized bed until he was eight, how he almost got a home run when he was ten only to be followed by a black eye at the plate, how he tried to hide his feelings for Evan but Heidi could see through him—all of it was making it harder and harder to notlikethis woman. She was captivating in all the best ways. And to make matters worse, she was so stunning. Her hair, the caramel blonde, the curls, the way they cascaded over her shoulder when she bent her head down to laugh at a memory, every single thing about her. Iris had been with her fair share of beautiful women. Of course, she’d fallen into bed with a few she wasn’t necessarily attracted to as well. She was only human, after all. But Heidi was on another level. And sitting next to her, listening to her, studying her features, was solidifying the fact that this woman—this Midwest middle-agedmom—was going to take up residence in every single area of her brain and heart.

The worst part about all of it? Iris was excited. Thrilled, actually, when she shouldn’t have been. At all.

“Yeah, catching Evan and him in the laundry room was eye-opening,” Heidi said with a small chuckle. She shook her head. “They had no idea I had seen them. I was shocked, but also not. Y’know what I mean?”

“Because you’d always sort of knew?”

“I think so.” She licked and bit down on her lip. “I never wanted any of them to be like me or like their father.” She breathed in sharply. “I can’t believe I just said it to you.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I should be proud of them, whoever they turn out to be, right? Oscar becoming a doctor is exactly what we had hoped for. Adrien being so influential in the fashion industry has been so great for him. And Zac being such a whiz with numbers and finances is just, well, mind-blowing. I am so proud of them in their careers. But for Adrien and Zac, gosh, I know how hard it is to be different. And being out and proud in today’s political climate? Forget about it. I wanted so much more for them than this.” Heidi motioned to herself. “Look at me—locked in the closet because I’m too afraid to be the person I am.”

“Can I say something?” Iris turned so she was facing Heidi, her knees pressing lightly into the sides of Heidi’s thighs. “It’s not my place to tell you this, and honestly, I made Zac promise that he would tell you before we leave, but he’s happy in New York. He’s out, and he doesn’t hide. And as far as I can see, Adrien seems happy and proud. Look at his beautiful relationship with Shaun. They love each other. I’m sure, as a parent, it’s hard to not worry about your kids and their happiness. But I don’t think you need to. I think you should worry more about yourself and whyyou’velocked yourself into a closet.”

The look on Heidi’s face as she seemed to digest what Iris said was encouraging. “I wish it was as easy as you think it is.”

“Oh, honey,” Iris said with a laugh. “Coming out is never easy, and it certainly wasn’t for me.”

“No?”

“God, no. My mother disowned me at first. She didn’t talk to me for a few months after. I escaped when I went to college and wasn’t about to come home, but yeah, it was not fun.” She shrugged. “I used to question all the time whether or not she truly accepts me. Those months of her hatred were very hard to get past.”

“How is she now?”

Iris snorted into her martini. “She runs the local PFLAG in the town where I grew up.”

“That’s adorable.”

Was it? Or was her mom just trying to compensate for years of being ashamed? “She’s still not great about it to me but it is what it is.” She scooted a tiny bit closer, so her knees pressed a little harder into Heidi’s thigh. “Your children will not disown you.”

The older woman sighed. “I know.”

“Then why haven’t you told them?”

“Do you want to know the honest answer?”

“Absolutely.”

“I think I’m embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed?” That was not at all what Iris had thought she was going to say. “Why embarrassed?”

“Because I was a hot mess when their father left me. I knew he was into men for a very long time, but he was also into me, so I dealt with it. As long as he came home to me, who cared? But he eventually left me—and not for someone else. He left because he fell out of love with me. Me, who supported him through everything; me, who put my dreams on hold while he pursued his dreams; me, who left Paris and raised the kids and gave him his perfect suburban life.” The sadness layered beneath Heidi’s dignified tone was almost palpable. “I was forced to pick up the pieces of my life, to be okay, to live with the fact that my husband left because I wasn’t enough.”

“Heidi,” Iris heard herself whisper. The idea that she wasn’t enough made Iris’s stomach hurt. She couldn’t imagine how that was possible.

“It’s fine. It is.” Heidi took a deep breath. “Knowing I wasn’t enough made me so angry. Coming out now seems like I’m just doing it in spite of him. And that’s not it. I think our relationship didn’t work for numerous reasons, but ultimately, I wasn’t as in love with him as I needed to be either. Realizing that so late in life? It’s a real blow.”

“What do you mean?”

“For so long, I thought every single relationship I tried to be in failed because of me. Because I wasn’t good enough. Because I wasn’t pretty enough, sexy enough—”

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