Page 24 of Sex Ed

‘I use lotion!’ I snap back at her.

‘Good. I get off by stimulating my clitoris.’

‘I have questions about that,’ I say with trepidation.

‘About where it is?’

‘About how you operate it.’

Mia smiles. I shrug in apology. I’ve referred to her clitoris like a kitchen appliance. She puts her plate down. ‘Ed, do you have a mouse?’

‘For the cat?’ I ask, alarmed at the direction this conversation is going.

‘No, a computer mouse.’ She seems slightly worried that I misconstrued that completely.

I nod and head over to my desk in the corner of the room to retrieve one, handing it over to her.

‘This little button bit in the middle. The lightest of touches, small circles,’ she says, showing me. ‘Don’t press too hard. Here, try.’ She presents the mouse to me on the palm of her hand.

I do as I’m told as she watches me. ‘But it’s easy on a mouse, how will I know if I’m pressing too hard?’

‘I’ll tell you. That’s good. How’s your kissing? How many girls have you kissed?’ she asks.

‘Three.’

‘Details?’

‘A girl at school, we were on a trip to the Isle of Wight, and I think she just wanted to see what it was like. A girl in sixth form who was drunk, and I nearly lost my virginity at university but that never happened in the end.’

‘Because…?’

‘It just didn’t…’ I say, my voice trailing off to bring that trauma into full view. ‘We got naked and then I got the johnny stuck in a fan and then…’

Mia’s eyes widen. ‘For the love of fuck, is that why you’re a virgin? Did a fan take off your tip?’ she says, recoiling in shock.

‘No. I still have a penis. It was just a… comedy of errors. But three girls. I’ve kissed three. Why are you looking at me like that? You look like you’re pitying me.’

‘I am not. I just… You’ve just been slow off the blocks. Let’s bring you back up to speed.’ She takes my plate of noodles from my lap and puts them down on my coffee table. She then tucks her hair behind her ear, taking a deep breath, then leans into me, putting a hand to my cheek, slowly drawing my face in to hers until our lips touch. I close my eyes, mainly because that’s what I think the accepted protocol is in that situation, but her lips feel soft, her breath warm – although that could be because she’s eating Szechuan tofu. Her lips move against mine and I feel something released inside of me like a breath, exhaled. I put a hand to her face as she moves away from me.

‘Now you’ve kissed four,’ she whispers. ‘Your eyes are still closed.’

I open them, my mouth suddenly dry. My hand is still gently against her face. I pull it back and reach for a swig of beer.

‘You could have warned me,’ I mutter. ‘I could have had a spring roll in my mouth, I could have choked.’

‘Where’s the fun in that?’ She smiles.

I smile back. She reaches over me to grab at the remote control.

‘Less kissing, more noodles. Once the film is over, I’ll let you feel a boob. Let’s ease you in gently.’

‘You’ve obviously seen the size of me,’ I joke in a deadpan voice.

‘ED! You made a sex joke!’ she says proudly, eyeballing me. ‘We’ll get there.’

SIX

MIA

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