Page 19 of Say You'll Stay

“No one should dread their wedding day. Why did you? Was he awful? Hooked on opioids or something?”

“Nothing like that. Jimmy Wayne was a decent enough guy. Hardworking. In the mine. Just like his brothers, his dad, his grandfather, back for generations. And I knew that if I married him, our kids would get sucked into that life. None of them would reach their potential. My career would mean nothing there. And Jimmy Wayne would never leave Sewmond, not for me, not for anyone. We had grown apart for years, and when I saw him that day, I hardly recognized him.”

She nods. “He wasn’t right for you, and you weren’t right for him.”

“Exactly!” I shake my head, seeing a sea of disappointed and confused faces in church pews in my mind. “You got it in two seconds, but my family...that day, just before I was supposed to walk down the aisle, I broke the news to Jimmy Wayne. It crushed him. I almost didn’t do it out of fear of hurting him, but it was better to hurt him then rather than years later after kids and a mortgage we couldn’t pay. At least, that’s what I told myself.”

“God, that’s so hard.”

“What’s worse was, he lost it. Couldn’t speak because he was so choked up. Then his brothers started teasing him—"

“What?” she shouts.

“They didn’t know why he was choked up—they’re not monsters. They just thought he was so moved by seeing me on our wedding day.”

“Oh.”

“When I explained everything to them, they were so mad.” I gulp and steal her soda. She doesn’t say anything about it. “And all of them were so mad that they made me explain it to the congregation, who had been waiting for me for an hour past our time to get started with the wedding, because I had dragged my feet. So, I explained it to them, and...” A fiery ball of sadness parks in my throat, and no amount of pineapple soda will wash it down. “The things they said...things they told my parents—"

“Why? What do you mean?”

“My parents have been friends with Jimmy Wayne’s parents since they were in the cradle. That’s how things are in Sewmond. And when I couldn’t marry him because things weren’t right between us, none of them understood it. When you give your word, that’s as good as a contract to them. There is no going back on it. Not even for the good of everyone involved. Your word is your bond.”

“But you didn’t even have a ring—"

I shake my head. “I couldn’t wear the one he gave me. It was from a pawn shop two towns over and the wrong size and fake. I was allergic to the metal, but he promised to have a real ring for me on our wedding day.”

“Oh,” she says solemnly.

“After I confused all of Sewmond on my wedding day by not getting married, I sped off to my parents’ house to grab a few things, but Jimmy Wayne had already been there. He always wore this stupid cheap gold chain, and when I got to Mom and Dad’s, his stupid cheap gold chain hung on the doorknob with our wedding rings on it.”

She sighs. “I am so sorry you went through that, Elsie.”

“I couldn’t even walk into their house after finding it. Just got back into my rental car and left for New York. Everything with my family has been strained ever since, and we barely speak. According to them, I’ve ruined the whole town with mytheatrics, as they put it. I haven’t been back to Sewmond since my wedding day.”

“I don’t blame you at all. For them to not understand it—"

“No, I mean, you’re right, but I also get it. They had paid for their daughter’s wedding. Mom said that college had beenmydream for me, but my wedding day to Jimmy Wayne washerdream for me. More than that, there are people in Sewmond who don’t talk to them anymore because of what happened. They think I got too big for my britches—"

“What?”

I sigh. “With my grades and my clean living, a lot of people thought that I thought I was better than them. I don’t know. Maybe I do. But I made the effort to change my life, and they would rather just stay miserable, so am I wrong? I don’t know. Anyway, they think I’m a snob, andthat’swhy I couldn’t marry Jimmy Wayne. They will never understand the actual reasons.”

“Because they won’t try to understand them.”

“Pretty much.”

“Wow. That’s just...wow.”

I half-smile. “It’s a lot, right?”

“Oh yeah. And I understand why you kept all of that to yourself. I don’t judge you at all—you did the right thing. But it’s messy, and a lot of people don’t understand messy.”

“Exactly. After a lifetime of growing up where everyone knows your business, the idea of privacy is heady. When I came to Columbia and no one knew anything about me that I didn’t tell them, it was a revelation. I got in the habit of keeping my life to myself, so I’m not great at sharing my past stuff.”

“No need to explain it to me, Elsie, I promise. You’ve been through enough without feeling bad about that, too.”

“Thanks.”

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