Page 58 of The Secret of Pain

I close it, because reading that would be such an invasion of privacy, but at the same time, maybe it will tell me something about myself.

No.

I shake my head and put the journal back where I found it. I won't do that to him, because Fates knows I'd lose my shit if someone did it to me. I just wish I knew where I'd kept mine. I pick up one of the other books, The Myths and Legends of Angels, the mark of the Hunter stamped on the front beneath the title, but nothing else. I open it, the pages yellowed and handwritten, but more than one style, as if many people have added to the book to pass on the growing knowledge.

I lose myself in the book, taking in the stories, the adventures and the battles of old, including the story of the creation of Hunters. It started with the fall of the Angel of War. A great general of the Angel legions, Leviathan. He betrayed their laws for the good of his people and was punished for it. Those who followed him, who believed in his actions, fell alongside him, left to roam the Earth, unable to return to Avalon, the realm of Angels.

My heart hurts for the general, doing what he knew he must, no matter the cost, regardless of the consequences, to save the ones he loved.

I sit back and close my eyes. What happened to the Angel, and why do I now bear his mark? Did I pick up his cause, betray the laws of the faction, for a greater good? I sigh and rub my eyes. I need to find out how to trigger more memories, yet I dare not ask the Elders. With all the warnings from Colt and Creed and what's now happened with Dad, I don't trust them, even though I'm told I should. I wish Mom were here—she would know exactly what to say. I'd like to think she wouldn't condemn me for my past choices too. She'd understand that the heart does what it wants. She always said that your heart was the greatest tool, the best guide, and the most trustworthy of deciders. That to follow your heart was the right path, no matter the obstacles you face.

I rest my head on the table, wishing she were here with me, my heart heavy. She would have been the best at helping me acclimate to this world. Patient to a fault, she would have explained everything, answered all of my questions, and been the best guide when I needed it as well as picking me up when I faltered.

"Remy, you here?" Bauer’s voice echoes through the house, and I sigh.

"Just up in the library," I call out, knowing now that I don't have to shout for him to hear me. The stairs creak as he makes his way up to me, finding me in his corner, books scattered around me and my head on the table.

"You okay?" he asks, sitting opposite me. "This is some heavy reading."

He lifts the books, chuckling at some of the titles I pulled out.

"I just wanted to find a way to trigger some memories. I hate not knowing everything, being in this limbo. I feel like I'm trying to do a jigsaw puzzle, but half of the pieces are missing," I groan, and I hate myself for it. I've never been this whiny.

"I get that, Fates knows we've all been there, but sometimes there is no way to trigger them. They either come or they don't. Is there something specific you're trying to unlock?" He looks at me sincerely, never suspecting the truth.

"Kind of, but I don't know exactly what's going on, so I don't even know where to go to trigger it," I half-lie, deciding that tonight, Kain is getting a barrage of questions, whether he wants them or not. Even if he can't answer everything, hopefully filling in the gaps will help some things make more sense. Even if only a little, or to nudge me closer to the truth of things.

"Well, if there's anything I can do to help, just ask, and if I can answer, I will." He smiles at me and pats my hand.

"Do you know where I hid my journals?" I ask him, hopeful, but not expecting an answer really.

"I don't, sorry. You were always very protective of them. We even tried a treasure hunt once, when we were bored, to try and discover the truth, but no, I have no idea. Sorry."

"It's okay, was worth a shot." I shrug and smile.

"How is Dad?" he asks, standing with me.

"He's the same," I tell him as we head back down. I've been up here for hours barely moving, and oh man can I feel it. Sitting poring over books is not something I do very often.

“Okay. At least he’s no worse.” He breathes a sigh of relief and I feel bad that I’ve not been more concerned, yet again wrapped up in my own drama.

“I’m going to head home for a bit, then to my class. I’ve got to swing by the bar and pick up my stuff after, but I’ll be back tonight, okay?”

“Yeah that’s fine. I cleared the next few days so I can be here. You don’t need to worry about coming back if you’ve got stuff going on.” He smiles and pulls me in for a bear hug. I sink into him; the comfort and safety of my big brother has always been the same. Always my protector. Always looking out for me.

“Thanks, Bauer. I’ll text you and let you know if stuff changes, but if not, expect me back.” I grab my stuff from beside the door, along with a bag of laundry I found by the washer. “I’m taking the laundry with me; I’ll get it done at my place and bring it back later.”

“Thanks, Remy.” He smiles at me as I wave when I leave.

I wonder if he’d be so thankful and understanding if he knew where I was really heading tonight.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

The shadows wrap around me like a second skin. While Kain said to meet at dusk, the sun was hidden today and darkness came in quickly. Having checked the perimeter, I walk toward the abandoned hotel, straight up the front steps. I slip in through the huge wooden doors as quietly as I can.

The entry hall is a big open space, with stairs on either side of the room. This must be where I heard them the other day. I step forward, and the wooden floor creaks beneath my feet, making me flinch.

"You came." Kain's voice echoes through the room down to me. I look up and see him standing on the first-floor mezzanine. I wonder how I could have not remembered him fully, because the way my heart races upon just seeing him, I know I recognize him on a deeper level.

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