Page 28 of The Truths We Seek

“Not even a little.” I tell him honestly. He places a hand on my lower back and guides me to where Meyer, Rory, and the others are standing. Shae is standing with her mom, their hands clasped tightly, and I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have that sort of relationship with a parent. I know they have their issues, but they’re still there for each other when it counts.

Like family should be.

Like Tommy was for me.

My throat clogs and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. As if the realization that he’s really gone is only just hitting properly. Tears prick at my eyes and Hunter pulls me into his side, tucking me under his arm. “I’ve got you, Angel.”

I cling to him like my very own life raft until Meyer interrupts us. “It’s time.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but I see the car arrive with the casket.

Tommy.

My guys leave and are joined by three men I don’t recognize, though one looks like a young copy of Tommy. It’s jolting to see.

Bruno moves next to me and offers me a tissue. “Thanks,” I say quietly as the six men bring the casket from the car and walk past us with it atop their shoulders as they follow behind the priest.

The crowd moves along behind them, but I’m frozen in place.

“You can do this, Little Bird. Come on.” Bruno takes my hand and I let him lead me with the crowd of people to the open grave waiting for us.

By the time we get there, the casket is in place and Meyer is standing with his mom and Shae, the other two with him. Bruno hands me off to Hunter and Rory, who place me between them before we sit as the priest steps up to the casket. He sprinkles what I assume is holy water over the casket before stepping up to the stand beside it.

“Thessalonians 4:13 reads, ‘Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.’” He pauses briefly, looking around at us all before starting to speak again. “Anyone who knew our friend Tommy, knew that he wasn’t one for show and pomp. That his relationship with the church was turbulent, but I know that now, when it counts, he will be with those he loved before, and will be at peace.”

The words get a little fuzzy as I try to swallow back the lump in my throat, but then an older guy I’ve never seen before stands and moves to where the priest stands. He clears his throat, his eyes glassy as he removes the hat from his head and clutches it in his shaking hands.

“A lot of you probably don’t know me, Tommy had a tendency to keep branches of his life pretty separate, but I’ve known him since we were kids. Since he kicked the bully’s ass during recess for trying to steal my lunch money.” He pauses, laughing and wiping at his eyes. “Tommy was always that way, from the very beginning. Never a bully, unless you were a bully to someone else. Always standing up for the underdog. An angel in human form, sent to save those of us who couldn’t save ourselves.”

Oh god, I don’t know if I can do this.

“I know there are a lot of us here who he saved in one way or another, and while T was taken from us way too soon, I like to think he’s still watching us, growling at us to not be so asinine, to rise up and keep fighting, because there is always someone out there who needs our help. Just as soon as we’ve found the strength to save ourselves. He’d say he didn’t save us, that he just helped us realize we were strong enough to do what was needed, but that was him all over. The man who deserved far more than he’d ever accept, but would give away everything to help the people he thought were deserving.”

Tears stream down my face and the rest of the words turn into a buzz as I check out, dozens of heartfelt stories being showered upon the casket as I struggle to take each breath, lost in the fact that there was so much I didn’t know about the man who saved my life… and now I’ll never have the chance to learn it all.

CHAPTER TEN

Five days.

Five days I’ve stared at the letter that Meyer’s mom gave me after the funeral. My name in Tommy’s scrawl across the envelope.

Five days I’ve been too afraid to see what it might say, because what if this is the last piece of him that I have?

I haven’t even touched it from where I placed it in the frame of my mirror since we got home, and even when the tears haven’t felt so overwhelming, like they may never stop, I’ve been too scared to read his words on a page.

The wake was a blur, but I know Yen and the girls were there, and Tina even dropped by briefly, but I was useless to anyone. Grief wrapped me up in its warm arms and shut me down. I thought I had a better handle on it, but I ended up back in Rory’s bed, curled in his arms, hiding from the rest of the world because I just couldn’t deal.

A sliver of shame wrapped around my heart while I hid and it’s taken root since. Sitting deep within me, playing happily with my guilt, becoming the best of friends.

Emotions are so much freaking fun.

“We’re going out.” I startle as my door crashes open and Shae makes herself known. She stomps across my room and flings open the curtains, letting sunlight spill into the room. “I gave you days of moping, but no more. Life is for living, and the dead would be pissed that we’re wasting it. Get your ass up out of bed and into the shower. I have a whole day planned and you are coming, even if I have to have Eddie drag you kicking and screaming.”

Turning to face me, hands on her hips, her dark hair swaying loosely around her, she looks like she just stepped off a runway.

Oh yeah, the universe is really playing fair.

“Up!” she demands before ripping the duvet from me like I’m a petulant teenager.

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