Page 4 of Facing the Pain

The next seventy-two hours flew by. The thing that didn’t happen in that three-day span was Jake and I taking that next step and finally being intimate. Jake promised my dad I would be a virgin until I graduated, and Jake was a man of his word. Jake promised to wait until I graduated high school, but Jake went a step further. We were both virgins, so he wanted our first time to be our wedding night. I argued my point, but Jake stood his ground and I couldn’t argue anymore. I mean, my man was trying to save all the rest of our firsts until we were husband and wife. That was sweet, but Jake had better resolve than I did.

The day came for Jake to leave and I promised I wouldn’t cry until Jake was gone. I knew it was hard on him too. He told me last night this would only be a short separation, and he gave me his favorite sweats to sleep in while he was away. I never knew how much I would need their comfort until right now. He was leaving everyone behind though and going to the unknown. I stuck to my guns, and I kissed Jake goodbye with whispered promises on both our sides. I held it together until I was home and then the tears came, and they kept coming.

I wrote Jake every day when I finally got his address. I also put together a good-sized box of goodies every other week. Jake didn’t have much time to write and that was alright. I waited for the bi-weekly phone calls and sometimes when they didn’t come, I felt empty, but I still wore those sweats to feel closer to him. I kept myself busy with my extra classes at the college. I started my junior year with extra credits so I should graduate by Christmas next year. I took that early out.

Days turned into weeks and we went to both of Jake’s graduations. Each time, it was hard to keep my hands off Jake and it seemed he was having the same problem. We only had the weekend each time, so we contained our passion. To be honest, we didn’t have sex, but we did a lot of exploring.

The day we left; it was sad. I knew this next separation would be longer, but Jake would have a few more freedoms. Jake had decided to go to Ranger school when he was approached with the possibility. It scared me silly, but I knew it was his decision.

We left, and I had never prayed so hard in my life. I wanted Jake safe. We hadn’t been home three or four weeks when we got the news that a chopper that Jake had been in went down during a training exercise. I prayed and prayed Jake was alright. It was the longest and shortest two days of my life as I clung to Ms. May.

When the tragic news was finally given that Jake was killed, I shut myself down. I couldn’t feel the pain where my heart once was. I couldn’t cry, eat, respond to people, or shower and those favorite sweats are all I wore. I think the doctor was called but I don’t know if that was real or not. I know it seemed like I slept forever and stayed in my bed.

One morning, the door to my room was kicked open and there stood my dad and Ms. May. “I’ve let you have your time to come to grips with losing Jake. I know it will take time, but we are laying that young man to ground today and you will be front and center or you will regret it every day for the rest of your life. I know you are grieving. We all are, but today you stand when Jake can’t. You are his woman and you will go and make him proud. I didn’t raise a coward!” I looked at my dad. He had never talked this way to me but he was right. I hadn’t faced my grief. I had to be strong for Jake.

“I came to help. I couldn’t take that quiet house any longer.” I looked at Ms. May and I knew I had let Jake down. I got out of bed and I caught a whiff of myself and I knew it was shower time. I hesitated to go to Ms. May.

“I’m sorry, I need a shower,” I told the two people standing in front of me.

“Come here, girl. I love you even if you stink to high heaven.” Ms. May laughed and took me in for a hug and then she stood back and I looked at my dad.

“Not until you get a shower and ready for the memorial. My stomach isn’t as strong as Ms. May’s. Either put those clothes in the wash or burn them.” We all laughed even if they were small and fake.

I got my shower and dressed in a black dress. I left my face clean. I knew if I wore makeup that it’d be smeared by tears. The service was bearable until the end.

Ms. and Mr. Edmondson were sitting in the front row with Ms. May beside them. I sat on the other side of Ms. May and then Dad was to my right. I ignored the way the Edmondson’s sneered at me. They were the least of my worries that day.

It all came to a head when the soldier in charge handed me the flag from Jake’s coffin. My dad helped me bring the flag to my body. I was shocked the flag was handed to me. My dad moved my arms with his hands. I couldn’t move and it was hard to breathe. Ms. Edmondson said she wasn’t having it, but I knew she wouldn’t come any closer to me because my dad was there. I clung to that flag for a few minutes and then I went straight to Ms. May and handed her the flag. I didn’t want to, but I knew that flag would bring Ms. May comfort. I knew it would only bring me hurt and more tears. I knew why Jake put me as his next of kin. Ms. May smiled at me as I handed her the flag and then gave me a hug.

“This is with the agreement that it stays with you,” I whispered in her ear.

“I will make sure you get it back when I pass. I love you, sweet Charlie,” Ms. May promised me.

When the guns went off in salute to Jake, my dad had to carry me away. The tears fell from my eyes and I couldn’t contain myself.

I didn’t know that was the beginning of a bad spiral.

Chapter Five

CHARLIE

Trying To Live

Iwoke the next day with the afternoon sun shining through my bedroom window. I spent most of my night crying and the other half planning out my next moves.

I knew I was going to have a fight on my hands with Jake’s parents. He left me all his worldly possessions, his estate, and his insurance money. It’s not that either of his parents needed the money, it was the principle of it, or to them it was. I was going to give it all to them but my dad had a talk with me and made me see that Jake was trying to provide for me, and it was his last wish. I agreed reluctantly. I put Jake’s truck in the garage and gave the keys to Dad so he could keep up with maintenance. Maybe one day I could drive it, but that day was not then. I stored Jake’s things in our attic until I could go through them, except his phone. His phone I kept with me. The money he left me, I put away in the bank.

I also planned my future that night. I knew I would be in school a few months and then I was entering the Army. Jake started on his dream and I was going to finish it—for him, for me, and for my sanity. It’s the goal I put in front of me and I would achieve it. Failure was not an option.

I got in the shower and then got dressed for the day, even if it was half over. I went downstairs and started putting dinner together. It had been a while since we had a complete meal. I made chicken fried steaks, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, and rolls. That was good enough. I heard the bikes in the front yard. Dad was the first one in the house.

“Something smells delicious,” Dad remarked.

“It sure does,” Tobie agreed.

“I want two of everything,” Yance said.

“What these idiots are trying to say is we’re glad that you made it out of your room today.” Rance tried to act like Quinton. I get it, they were worried about me.

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