Page 23 of Sex Ed

‘Ed, the first thing you need to know is beyond the mechanics of sex, people are into their things. I don’t sex shame, but I feel I’ve met a number of them in my lifetime.’

‘When you say number…?’ I ask, an eyebrow slightly raised.

‘I’ve slept with about twenty people, Ed.’ Again, this is a fact she relays to me quite coolly, not bragging in any way but just stating the facts like her height or weight. ‘It’s just sex. When I was younger, it was certainly something I did to keep up with my peers but once you work out your pleasure, what gets you off, it can be… fun…’

I feel like I’m miles away from the fun stage of sex yet. ‘Twenty is a respectable number,’ I tell her.

‘Did you think it was higher?’ she asks, her eyes reading cheeky as opposed to insulted.

‘You talk a lot about sex and relationships to me, so I didn’t know what to think,’ I reply diplomatically.

‘I get tested regularly, too, in case you were wondering.’

‘I wasn’t.’

She widens her eyes at me because she knows that’s a small white lie. I am conscious about my health and she eats very messily so I worry. She doesn’t even use a napkin. I watch her settle into my sofa, curling her feet up so that they’re wedged against me, remnants of satsuma nail polish on her toenails.

‘So, my turn to ask some questions. When you say you haven’t had sex…’ she enquires. ‘Have you ever seen a vagina?’

I inhale sharply. ‘You mean a vulva?’

'OK, Mr Biology,’ she replies, giggling. ‘Seriously, have you ever seen a snatch?’

‘In real life, no. Please don’t whip yours out now while we’re eating,’ I say, putting a hand in the air.

She grins, spring onion caught in her teeth. ‘Have you used a fleshlight or a sex toy?’

My blank looks tell her everything she needs to know, so she gets her phone out and goes to a sex toy website ‘The Love Shack’ to show me. ‘You can buy objects that resemble vulvic parts and you can stick your dong in them and get yourself off.’

‘But they’re not attached to anything. Do you hold them, or what?’ I say, confused, also wondering about the cleaning involved.

‘They have suction cups.’

‘Well, that’s only useful if you have a hard floor. What if you have carpets?’ I ask practically.

‘Then you attach it to the wall? You don’t have carpet on your wall.’

I frown, trying to work out those angles, and scroll through the website, gulping physically at the paraphernalia on sale. This is a bookmarked website. There will be extras? I didn’t even think those would be necessary. If this evening had escalated to sex, all I have in my room are fresh sheets and a box of Durex.

Mia glances at my face and looks concerned. ‘Ed, you’ve gone pale. Don’t look at that website in too much detail. Your eyes will pop out of their sockets. You really haven’t got much experience, eh?’

‘I just never really hung out with girls at school and then at university, I didn’t really put myself out there.’

‘Obviously. Do you wank?’

Crikey, Mia. I wind an extraordinarily large amount of noodles on to my fork, more than the fork can handle.

‘Yes.’

‘Why are you nervous telling me about wanking?’

‘It feels a little sad that it’s the length and breadth of my experience.’

‘Ed, I wank nearly every night or I can’t get to sleep. How do you get off? Tell me.’

I stare back at her, part of me wishing we could go back in time when she would just ask me questions about the school photocopier and take my crisps.

‘Because having sex is also about pleasure,’ she says. ‘It’s not a dirty word and it’s something you should enjoy. You keep blushing. Tell me how you get off. Now!’

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