Page 93 of The Kitten and His Prince

Felix had all of the looking glasses stored away somewhere.

Rainier forced himself to go outside one morning when Felix was in the office. Books weren’t interesting at the moment, and he’d rather sit in the sun. Maybe a break from the same walls would be good for him.

He hadn’t gone to the swing in ages, and the ropes holding it up looked dry. When he sat on the weathered, wooden seat, it creaked. His first thought was that he weighed too much for it, and mookies shouldn’t be plopping their fat behinds on a swing.

He remembered Felix saying his appearance was distorted to him. Perhaps everything was. He held onto the ropes and gave himself a nudge with his feet to get it going a little. The swing was just old and not about to fall down because he was fat. In fact, he probably weighed less than the last time he’d been on it.

It seemed so empty since two people could sit on it, but his sister wasn’t around to share it anymore. Hopefully, it didn’t break because he didn’t need to bust his arse and have a new problem.

He ran through his failures from last night and almost wanted to go back in so he could crawl into bed and try to hide from them. He could almost imagine Mum telling him to get his fat ass off the swing and to also grow up because he was too old for a child’s plaything.

What would Addy say? He never thought about that before. For a moment, he pictured her telling him to throw up his food. But if he did that, Felix would see evidence as he thinned again.

Honestly, if she could come back, she’d probably know better now, right? That meant she’d tell him to eat. She’d gotten so trapped in her own problems and hadn’t been able to see the truth at the time. He couldn’t see it now when it came to himself. She’d never been fat, but she hadn’t believed him and couldn’t see it. Just like he couldn’t see anymore when Felix said he wasn’t.

She’d likely tell him it wasn’t his fault that she’d died because he’d been too young and afraid. Just because she couldn’t live any more didn’t mean he shouldn’t. She’d been completely consumed by things until that morning. Rainier hadn’t hit the end, but even though he was alive now, it was like being in limbo with him fighting himself at every meal. His own way of shrinking himself had completely consumed him.

That wasn’t living, and if he wanted to have a life with Felix, and not reach the end soon, he’d have to do more than gain weight. He’d have to start making a real effort to change certain behaviors or give them up entirely.

***

He brought his plate into the sitting room and sat on the floor by the couch so he could use the small table in front of it.

“What are you doing?” asked Felix.

“I want to try to eat with you again.” Rainier patted the floor next to him.

“But why?” Felix settled on the floor. “I thought you wanted to eat alone.”

“I shouldn’t do that forever, right?”

“No.”

“If I feel one way about something, perhaps it’s not true, and I should try to stop. I hate eating in front of others because I’m thinking that they view me as fat. If I see myself in a distorted way, then my view of how I think others view me could be messed up too, and I should try to let that go. Erm, maybe that doesn’t make sense…”

“No. I see what you’re saying.”

“I shouldn’t eat alone my whole life either. Also, it’s not fair for you to get my cold leftovers because I spend forever trying to get each bite down.”

“I don’t mind that. I’m just trying not to waste food, and I want you to be comfortable.”

Rainier poked a piece of potato. “Maybe I need to get out of my comfort zone.”

He took the bite and passed the fork to Felix. Another thing he needed to change was chewing everything for so long. He’d gotten used to it so that he was doing something and making it seem like he was eating at the same pace as others.

After so long, it felt unnatural to not keep chewing once the bite was paste. If he was going to keep pace with Felix and not drag this out, he had to go only until it was appropriate to swallow.

He and Felix took turns with the fork, and he realized they’d probably look ridiculous to anyone else.

Felix said the servants asked after him, and that showed they cared to some extent. They’d also supported him when he took over which meant a lot. Still, he couldn’t imagine anyone but his Kitten sitting on the floor with him and sharing one plate and a fork.

***

It took weeks, but the edges softened a little. He could feel them and see himself. His brain screamed to snatch back the self-control because he was definitely getting fat. Felix eating with him at meals helped to shut it up only a little.

Even when he was eating from a separate plate, he still couldn’t face a family meal. Natalie wanted to see him, and Betty asked to come by too, but he didn’t feel ready yet. Felix said if he wasn’t, simply tell them no. He didn’t have to bend over backward to please anyone. If he felt better without them around, that was fine, and he could take whatever time he needed.

Mum didn’t write. Betty stopped trying to convince him to allow Eliza back, and she tactfully made little mention of her beyond the bare basics of saying she was fine. Maybe he was dead to Mum since he wouldn’t allow her to twist and force into some impossible vision that she wanted.

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