Page 58 of Sex Ed

Mia bobs her head from side to side. ‘You know, you have a decent wanger, Ed. Use the wanger first. Then use this to give her a more complete pleasure experience.’

I nod. ‘Thank you for the compliment about my…’

‘Wanger…?’

‘Is that what we’re calling it? I shouldn’t call it that, right? When referring to it…?’

‘No. Give it another name.’

‘What? Like Charles?’ I try to joke. She collapses on the bed in hysterics.

‘It’s your COCK. That’s the only acceptable word when talking about it in the moment. Not pecker, willy, peeny, man-meat, definitely not a name… or we will laugh.’ She smiles at me and sits back up. ‘But yes, yours is fine. Decent girth and length, not too much foreskin.’

I will take that compliment. ‘You also have a very lovely body, Mia,’ I say, trying to return the compliment.

She pouts and shakes her head. ‘Try that again but sexily.’

I take a pause to understand what she means. Like with a French accent and an eyebrow raised or an octave lower? I think back to lines of conversation she once showed me on Tinder.

‘Your tits are outstanding…?’ I say, a little hesitantly.

‘Did you just give my tits an OFSTED report?’

I nod. She laughs and I bury my face in my bed. She pats me on the head.

‘Don’t be mean, I’m trying so hard,’ I say in muffled tones.

‘I’ll give you some books to read, films to watch so you can learn some lines,’ she reassures me. ‘You’re getting there. You had full conversations with Caitlin, you kissed her at the sink. It’s progress. This is not the same Ed from three weeks ago.’

‘Speaking of books, I have been doing some extra reading…’

I reach under the bed and both our heads peer over the edge as I reveal a selection of books I have curated recently on sex and sexual practice. I like how she lies so close to me, resting her head on my shoulder like we’re just looking over takeaway menus. I open one of them up to a page that I have bookmarked.

‘Ed, that is the Kama Sutra – ancient sex gurus used that. I know pretzels that don’t bend like that.’

‘But there’s all this stuff about sustaining your orgasm, that’s beneficial to me, right?’ I add.

‘Yeah, if you’re tantric. You’re too far down the line, Ed. This is stuff you do when you’re in a relationship where you’re thinking about ways to deepen your orgasm. This stuff requires trust and knowledge of someone,’ she says, angling her head to one side to look over a diagram in more detail. ‘We’ve literally done one position, on a bed and you lasted about twenty seconds, so you need to learn how to walk before you can run.’

Naturally, any man would feel a smidgeon of shame to hear themselves assessed in such a manner, but I am past this point with Mia now. She speaks the truth and I am here to learn and do better.

‘So, I’ve been thinking about your little problem and, whilst I’m not a doctor, I think it was because it was your first time and you were excited and hypersensitive. So we need to build you up, and I think the best way to do that is when you think you’re about to shoot your load, I want you to change position.’

I nod like I know what she’s talking about, but in my head, I just have images of me throwing shapes in a game of musical statues.

‘So, I need to teach you some positions. Lie down on your back,’ she informs me, rolling over. I do as I’m told and she starts to straddle me so she’s on top.

‘I don’t have a condom on,’ I tell her, reaching down to remove my underwear.

‘I can see that. Keep the pants on, this is purely instructional,’ she says, sitting on my crotch. She bobs up and down for a moment. ‘So this is me on top. This is nice for me because it’s stimulating my clitoris. Nice view for you, too, I imagine. It gives me control, you can thrust back if you want and create a movement. I can also lean forward and then you have boobs in the face which, again, is a treat for you.’

She shows me all of this in a series of instructional moves that I’ve only ever seen when someone is trying to teach sport. She then swivels around so her bottom is facing me. I don’t deny it’s a lovely view and she has a very good bottom, but I do the good and decent thing by tucking her tag back into her spotted black knickers.

‘This is reverse cowgirl,’ I state confidently, despite this being my only knowledge on this matter.

‘Very good. Now this, again, is a nice angle for me as I can play with myself while I do this, and you can see the mechanics of what’s happening down there. And I can also…’

Mia pops herself on to all fours and then, well, there’s no other way of saying this, but her butt is in my face.

---