Page 27 of The Truths We Seek

No one questioned it and I spent the night tossing and turning, trying to remind myself that Tommy loved me and he wouldn’t want me to torture myself.

But the guilt still ate me alive whenever I was on the cusp of sleep and stole that sanctuary from me.

Ignoring the circles under my eyes, I paint on the waterproof mascara I found in my kit, just a small piece of armor against the day, before dressing in a black pantsuit. Tommy used to make fun of my love for all things black, but I guess today it works out for me.

Once I look almost human, I stare at my reflection, trying to pep talk my way through the day. It’s just one day, I can break tomorrow. In private. Likely on the floor of my shower. After that, I’ll pick myself up, dust off, and do what Tommy would’ve wanted, but for now, I can be strong.

Just like he would’ve been if it had been someone else we’d have lost.

A knock at the door pulls me from my thoughts and it opens before I get a chance to speak. Rory’s head appears through the gap before he steps into the room fully. His black-on-black suit almost matches mine.

“You ready?” he asks, staying back by the door, as if he knows I’ll break if he tries to hug me.

I check the silver watch on my wrist. More time has passed than I realized, and I nod. “Ready as I’m going to be.”

“Come on, Jelly Bean.” He holds out a hand for me and I take it, squeezing it once before letting go and heading downstairs. Everyone else is already in the foyer waiting for us, all in black, no more than a quiet murmur between Tonio, Bruno, and Meyer to fill the silence.

We head out in a convoy of black limos. I’m in the second one with Bruno and Hunter. Meyer in the first with his mom and O’Connor. Shae with Rory and Tonio in the one behind us.

“Where’s Mateo?” I ask Hunter quietly. I meant to ask at lunch yesterday, because I just assumed he’d be here.

“He and Tommy weren’t close and he didn’t want to be here, despite Meyer and Mama Marino calling him out about it. So he’s out doing a clean up of Tommy’s business for Meyer since most of it is delicate work. He’ll be back in a few days.”

Curious. I thought it was just me that Mateo didn’t like. “Is that where he’s been this entire time?”

“Yeah, he was out that way handling some stuff for Meyer before everything with Trent happened, so it was easy enough to reroute him rather than bring him home.” Hunter watches me closely once he finishes speaking, like he’s waiting for me to shatter in front of him.

“I’m going to be okay,” I tell him with a flat smile. “Today is about Tommy, not me.”

“Uh-huh,” is all he says in response, before turning his attention to his phone buzzing in his hand. I stare out of the window while he taps away on the screen, wondering what life would have been like if Tommy had sent me here when we first met. If I’d have gone along with his plans.

Would he still be here?

Would I?

I know playing the what-if game isn’t going to help anything, but that part of my mind that loves to torture me plays the game like it’s playing to win.

We pull up to the cemetery and Bruno exits the car first, closing the door behind him. “Erm?”

Hunter laughs softly. “He’s just checking in and making sure it’s safe.”

“It’s a freaking funeral, surely it’s safe. Who the hell is going to attack a funeral?”

He shrugs, smiling sadly. “It’s exactly that reason why it’d be a good place to attack.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. His reasoning is solid, but fucking hell. Where is the honor in that shit? “Are the threats still that bad?”

“Nothing you need to worry about,” he says, and I turn to face him properly, quirking a brow.

“I have Bruno back and I’m currently waiting for permission to attend my friend’s funeral, so they can’t be great.”

He takes my hand and squeezes it. “They could be worse,” is all he says before there’s a knock on the window and the door opens. Bruno appears, holding out a hand for me, which I take and climb from the car.

It takes a second, but as I look around, I realize just how many people are here.

Tommy obviously meant a lot to a lot of people, and I had no idea. Not in this capacity anyway. I catch my breath at the realization of just how much Tommy is going to be missed. It somehow makes my grief feel both bigger and smaller at the same time.

“You ready?” Hunter asks as he exits the car.

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