Page 44 of Sex Ed

She giggles and pushes my hand away, shaking her body about as if she’s trying to recalibrate itself. Her nipples are more pert, the pupils of her eyes dilated and she smiles, looking relaxed.

‘So the other way to stimulate my clit is with this,’ she says, sticking out her tongue at me. ‘That’s quite a step though. I find with oral you have to be in the moment. You don’t have to do that if it’s too much, we can work on fingers tonight…’

I shake my head at her. ‘Nope, I want to learn it all, as quickly as possible,’ I say, wobbling my jaw around in preparation. ‘Like a student cramming it all in the night before an exam.’

She sniggers to herself. ‘Well, be grateful I had a bath before you came…’ She props herself on some pillows and parts her legs for me again. ‘Right, so the best thing about head is the tease. Don’t just dive in there like you’re Tom Daley…’

‘He’s gay.’

‘I know that, it was a diving analogy.’

‘Gotcha,’ I say, putting my thumb up at her.

‘Kiss all around the area, my hip bones, my inner thigh, run a tongue along those parts, blow, lick… Build up the moment. Literally have it so I can feel your breath down there, on me,’ she says, pointing to herself.

‘Hmmm,’ I say, remembering I shouldn’t talk. Listen to her body. Let’s do this then. I move my lips along her inner thigh. Ooh, that sounds like a happy sound. I’d do that again if I can remember what I just did. There are things I want to say but I need to focus and be in the moment. What I want to tell her is that her thighs are super soft, and I like the smell of her bath foam. It smells like vanilla.

‘And then just lightly kiss or lick my vulva… softly…’

‘Eyes open or closed?’ I ask.

‘Open for today so you know what you’re doing but generally closed or it can be unnerving. You’ll look like a crocodile in the undergrowth,’ she says, laughing.

OK then. Time to give a woman head. Given I’ve just been told the secret location of the clitoris, it feels like the right place to start there. I lick it gently, rotating my tongue around it.

‘NOT SO HARD,’ she says, creasing up.

‘I’m sorry!’ I say, her vulva still in my mouth, a hand in the air. I go more gently. So that bit is super sensitive. This is good knowledge to have. I hear her breathing getting heavier, a moan as she puts her arm behind her head.

‘You can move your tongue around, explore the inside of my vulva, keep alternating the movements, find those special places.’

Despite the breathy tone of voice, she makes it sound so clinical, but it really is like figuring out a very cryptic puzzle. It’s not a huge surface area but there are limitless combinations of things that could get her off.

‘Down a little, flick your tongue in and out there… Just. Like. That.’

She puts her hand to the back of my hair, stroking gently. She tastes different. Sweet. And I suddenly understand what she means. To see her aroused is having an effect on me, everything is reciprocal and, like the high achiever that I am, I just want to do this right – get it right. She starts to grind into my face. OK, do I grind back? How am I breathing? Through my nose? Do I go back to the clit? I’ll go back to the clit. As I do, she gasps out in delight. Small circles, like the mouse thing. This is very confusing to me. Do I use a finger, too? Just my face? Do I blow here? I’ve read it’s dangerous to blow into a vagina. She might explode. Her moans get louder and louder. I’ll keep going then.

‘Just like that, just there… Hmmm…’

Maybe she’s faking this to make me feel better. I’ll feel cheated if this is the case as I’m working hard here, lips and tongue, and making a concerted effort to control my breathing too, like I’m diving for pearls. I might get lockjaw. Is that a thing? I think it’s caused by tetanus. I teach modules on lockjaw. I wouldn’t be able to talk. How would I explain this to the school? Oh, I got it giving cunnilingus to Mia Johnson in English. I concentrate on what I’m doing. She’s getting really loud now.

‘Fuck… right there, Ed… keep going… Oh my…’

She grabs at my head and thrusts herself into me, her body going into some strange spasm, her legs straightening. I glance up, her face is pointed to the ceiling.

‘FUUUUUCK!’ she shrieks. The housemates definitely heard that.

But then a leg retracts and she forgets I might be there, kicking me straight in the eye.

‘OOOOOW!’ I say, clutching at my eye and falling back off the bed on to the floor. I lie there and stare at the ceiling. Here lies Ed, who died from blindness and lockjaw giving a woman an orgasm. Any joy I should be feeling from that achievement is replaced with the worry that I may not have a retina anymore.

Mia cackles with laughter, kneeling up and peering at me over the side of the bed. ‘Oh my God, Ed, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…’ She reaches out and helps me back up onto the bed.

‘Did you…?’

‘Come?’ She nods, her cheeks glowing, not quite knowing where to look until there’s a fierce knocking on her bedroom door.

‘STOP IT WITH YOUR SEX NOISES, MIA! WE’RE TRYING TO WATCHUNIVERSITY CHALLENGE!’

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