Page 56 of Sex Ed

‘Pool is just angles and maths, isn’t it?’

‘Well, yeah. And go like this. Relaxed Ed. It’s a good look.’

He looks down at himself. ‘It’s how I normally look, no?’

I bite my tongue, grabbing a bar stool at his kitchen island and putting my head down on folded arms. ‘So, this was the big emergency? I could have helped you sort a date via WhatsApp and then I wouldn’t have needed to get out of bed.’

He stands at the countertop and puts my bagel on a plate, spreading just the right amount of peanut butter on it and placing it in front of me. I shove it in my mouth, pointing at the toaster. It’s sweet how he thinks just the one bagel is going to cut it.

‘Mia, it’s ten o’clock,’ he points out to me.

‘It’s Saturday. Plus, you bailed on me last night, I am nursing that complete abandonment.’

Ed’s eyes widen. ‘But you told me to go!’

‘I did. But it meant I had no one to stack the chairs at the end or help me put Frank in a taxi and he’s deceptively heavy…’

Ed watches me leaning against his countertop. I can’t quite make out what he thinks about all of that but I’m glad I made him go. I’m glad he was part of that space for a moment.

‘Can you try to use the plate I’ve given you?’ he asks me, watching crumbs fall to his countertop and pushing my plate a fraction towards me. He’s never appreciated my casual eating style. He hands me the other bagel and watches me devour that one, too. I bloody love bagels.

‘You’re highly critical given I rushed round here in your hour of need. You didn’t just bring me here for advice on dating venues, did you?’ I say, eyeing up the coffee.

He shakes his head. ‘I mean, the reason I’m also being polite with her is I also feel that I’m still, you know…’

‘Virginy?’ I ask, licking the peanut butter off my lips.

‘Not the word I was looking for, but yes. There’s still a lot to learn. If we end up in bed together, I don’t want to…’

‘Come as soon as she looks at your knob?’

He rolls his eyes. ‘Such a way with words…’

‘I only speak in truths, young Ed. So basically, you got me here for a sex lesson.’

He cringes at how I’ve defined the situation. ‘I didn’t know how to put that in a text. Do we need to keep diarising this?’

I laugh quietly. It will at least show this up for what it is, some efficient sex exercise, void of any romanticism whatsoever. ‘Well, I wasn’t planning on doing anything today. But next time text so I can prepare.’ I think about how under my hoodie, I’m still wearing a crop top I wore to sleep. ‘I’m down for this, you know I am but you’re a teacher – you know how unprofessional it is to walk into a classroom without a plan, the right tools,’ I explain, yawning.

‘Noted. Tools. Actually, I’m glad you said that,’ Ed mutters and he heads to his kitchen table where he picks up a cardboard box and a notebook. ‘Can I ask you about some things?’ I eye him curiously as he comes back to where I’m sitting, opens the box up on the counter and hands me a Rabbit – the sex toy as opposed to the animal. Is it a gift?

‘So, after you showed me those sex toys the other day, I went back to that ‘Love Shack’ website and I bought this and, well, I’ve spent the last two days just looking at it. I may have to return it… if you can return it. I did check the terms and conditions and…’

I look deeper into the box as he studies the receipts paperwork and he’s not just bought this. He’s got three types of condoms, handcuffs and a small metal butt plug. I’ve created a monster.

‘Ed,’ I say thoughtfully, the Rabbit still in my hand.

‘Mia.’

‘Were you drunk?’ I cackle.

‘I panic bought it all.’

‘Ed, people panic buy toilet paper, not sex toys… Do you even know what half of this does?’ I ask.

‘Kind of. I have questions about the butt plug? Whose butt does it go in?’

It’s questions like this which do make me wonder how he’s got this far in life. But I am here to educate, to turn this man into some sexual connoisseur. Maybe we’re halfway there given he’s managed to get these items out on the place he normally serves food.

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