Page 183 of Be My Wife

Told him I would change.

I would do anything for him.

To not lose another person.

I’ve endured my share of rejections. My heart is used to being tossed around like trash. I endured a lot, but this break-up… it’s worse than all the rest.

I felt a deep connection to Kenny.

But I guess it was one-sided.

In the end, he stared at me with his cold brown eyes and asked me to leave.

Another silent scream gets smothered in the pillow.

I wish I’d been more careful.

If I had kept him at arms length, would I have spared myself this pain?

The ‘what ifs’ dance around me like a game of Ring-Around the Roses. The heartache doesn’t leave.

My entire being is drowning in hopelessness.

This is truly one of the worst days of my life.

No job.

No boyfriend.

No family to care either way.

In fact, Mom and Dad will enjoy rubbing all my failures in my face. It’ll be a grim reassurance. One more piece of evidence to prove the wrong daughter died.

Being the sole survivor of a terrible accident is like that.

Should I just end it all? Give them the satisfaction?

Fear hits me.

I don’t want to die, but I yearn for an escape—into another body, into another skin, into another world where no one can hurt me. Where I know the end before it comes. I feel helpless, like when I was a little girl, screaming at the edge of lake as my sister drowned.

I have to stop thinking about Jenna. Why am I so up in my feelings today? I have to move on. I have to…

Grief doesn’t care about my pep talk. Pain has no respect for my scars.

Distraction.

I need—

Just something to stop the thoughts.

To plug up the hole in the sinking boat called my life.

A good, cheesy movie should calm the storm.

Or at least replace my memories of Jenna.

Hopefully, it’ll be louder than the little voice in my head telling me to empty my prescription pills.

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