Page 101 of Surviving Lies

She waited in the entrance hall for me to start the trek upstairs, and she followed. I realized she’d only been here one other time, and that was heartbreaking. It was not how this year was supposed to be.

Becca didn’t know where to go or where to sit, looking very uncomfortable as she searched my room.

“You can sit on the bed or the chair, wherever you’re comfortable, Bec,” I told her.

She sat on the edge of the bed, as if she would get up and run away at any minute. Knotting her hands together, she occasionally wiped sweat off them on her jeans.

“Lanie tried to use her ‘therapist’ stuff on me before coming. I mean, shewillmake a good therapist one day. She, um, was trying to make sure I came in with an open mind, ready to listen.” As she spoke, she refused to make eye contact with me, so I wasn’t sure how successful Lanie’s talk was. “I know I said and did some really shitty things at the party that probably hurt you, and I’m sorry about that. I was upset and drank too much and ...” And then she stopped talking. Her eyes flitted around the room, focusing on anything but me.

I needed to take over the apologies. Because regardless of what she did to me at the party, and it was shitty, it didn’t take away all the things I needed to apologize to her for from the past year.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out to her. “A million times over, I’m sorry.”

She looked at me, her eyes, her face, neutral.

“Bec, it’s me who owes you all the apologies. Remember that weekend we took Logan home last year? I know it was hard for you. But that weekend wound up being hard for me as well.” I started the story as I paced the room.

“I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend when I came to BRU. I don’t know of many freshmen who are, actually. But when I met you, I just knew.” I paused and looked at her for a reaction, and there was a small one on her lips. “You wereitfor me the moment I met you. The way an entire room has to turn and look at you when you walk in, the way you command attention without being arrogant. It just happens. I love that about you,” I told her. “But then there’s the side of you many don’t see. Like what a good friend you are, especially to Lanie. How hard you worked to make her feel comfortable last year when she had no one, making sure she always felt safe. You’re special, Bec, a one of a kind.” I came close to her on the bed and knelt on the floor in front of her, forcing the connection. “That’s why, when I got the call the day before we brought Logan home, my life got turned upside down. I had already moved on, with you. I had already fallen in love, with you.” I reached out for her hands, and she let me take them.

“Kelly called and told me she was pregnant. She assured me she hadn’t been with anyone else yet.”

Becca’s eyes rolled a little, her disbelief expected. But there was no denying that Savannah was my daughter.

“We went out in high school, and we broke up when I left for college. But I don’t think we were really into each other that much toward the end. I think we stayed together in high school because, well, everyone kinda expected us to be together. We were ‘that’ couple. The one that was supposed to make it. So, we forged on. But when it came time for me to leave, hours away from home, we both knew we didn’t have it in us to make it work any longer. It was a mutual decision to break it off. I came here without a girlfriend, Becca. You have to believe me.”

“Ty, that’s not the problem. I do believe you about that,” Becca said. “My issue is why you didn’t tell me all last year that you had a child on the way. I mean, fuck, Ty, I had to find out by seeing it with my own eyes!”

Her calm demeanor was already cracking.

And, for the moment, I would let the “it” thing slide.

“Bec, when we went home that weekend, Kelly had already told her parents, who told mine. My parents knew.” I flung my hands up in the air, my frustration with the situation last year finally coming out. “I didn’t want to bring a new girl into the mix the very weekend we all found out I was having a baby, and that wouldn’t have been fair to you, either. I felt sick that whole weekend. I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it. On top of dealing with Logan, I prayed that Kelly wasn’t going to stop by. Thank God she didn’t. I don’t know how I pulled that one off, but now that I look back, that would have prevented all of this.”

Becca was just staring at me, wheels turning in her head.

“And why did you tell me your parents wouldn’t let you have a girlfriend in college?” she asked, the sorrow evident in her eyes.

I paused, knowing I would have to take responsibility for yet another lie.

“Becca,” I started, standing up, needing to pace as I came to terms with all I had done to her. I leaned against my dresser, needing something to help keep me steady. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have told you that. I was such a coward. When I told you that, it was only because I wanted to have something to tell you, to give you the idea that I was giving you some sort of a truth. But that was not what was going on at all. My parents are two of the best people in the world.” My heart hurt so much at the fact that I used my parents in this whole charade, considering how much they had done for me. “I told my mom about you over fall break.”

Becca peeked up at me, her interest piqued, but it faded as the reality of what I’d done came over her like a veil.

“Becca, think about it. Let’s say Kelly showed up that weekend we were home together. And you found out that I was going to be a father, with my ex from high school. That early in our relationship. Would you have stuck around?” I asked her.

“I don’t know, Ty. How can I answer that? You never gave me the opportunity to make that decision, did you?” she spat back at me.

We were both quiet after that, both thoughtful.

“What was going on recently that made you think you could finally reveal your big secret? You said you were going to tell me, so why now?” she asked me.

I fell onto my desk chair, the emotion of this taking its toll.

“Savannah was born a week after I got home from school in the spring,” I said, and my smile couldn’t be contained when I said my daughter’s name. “You broke up with me a few days later.”

Becca’s eyes widened when she realized the timeline.

“I didn’t blame you; I thought it was for the best at the time as well. I spent my entire summer learning how to be a dad at nineteen years old, all while working two jobs so that I could still come back to school. I wanted to come back to school for me, to get my degree. But the longer I was away from you, and missed you, the more I realized that not being with you was not the answer. I needed to try to make things right with us. I knew I wasn’t giving up. Not yet.”

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