Page 91 of All My Firsts

“Of course I can,” I heard the same nurse say as she appeared through the curtain. “Lanie, what’s wrong? What did he do?” Her accusatory look aimed at Bryce could bring any man to his knees. Bryce put his hands up in complete defeat as she lookedback at me.

“Nothing, he did nothing.” I shook my head. “It’s just everything from the night coming out. He’s my boyfriend’s brother, and ...” I took a sharp intake of breath. Because I realized that statement may not even be true anymore. I looked over at Bryce as my eyes filled with tearsonce again.

“I’m kind of family but also involved in the case, so we were talking about the events, and she got upset. Sorry, ma’am.” The nurse looked at the badge Bryce showed her as she nodded her head.

“OK, let me get the IV out and get you on your way. I’ll be back with your discharge papers.”

We were both quiet when she left. Bryce paced in the small space, seemingly nervous. I didn’t know what my next question should be. But there was only one thing I really needed to know. And I think I knewthe answer.

“So, I’m not going to see Xander when I getback, am I?”

All Bryce did wasstare at me.

“I need to sit out here and wait for him, please.” I must have looked pathetic, begging to get a glimpse of him when he returned. “Please,” I begged again, my voice cracking.

There were still two cars out back, and the scene was taped off. That was the only evidence of the events of the night before. But Xander still hadn’t come back to his room by the next morning.

Since I got home from the hospital, Becca and I had been sitting in the hall, waiting for him to return. My feet were tapping on the floor in nervous anticipation of how the meeting would go. We both took turns dozing on each other’s shoulders as the hours passed. She didn’t want to leave me alone; I refused to go anywhere else.

“Honey, I’m so sorry all this is happening to you.” She seemed nervous to say her next words. “Yesterday was a lot for both of you. Maybe seeing him right now isn’t the best thing. I mean, you were almost kidnapped by that asshole. The FBI – I mean, shit, it was like a movie was filmed out there. Your head, that has to hurt. And I mean, it’syour life.”

I didn’t think I’d registered what happened.

I had seen the monster that raped me repeatedly for two years of my life standing in front of me for the first time in almost seven months.

Maybe it would hit me later, but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe I was over what he had done to me. I knew my heart was more crushed by what Xander haddone to it.

“Seeing Xander has been so much harder.”

And then I heard the elevator doors open. I stood up immediately, as did Becca. Xander was walking down the hall, alone, with his head down.

As he approached his room, I started toward him, and I knew he felt me; he stopped but didn’t look up. His whole body tensed, sensing my approach. I continued to him and heard Becca retreat into our room, givingus privacy.

“Xander.” I spoke his name tentatively as I approached him, afraid he would disappear into thin air. “Is Bryce gone? All the cops, are they gone?” He nodded, not even willing to talk to me. His hands were fisted at his sides, as if he was still trying to avoid a fight.

“Do you hate me so much that you can’t even look at me, that you have to restrain yourself from what looks like wanting to hit something when you’re near me?” My voice cracked with the emotion spilling out with my words, my cries. “I mean, Christ, we were both almost just killed out there and you still can’t even look at me. I would have thought this would be enough to bring us back together.” I paused, not sure if I should go on. “What did I do, Xander? Whatever it is, I’ll fix it.”

I didn’t want to cry, but it was futile. I thought that I could move on from him, that I could move on from us. But this was my life; he was my life. And it was crashing and burning right before my eyes. He still wouldn’t even look at me, his jaw muscles ticking in what appeared to be anger. His one hand rubbed the back of his neck in what seemed to befrustration.

“I’m sorry for whatever I did, whatever I may have said to make you feel this way, Xander.” I was pleading at this point, my desperation evident in my voice. “I still love you, Xander. I always will.”

The tears were flowing, my voice cracking through the sobs. He finally lifted his head slightly and peered at me with a sideways glance, a pained look on his face. I couldn’t make sense of any of this. I took another step toward him, but he put his hand outto stop me.

“Nothing has changed between us, Lanie.” His voice was strained, like he was forcing his words through his teeth. “But just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean I would want you to be with that asshole. Ever.”

He started toward his door, and I reached out and grabbed his arm, that familiar tingle still there with every touch we shared. I started to crumble, my legs giving out. But then something snapped inside of me. How could he do this? How could he do this to us? How could I let him dothis to me?

“Ya know what, Xander? Fuck you!” I was sobbing even harder, unable to breathe, but furious. “You haven’t even given us a chance to talk this out. I’m over letting guys walk all over me. I can’t live like this anymore. So, fuck you.” Becca must have heard my screams; suddenly she was at my side, trying to pull me away from him.

“Lanie, I’m sorry.” Xander stood there, stoic and still, as Becca dragged me away. I swear I saw a tear slide down his cheek. Did I imagine it? Why? Why was hedoing this?

Eventually, I allowed Becca to lead me back to our room. The pain and fury inside needed to come out, the tears prolific.

But I was still without Xander.

Becca and I were cozy on my bed watching a show later that night when I told her of my plans to leave school. She was devastated but understood. All it took was one look at me to see I was broken. Completely and utterly destroyed. And that devastation was caused by the man I loved, who was down the hall. So I couldn’t stay here, not this close to him.

“What if you put in for a transfer of rooms? You could live somewhere else for the rest of the semester and at least finish the spring term.” I appreciated the ideas she was coming up with, but it wasn’t possible.

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